So life is a lot different now. In so many many ways. Some of which I discussed in my last post. Many of which I haven't yet even identified, Dad was such an integral part of who I am, and certainly who I became in the last two years.
We had a terrible thing happen to one of our children three weeks after Dad's death. That taught me the humility of being in shock, and the formidable-ness of being a parent, protecting and empowering my child whilst falling apart myself. It also gave me reason to be grateful for the kind souls who have helped me through those weeks since.
people who help
In this instance, as with other moments of extreme need, it has been a few reliable dear friends, and some very considerate far-away friends, and even near-strangers who have made an effort to reach out to me in my need. Thank you, beautiful women.
giving the problem to a higher power
I've also had opportunity to really consider what it means to give away the problems to a higher power. I never considered that 'higher power' could be metaphorically simply 'giving away' the problem to my GP for instance. However on Sunday, that is exactly what happened. I informed my GP that since my child's traumatic event I was not coping so well, and no sooner had that problem been passed to him, and I felt better. I don't think this would be everyone's recipe for 'higher power' as not everyone has a GP they've known since they were 12, with the integrity and practicality of mine! However on the subject of higher powers, I realise too, that in a sense, I would actually take my life and its problems to my Dad on a regular basis. I never troubled Dad with commentary on my challenges, but rather in our quiet silences, or in our contemplation of the deep red Azaleas in the garden I believe I was in the habit of quietly unpacking and dumping my problems out, in some of of ritual of my own, involving an appreciation of the perspective that if Dad could cope under the terrible conditions of a nursing home and be pleased about anything at all, then my whole life and its problems couldn't possibly be insurmountable. (even if they were!)
savouring the positive moments
Today I was really struggling at one point. Then I really looked at what I had. My two happy children frolicking in the pool in dappled sunlight, a perfect summer's day. And I thought on that and felt grateful for that until I truly did feel blessed to witness such calm, unfettered peace. I need to continue to take the time to appreciate everything I can.
routines are my friend
I am sticking with existing routines and making new ones! I'm still doing Tai Chi and now I've discovered that a weekly trip to the movies does wonders that I can't live without at the moment.
feeling the 'Dadness'
One of the things that really helped me to feel that blessed sense of happiness was that I made myself see the picture with Dad's eyes. He would have laughed and been delighted at the kids playing, and he would have said to me "Don't worry about all that other nonsense, you'll be all right" I'm blessed to have the opportunity to learn from him, even after he has passed.
feeling the pain
It is easy to try to 'cope' to push aside indignity and pain. Sometimes it is necessary for getting by. But feeling the pain and hurt and sorrow is also vital to being a whole person. Today after an extremely confronting correspondence from my child's school I was brought to tears during a business phone call. And I owned it, that was my pain and sorrow and it wasn't going to be held in at that point, because it was part of who I am. There are some times when crying might not be a great idea, but also sometimes when it is ok to cry regardless of the circumstances.
change my thinking not solving the problem
I read this in a meme today. It absolutely sums up all of the above and more. It is only by perceiving things differently that I will get through this period in my life in a way that leaves me healthier than coming into it.
Be kind and loving. (a reminder for myself and an idea to contemplate)
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label overwhelmed. Show all posts
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
The gloomy return of the mid-life panic!
I finally dug myself out of the 'poor me' attitude this evening long enough to go for a 20 minute walk before blogging. On my walk I realised that the mid-life-impending-doom-fear-of-death-and-mortality crisis had snuck it's way back inside my brain.
I was walking in fear. In fear of a heart attack (yes I have risk factors), in fear of leaving my children behind, in fear of not having left them with a true legacy of 'me'. I find it hard to even type those words, so strong is the gripping emotion. This was the kind of emotional turmoil that had taken hold of me (at times) prior to the great Bruce Springsteen catharsis in March. Listening to Bruce evaporated my fears, galvanised my resolve and until the past few weeks, I have not looked back, particularly in terms of physical fitness and responsibility for my physical well-being.
I've struggled emotionally and with time since my Dad went back into the nursing home. The idea that he would pass at any moment was difficult to accept, as was the about-face of realising that the doom and gloom predictions were again a little overenthusiastic. At the moment Dad is quite stable, if chronically unwell.
I think that the single most important factor to all the 'energy organising' that I do is to ensure that I have 1. nurtured my physical self so that I am a fully functioning capable human and 2. developed or maintained or discovered? a sense of 'me' so that I know whatever the future holds, that my children know 'me', they are not seeing only a shadow of the whole person.
