What gets me through

So life is a lot different now. In so many many ways. Some of which I discussed in my last post. Many of which I haven't yet even identified, Dad was such an integral part of who I am, and certainly who I became in the last two years.

We had a terrible thing happen to one of our children three weeks after Dad's death. That taught me the humility of being in shock, and the formidable-ness of being a parent, protecting and empowering my child whilst falling apart myself.  It also gave me reason to be grateful for the kind souls who have helped me through those weeks since.

people who help
In this instance, as with other moments of extreme need, it has been a few reliable dear friends, and some very considerate far-away friends, and even near-strangers who have made an effort to reach out to me in my need. Thank you, beautiful women.

giving the problem to a higher power
I've also had opportunity to really consider what it means to give away the problems to a higher power. I never considered that 'higher power' could be metaphorically simply 'giving away' the problem to my GP for instance. However on Sunday, that is exactly what happened. I informed my GP that since my child's traumatic event I was not coping so well, and no sooner had that problem been passed to him, and I felt better. I don't think this would be everyone's recipe for 'higher power' as not everyone has a GP they've known since they were 12, with the integrity and practicality of mine!   However on the subject of higher powers, I realise too, that in a sense, I would actually take my life and its problems to my Dad on a regular basis. I never troubled Dad with commentary on my challenges, but rather in our quiet silences, or in our contemplation of the deep red Azaleas in the garden I believe I was in the habit of quietly unpacking and dumping my problems out, in some of of ritual of my own, involving an appreciation of the perspective that if Dad could cope under the terrible conditions of a nursing home and be pleased about anything at all, then my whole life and its problems couldn't possibly be insurmountable. (even if they were!)

savouring the positive moments
Today I was really struggling at one point. Then I really looked at what I had. My two happy children frolicking in the pool in dappled sunlight, a perfect summer's day.  And I thought on that and felt grateful for that until I truly did feel blessed to witness such calm, unfettered peace.  I need to continue to take the time to appreciate everything I can.

routines are my friend
I am sticking with existing routines and making new ones! I'm still doing Tai Chi and now I've discovered that a weekly trip to the movies does wonders that I can't live without at the moment.

feeling the 'Dadness'
One of the things that really helped me to feel that blessed sense of happiness was that I made myself see the picture with Dad's eyes. He would have laughed and been delighted at the kids playing, and he would have said to me "Don't worry about all that other nonsense, you'll be all right" I'm blessed to have the opportunity to learn from him, even after he has passed.

feeling the pain
It is easy to try to 'cope' to push aside indignity and pain. Sometimes it is necessary for getting by. But feeling the pain and hurt and sorrow is also vital to being a whole person. Today after an extremely confronting correspondence from my child's school I was brought to tears during a business phone call. And I owned it, that was my pain and sorrow and it wasn't going to be held in at that point, because it was part of who I am. There are some times when crying might not be a great idea, but also sometimes when it is ok to cry regardless of the circumstances.

change my thinking not solving the problem
I read this in a meme today. It absolutely sums up all of the above and more. It is only by perceiving things differently that I will get through this period in my life in a way that leaves me healthier than coming into it. 

Be kind and loving. (a reminder for myself and an idea to contemplate)

Sliding Backwards - weight gain and forgetting the 'no excuses' concept

I've gone from a record low weight to an incredibly high weight, coming almost full circle in the 11 months between Springsteen tours.

This led me to google 'backsliding' - which I never knew was mostly used in relation to Christianity and religion!  However some careful google tweaking and I discovered this wonderful insightful article about weight loss.

The Fat Lady Ain't Sung Yet in which Whitney points out the following truism:

"Baby steps.

Forever and ever and ever… baby steps."

I love the insight in this. When things are going well, it is easy to kid yourself that the journey to no-excuses better health will be a one-way trip to forever losing weight until the magical moment that it is 'perfect'. Reality is that there are always things to learn, and if you don't learn them, then the process might be a bit more topsy-turvy. In fact even if you're a fast learner, circumstances can squish in and sideline you with no warning.  So baby steps.

