What gets me through

So life is a lot different now. In so many many ways. Some of which I discussed in my last post. Many of which I haven't yet even identified, Dad was such an integral part of who I am, and certainly who I became in the last two years.

We had a terrible thing happen to one of our children three weeks after Dad's death. That taught me the humility of being in shock, and the formidable-ness of being a parent, protecting and empowering my child whilst falling apart myself.  It also gave me reason to be grateful for the kind souls who have helped me through those weeks since.

people who help
In this instance, as with other moments of extreme need, it has been a few reliable dear friends, and some very considerate far-away friends, and even near-strangers who have made an effort to reach out to me in my need. Thank you, beautiful women.

giving the problem to a higher power
I've also had opportunity to really consider what it means to give away the problems to a higher power. I never considered that 'higher power' could be metaphorically simply 'giving away' the problem to my GP for instance. However on Sunday, that is exactly what happened. I informed my GP that since my child's traumatic event I was not coping so well, and no sooner had that problem been passed to him, and I felt better. I don't think this would be everyone's recipe for 'higher power' as not everyone has a GP they've known since they were 12, with the integrity and practicality of mine!   However on the subject of higher powers, I realise too, that in a sense, I would actually take my life and its problems to my Dad on a regular basis. I never troubled Dad with commentary on my challenges, but rather in our quiet silences, or in our contemplation of the deep red Azaleas in the garden I believe I was in the habit of quietly unpacking and dumping my problems out, in some of of ritual of my own, involving an appreciation of the perspective that if Dad could cope under the terrible conditions of a nursing home and be pleased about anything at all, then my whole life and its problems couldn't possibly be insurmountable. (even if they were!)

savouring the positive moments
Today I was really struggling at one point. Then I really looked at what I had. My two happy children frolicking in the pool in dappled sunlight, a perfect summer's day.  And I thought on that and felt grateful for that until I truly did feel blessed to witness such calm, unfettered peace.  I need to continue to take the time to appreciate everything I can.

routines are my friend
I am sticking with existing routines and making new ones! I'm still doing Tai Chi and now I've discovered that a weekly trip to the movies does wonders that I can't live without at the moment.

feeling the 'Dadness'
One of the things that really helped me to feel that blessed sense of happiness was that I made myself see the picture with Dad's eyes. He would have laughed and been delighted at the kids playing, and he would have said to me "Don't worry about all that other nonsense, you'll be all right" I'm blessed to have the opportunity to learn from him, even after he has passed.

feeling the pain
It is easy to try to 'cope' to push aside indignity and pain. Sometimes it is necessary for getting by. But feeling the pain and hurt and sorrow is also vital to being a whole person. Today after an extremely confronting correspondence from my child's school I was brought to tears during a business phone call. And I owned it, that was my pain and sorrow and it wasn't going to be held in at that point, because it was part of who I am. There are some times when crying might not be a great idea, but also sometimes when it is ok to cry regardless of the circumstances.

change my thinking not solving the problem
I read this in a meme today. It absolutely sums up all of the above and more. It is only by perceiving things differently that I will get through this period in my life in a way that leaves me healthier than coming into it. 

Be kind and loving. (a reminder for myself and an idea to contemplate)

Under Pressure ...

Wow. The interim of 'no blogging' has been eventful.  I've been managing ongoing work stress, dealing with ill husband, all the other changes since the end of the Bruce tour holiday in February and on top of all that, some pretty serious issues with Dad's nursing home, and his hospitalisation on Monday.

So one of the nasty side effects of all this stress has been panic attacks. I haven't had any of those in such a long time.  Until the last few weeks. During one incident of being frozen by fears, one thing I have learnt is that I just need a focus to remove myself from the crippling moments of indecision - generally that is something I find through getting another person's input, however the concept of a focus is something I can work on, I know I love the lyrics to The Rising, or I can choose to focus on a simple, trivial decision to remove the stress a little.  If all else fails I need to remember to break any troubles down into one small decision at a time.

What else is putting me under pressure? All the usual things, plus extras in caring for my family, including Dad. How am I dealing with it? One day at a time, one action at a time.

What I need to urgently do is bend my life to re-include time for walking. How I'll manage that when my 3 children all feel they don't get enough of me already between work, tai chi and Dad I don't quite know. Having remembered to continue typing this blog is step one!

One a lighter note, "under Pressure' to also buy Queen tickets, or Eagles tickets... or neither!