I am fairly sure at the moment I'm very shadow like. I think this is what has been bugging me for a while. Part of the solution I know from previous experience is to focus in on the single important thing, and allow all other things to fall as they will after that. It seems to be effective. It is certainly a message I would like my children to remember -that their Mum instilled in them a sense of exercise for well-being, as well as living by that example.
I need to be considerably more active to be a poster child for health and exercise, but today I am satisfied that I at least had a go. I walked from the mechanics to playgroup, to the bus stop and back this afternoon (about 1.6 kms round trip) and then for another 20 minutes walk tonight. I took every opportunity this day offered to be more active.
On the subject of the authentic self that I feel I am not honouring, particularly in relation to my children, I found this article interesting. It never occurred to me to make a list of the things I like about me, and at the moment, I think our family could benefit from one of those sticky wall projects where each person's name is given a describing word around it. This isn't what the article is about, it is quite different, but for someone who is extrinsically motivated it always pays to keep an eye on the kind things that others who love me are saying about me!
Right now my mind is a bit of a puddle, I had so many more coherent thoughts but the fingers will not keep up, and the mind is interrupted with housework.
I was walking in fear. In fear of a heart attack (yes I have risk factors), in fear of leaving my children behind, in fear of not having left them with a true legacy of 'me'. I find it hard to even type those words, so strong is the gripping emotion. This was the kind of emotional turmoil that had taken hold of me (at times) prior to the great Bruce Springsteen catharsis in March. Listening to Bruce evaporated my fears, galvanised my resolve and until the past few weeks, I have not looked back, particularly in terms of physical fitness and responsibility for my physical well-being.
I've struggled emotionally and with time since my Dad went back into the nursing home. The idea that he would pass at any moment was difficult to accept, as was the about-face of realising that the doom and gloom predictions were again a little overenthusiastic. At the moment Dad is quite stable, if chronically unwell.
I think that the single most important factor to all the 'energy organising' that I do is to ensure that I have 1. nurtured my physical self so that I am a fully functioning capable human and 2. developed or maintained or discovered? a sense of 'me' so that I know whatever the future holds, that my children know 'me', they are not seeing only a shadow of the whole person.
I am fairly sure at the moment I'm very shadow like. I think this is what has been bugging me for a while. Part of the solution I know from previous experience is to focus in on the single important thing, and allow all other things to fall as they will after that. It seems to be effective. It is certainly a message I would like my children to remember -that their Mum instilled in them a sense of exercise for well-being, as well as living by that example.
I need to be considerably more active to be a poster child for health and exercise, but today I am satisfied that I at least had a go. I walked from the mechanics to playgroup, to the bus stop and back this afternoon (about 1.6 kms round trip) and then for another 20 minutes walk tonight. I took every opportunity this day offered to be more active.
On the subject of the authentic self that I feel I am not honouring, particularly in relation to my children, I found this article interesting. It never occurred to me to make a list of the things I like about me, and at the moment, I think our family could benefit from one of those sticky wall projects where each person's name is given a describing word around it. This isn't what the article is about, it is quite different, but for someone who is extrinsically motivated it always pays to keep an eye on the kind things that others who love me are saying about me!
Right now my mind is a bit of a puddle, I had so many more coherent thoughts but the fingers will not keep up, and the mind is interrupted with housework.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
some days you can look at the bright side...
Yesterday was one of those days. Nothing could wash away the sunny skies for me. This is the facebook status update I posted:
I had an absolutely wonderful day today. My darling hubby rescued Dad by making sure he got his injection that was written up for him despite the nurse attempting to not do it, then returned home with our elder daughter. In the meantime I got a ton of washing done. My boy had his best mate and Mum over for a swim and play and us adults spent a lazy Sunday morning eating fruit salad! This afternoon went so lazily that I don't remember any details! Tonight finished with moving smallest ones clothes into the new bedroom, erecting a halloween spider's web, my little boy reading me a book and getting almost all the words and 3 happy little kiddliwinks and 2 tired parents!
What I could have posted about was:
Waht a frustrating day with a slow start, I'm too embarrassed at the state of the house so we need to collect my daughter from the sleepover, we don't want her friend's Dad seeing our place. My boy's friend is late, what took them so long, the playdate will be ruined by the big sister arriving home, oh NO!, now my boy has broken a light fitting by not listening to me and playing on the stairs! What an unproductive afternoon, nothing done and moody eldest child to boot! Got nothing done tonight, tomorrow will be a write-off.