I know that for me, since the second Springsteen tour, I have been focussing on big life changes, the ones that I didn't tackle last year, because last year I was focussing solely on weight loss, exercise and fitness.  It is so much easier to increase exercise, and much harder to permanently change eating habits for an entire family (or even one person within the family). Last year's efforts were child's play. This year asks so much more of me in terms of organisation, willpower and action.  Going for a walk or exercising is as easy as walking out the front door.  Food on the other hand doesn't just appear in the fridge!

The other thing that happened is that I lost my 'network' of fitness friends, and therefore no-one noticed when I stopped exercising, or talking about the healthy food choices I was making. So I've re-established a connection to the four main exercising / food friends I have and we are keeping an eye on each other. I'm posting updates in my "Get Fit for Bruce" Facebook group.  Keeping that social aspect alive will help safeguard me from future weight gains.

And finally, my habits that create a healthy, organised me.  Blogging, gratitude and keep records through RunKeeper and MyFitnessPal.  Of these, only gratitude survived the great weight gain. If I had to keep only one I'm glad it was gratitude, however now is the time to reinstate my previous habits and keep connected with the world in a reflective way, so I remind myself to always be mindful.  No-one else is ever going to be as mindful of my body and my health as I am.

Such an important lesson in taking good care of ones-self.

Chocolate topping and hindsight

Wow, revisiting my most popular post to date... and discovering it was written at what was a very high point in terms of focus.  So much has changed since then, particularly in the 2 months since Bruce and the E Street Band left the country....

Here's the original post:

Thursday, July 11, 2013Negativity - cured by an Attitude of Gratitude!
Sometimes, despite the best intentions, life fills up with it. Negativity. Maybe that's just *my* life, I don't know. I'm only living mine, so I've got no way to know if its me in particular.
Right now for instance, despite being extremely grateful earlier, and looking on the bright side, I find myself not only frustrated, but angry.
Because I'm fed up with blogging and still managing to get lost and feel like I'm making no progress, I'm going to go over the gratitude exercise again.
Tonight I'm grateful for the nap I had earlier, it was pleasant. I'm grateful for my Brucebud, Maggie, who understands.  I'm grateful for the time to write birthday invitations, and that I can let go of the perfectionist in me and make do with what I have designed. I'm grateful to the phone repairer who fixed my broken phone. I'm grateful to Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band for the inspiration to move, to make no excuses and to get out there and be fit. I've lost 13 kgs and that will never come back, because I'll never make excuses for myself like that again.  I might even get within 5kgs of my goal weight for my birthday of 80kgs! 
I'm grateful for just now remembering to drink water, as it will help make tomorrow a better day. I'm grateful to music, that I'm just about to listen to, while I drink some water, and marvel at how easy it is to turn around a very bad mood and attitude into a relatively pleasant mood and very good attitude.
It seems it is impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. It seems that when your heart and mind is filled with gratitude, those things and people who make you mad don't matter one zot. 
Which is fine by me!Posted by Kat Smith at 1:39 AM 

I am interested to see that even though at the time I felt thwarted, I can see with hindsight that the feeling was perhaps just the hunger for doing more, doing better that was lighting the fire keeping me going, always losing weight, always eating better, sticking to my goals. Or perhaps it was indeed when things started to unravel for me, as I remember feeling a sense of stagnation that started in July last year.

Despite backsliding with the weight loss considerably, the interesting thing is that now I am beginning to tackle some of my life's bigger problems and big decisions. We've left the too-expensive private school, I've moved Dad into a care home closer to where I live, huge life changes are going on.  Having gained 5 kg in this time is a big deal, but perhaps merely a side effect of my not yet having learnt to juggle significant upheaval in my new routine.  When I reflect on my past efforts at fitness, I do tend to achieve a measure of what should be (according to experts) life time habit and increased fitness....and then maintaining or improving further on that is where I come unstuck. I have done this many times in the past, in many different life situations....so for me the trick is going to be keeping that fire lit under my arse that says "get moving" through all kinds of different circumstances.  Certainly the neck injury in November wiped out my walking, however now I have recurrent pain from that without walking, so I might as well keep up the walking and at least get the exercise and endorphins from doing the beneficial things!