This was a different, yet equally accurate version of yesterday as well. It was not the way I chose to record the day in my memory, nor on Facebook. I'm glad about that. I'd rather remember the lazy morning's visit with friends than the broken light fitting.
Some days, like today however, have parts in them that are beyond my understanding to mentally change. Even if I set aside the total waste of my time and frustrating incompetence of Dad's nursing home staff, there remains the 'husband and younger siblings miss the primary concert night' debacle.
As far as I'm concerned, the whole thing started and finished with the utterance at 3:30pm of the words "we've got plenty of time" about a performance that started at 5pm sharp, and is a 35 minute drive away.
I leave it with you to figure out the details for yourselves. I'm glad I got to see the performance, that my daughter had someone to watch her. I'm sad that her father missed out and that because of him, her little brother particularly missed an opportunity to see live music.
I had an absolutely wonderful day today. My darling hubby rescued Dad by making sure he got his injection that was written up for him despite the nurse attempting to not do it, then returned home with our elder daughter. In the meantime I got a ton of washing done. My boy had his best mate and Mum over for a swim and play and us adults spent a lazy Sunday morning eating fruit salad! This afternoon went so lazily that I don't remember any details! Tonight finished with moving smallest ones clothes into the new bedroom, erecting a halloween spider's web, my little boy reading me a book and getting almost all the words and 3 happy little kiddliwinks and 2 tired parents!
What I could have posted about was:
Waht a frustrating day with a slow start, I'm too embarrassed at the state of the house so we need to collect my daughter from the sleepover, we don't want her friend's Dad seeing our place. My boy's friend is late, what took them so long, the playdate will be ruined by the big sister arriving home, oh NO!, now my boy has broken a light fitting by not listening to me and playing on the stairs! What an unproductive afternoon, nothing done and moody eldest child to boot! Got nothing done tonight, tomorrow will be a write-off.
This was a different, yet equally accurate version of yesterday as well. It was not the way I chose to record the day in my memory, nor on Facebook. I'm glad about that. I'd rather remember the lazy morning's visit with friends than the broken light fitting.
Some days, like today however, have parts in them that are beyond my understanding to mentally change. Even if I set aside the total waste of my time and frustrating incompetence of Dad's nursing home staff, there remains the 'husband and younger siblings miss the primary concert night' debacle.
As far as I'm concerned, the whole thing started and finished with the utterance at 3:30pm of the words "we've got plenty of time" about a performance that started at 5pm sharp, and is a 35 minute drive away.
I leave it with you to figure out the details for yourselves. I'm glad I got to see the performance, that my daughter had someone to watch her. I'm sad that her father missed out and that because of him, her little brother particularly missed an opportunity to see live music.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Spiralling up or down? It's my choice.
Sadly I attended a funeral today. As they do, this one got me thinking about life, and what it all means.
My revelation for the evening is this:
Life is like a marriage. You are either actively contributing towards its success, or your apathy is actively working against it.
I was told this about relationships a long time ago and have found it to be proven true time and time again. Applying the principle to 'living life' works in the same way. Apathy or not engaging is simply another way of going out of your way not to live life to the fullest.
My exercise and eating have come unstuck lately. I've gained weight :( I was contemplating this while wondering how to get it all back on track and I realised that this principle applies. I'm either working with all I have towards healthy living, or by doing 'nothing' I am in fact descending rapidly into unhealthy habits again. For some people this may not be so prounounced but for me it is very clear that apathy equates to negativity.
I keep having to remind myself to continue to blog, and to keep up all the range of good habits I began. I get forgetful and imagine that as long as I exercise and eat well that I'm doing 'good', when in fact I've proven to myself this year that blogging, gratitude and other habits are as important as the exercise and they contribute to my capacity to maintain the exercise and good eating habits under stressful circumstances.
Ergo, that we are constantly in motion and as creatures of habit our motion tends to keep going in the direction we are travelling - thus we are either spiralling up (working towards the good stuff) or spiralling down (away from the good stuff).
I choose to keep spiralling up. I choose to keep choosing this, over and over again.
My revelation for the evening is this:
Life is like a marriage. You are either actively contributing towards its success, or your apathy is actively working against it.
I was told this about relationships a long time ago and have found it to be proven true time and time again. Applying the principle to 'living life' works in the same way. Apathy or not engaging is simply another way of going out of your way not to live life to the fullest.