Or as Dory would say:

Swimming in my case involves blogging, being grateful, exercising and eating sensibly. Pretty much everything else at the moment is chocolate topping. I have perhaps spent too much time in chocolate topping. There was some gratifying parts to that experience (the chocolate topping of doing 'all the other things' like the Bruce tour, moving Dad, etc) however overall it has made me feel kind of fat and sticky!

Spiralling up or down? It's my choice.

Sadly I attended a funeral today. As they do, this one got me thinking about life, and what it all means.

My revelation for the evening is this:

Life is like a marriage.  You are either actively contributing towards its success, or your apathy is actively working against it. 

I was told this about relationships a long time ago and have found it to be proven true time and time again. Applying the principle to 'living life' works in the same way. Apathy or not engaging is simply another way of going out of your way not to live life to the fullest.

My exercise and eating have come unstuck lately. I've gained weight :(  I was contemplating this while wondering how to get it all back on track and I realised that this principle applies.  I'm either working with all I have towards healthy living, or by doing 'nothing' I am in fact descending rapidly into unhealthy habits again.  For some people this may not be so prounounced but for me it is very clear that apathy equates to negativity. 

I keep having to remind myself to continue to blog, and to keep up all the range of good habits I began. I get forgetful and imagine that as long as I exercise and eat well that I'm doing 'good', when in fact I've proven to myself this year that blogging, gratitude and other habits are as important as the exercise and they contribute to my capacity to maintain the exercise and good eating habits under stressful circumstances.

Ergo, that we are constantly in motion and as creatures of habit our motion tends to keep going in the direction we are travelling - thus we are either spiralling up (working towards the good stuff) or spiralling down (away from the good stuff).

I choose to keep spiralling up. I choose to keep choosing this, over and over again.

Iron deficiency - spectacular ways to avoid blogging.

Well that explains a lot. Including why I don't seem to find time for blogging at the moment.  I just found out 'officially' that I have Iron Deficiency Anemia.  Which is a rather spectacular way of saying I'm not getting enough dietary Iron and its causing havoc with my whole system.  It does not mean that I am a bad wife / mother / housekeeper for not doing enough ironing, although I do have a 'no iron' motto in my house, it was not meant to refer to the dietary kind!

Way back in early April I visited my doctor. "I think I'm low in Iron." I told him.  At this point, what I'm learning now in hindsight, I should have stuck to my guns and listened to my body. It would have saved me months of feeling less than wonderful.  Instead I listened to a lovely, calm rational explanation from a man quoting a text book about why I should not be low in Iron.  Including reassuring me that my recent blood test results that showed a healthy haemoglobin level.

One of the things that can happen when you exercise (and breastfeed) is that your Iron stores get depleted. Or you don't absorb it as well. Something happens, I've read it on the net :)   Increasing exercise can equate to decreased Iron. Which is fine if you treat it straight away.

If you don't, the symptoms you can suffer with (and I did) include:

• fatigue
• mental fatigue (vague, memory loss)
• dizziness
• poor concentration
• hair loss
• irritability
• headache
• irregular heart rhythms

from the following websites - 
http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/iron-deficiency-anemia-topic-overview
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/ida/signs.html
http://bodyandhealth.canada.com/condition_info_details.asp?disease_id=274 

So although it is still possible, given my family history, that I'm menopausal, all of the symptoms above may also be related only to my Iron deficiency.   Which was only picked up after a second doctor sent me for an "Iron Studies" blood test (also known as Anemia Studies).  This brilliant site explains the difference nicely, stating that Serum Iron has little clinical value. What looks on the surface to be reasonable levels of Iron, when investigated fully, showed me as being anemic due to low Iron. So today I started a pharmacy only supplement of super-powered Iron tablets. I'm hoping these make a big difference to how I feel day to day. 

I'm impatient now for the extra steak and the supplements to kick in and give me a pick-me-up, but tonight's bloggy message is to believe in yourself, listen to your body and intuition and don't give up when faced with a setback in what you believe. I could have spent my winter (or part of it) in glorious European summertime, watching Bruce Springsteen perform if I had acted on my instinct and started taking Iron supplements in April instead of waiting for doctors to finally order a fully investigative set of tests and for those results to prove to them what I knew four months ago!

I've got my fingers crossed that restoring a healthy Iron level brings me back to normal energy levels, and moods.

Daily Mantra - an effort in consistency

"things go horribly wrong despite my best intentions." - This part of Monday's blog has me thinking. After all it is kind of the crux of it all. Why would things continue to 'go wrong'? Unless of course I perhaps am not doing one of the below things, like expecting the best of myself, and giving myself reasons why I CAN do things, believing in myself.

william paisley‏@YourPocketGuru20h

If you always expect the best out of yourself & life you will get it! You are worthy of having it all... never forget that! #ypg

Organising Energy‏@OrganisEnergy20h

@YourPocketGuru and always believe in the best of yourself - I find I need to believe, not just expect, I am the best me including quirks!!

This conversation went on to discuss how if you don't believe, then its not expecting, its wishing. Quite the interesting thing for me to contemplate. I think I have a very strong tendency towards 'wishing' and calling it something else altogether. To check out the conversation, follow me @organisingenergy on Twitter.

Fitness Motivator‏@Fit_Motivator23 Jun

Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't I give myself reasons why I CAN.

Something I saw on twitter suggested that I should believe in myself more - believe that I can be the best me I imagine - that's worth thinking about!

a comment...

Organising Energy‏@OrganisEnergy24h

“@Fit_Motivator: Instead of giving myself reasons why I can't I give myself reasons why I CAN.” good 4 when inertia strikes 2 get you moving

(yes the graphics are clumsy, but its midnight!)

I also said that "I feel like I need a plan, or a mantra and a plan." So my mantra for the week is to make an effort daily to give myself reasons why I CAN, to expect myself to be able to, and believe in myself. Maybe that isn't quite a mantra, but I'm sure I'll get there with some fine-tuning. 

 

What I'm finding is that just having recognised the need to be mindful of my attitude is helping me.  Today despite not feeling particularly positive, through the whole day, I have simply kept going doing what needed to be done, sometimes slowly, sometimes with a great deal of energy.

 

And I'm proud of my efforts, I have a somewhat sorted toy space, I've scrubbed a floor, looked after the animals, and I've even had a lovely chat about the very sad state of politics in this country.   I'm filling in my little spreadsheet daily, and doing whatever is required to get over the little (and big hurdles) that life throws at me.

 

Here's a pic of today's cleaning up efforts. As you can see I'm big on practical, light on for image, with very haphazard labels! Might get pretty ones to replace it if I could be stuffed going to the shops.

 

 

 

On another note, a funny thing happened to me on the way home from Tai Chi tonight, I ran out of diesel going up a hill!  I was only about 2.5 kms from home, and aside from the first 500m of steep dark hillside, the rest was on my regular walking route that I cover in about 10 minutes from home.  So I simply turned off the engine, hopped out and walked briskly home (my mobile phone wasn't working so I did feel a little bit of need to be hasty). It was the best feeling to be able to just do that without thinking twice! Bruce Springsteen and the ESB have had such a big influence on my whole life, not only am I fitter, and calmer but I'm more insulated against the negative than I realise!  I am finding a whole new level of intolerance for negativity that I believe is self-preservation kicking in, allowing me the emotional space to deal with my own problems!

 

I'm looking forward to seeing what tomorrow brings in the way of successes and challenges; so far I feel like I'm doing great with my routine, especially regarding the children and getting them regular with brushing their teeth.

Challenge Day 2 - found here

Challenge Day 1  - found here

(I am experimenting with ways to make this blogging process more navigable for myself here, so far no breakthroughs)