My exercise and eating have come unstuck lately. I've gained weight :( I was contemplating this while wondering how to get it all back on track and I realised that this principle applies. I'm either working with all I have towards healthy living, or by doing 'nothing' I am in fact descending rapidly into unhealthy habits again. For some people this may not be so prounounced but for me it is very clear that apathy equates to negativity.
I keep having to remind myself to continue to blog, and to keep up all the range of good habits I began. I get forgetful and imagine that as long as I exercise and eat well that I'm doing 'good', when in fact I've proven to myself this year that blogging, gratitude and other habits are as important as the exercise and they contribute to my capacity to maintain the exercise and good eating habits under stressful circumstances.
Ergo, that we are constantly in motion and as creatures of habit our motion tends to keep going in the direction we are travelling - thus we are either spiralling up (working towards the good stuff) or spiralling down (away from the good stuff).
I choose to keep spiralling up. I choose to keep choosing this, over and over again.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Lurgy!
I've been struck down with .... a headcold!
Aside from general fatigue it's not so bad. What it has done is sapped some of my energy, but that is what improvisation and friends are for. I've used the latter to bolster my focus and remind me of the tasks that can't be compromised or put off - like talking with doctors.
As for improvisation, I am realising that what counts is every time you say "yes" I can do something about this that matters. Every yes is the door to another yes and more goodwill and good feelings.
So my yes for today was to do stretching exercises and squats while pushing my girl on the swing. I feel better, so does she and I have bought myself the goodwill to quickly type these thoughts out before lunch :)
Aside from general fatigue it's not so bad. What it has done is sapped some of my energy, but that is what improvisation and friends are for. I've used the latter to bolster my focus and remind me of the tasks that can't be compromised or put off - like talking with doctors.
As for improvisation, I am realising that what counts is every time you say "yes" I can do something about this that matters. Every yes is the door to another yes and more goodwill and good feelings.
So my yes for today was to do stretching exercises and squats while pushing my girl on the swing. I feel better, so does she and I have bought myself the goodwill to quickly type these thoughts out before lunch :)
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Indecision - a real threat to happiness
So here I sit, as I attempt to come to terms with the past few months lack of decisiveness on the issue of a European Bruce holiday, and wracked with agony over the correct date to hold my daughter's 2nd birthday party, and where.
And then I realise. I've been hit with the indecisiveness bug. That one that bites you on the derriere as soon as you let it creep back into your life. And so began my Internet search for answers to party problem (the Bruce Springsteen problem now rests entirely on the outcome of a competition for tickets to Cardiff on 23rd July).
And I was first struck by this quote “Indecision is often worse than wrong action.” – Henry Ford
That's the crux of it isn't it? There is no point wavering from here till eternity wondering, or being in fear of being wrong. It was a matter of just doing it. Which solved my problem with the birthday party at least. I made decisions. Plenty of them. First I would let / encourage the active participation of my elder children who want to be the ones throwing their sister a party. Going along with that theme, to keep their enthusiasm, I chose the nearer party date, and for our home to be the location, despite my fears, because it would be easier for them. Decision made, I figure in terms of parties it couldn't possibly go as wrong as my elder daughter's 3rd birthday party that had to be cancelled on the day (as some guests arrived) because her baby brother was born that morning at home!
As the day wore on, the links between this birthday party, my decreased happiness and my total lack of commitment to my 'dream' of seeing Bruce and the ESB in Europe became more obvious. I see now that my uncertainty and tentativeness meant that I was never going to be going to Europe, I simply did not show the commitment and determination necessary.
I had walked straight into the problem identified by this website
However, the problem with being indecisive about the bigger things is that often, the window of opportunity to make a decision is limited and so if someone can’t make a decision for themselves, other people or changing circumstances make the decision for them.
That was me. Circumstances of less than a fortnight left of the European tour (and possibly the whole Wrecking Ball Tour) make it logistically almost impossible now to get the family to Europe.
So I reason with myself a little. I console myself that I've lost 13kgs, and that is a good thing. I argue that my house cleaning is still not completed, but that signs are promising as I'm making terrific progress. Most of all I apply the most basic reason - that it is really scary the idea of taking the family to Europe and that I've spent the money on children's school fees and sports tuition.
But I'm not at all impressed with my weeks of agony over the birthday party; and I'm certainly not looking forward to the next two weeks of hearing of the last tour gigs. I don't like to think that had I been decisive, the stresses of the past weeks might've been the stresses of getting three children through an international airport to connecting flights, or of finding our accommodation in a strange country. But no.
So my Internet search led me to this page, where the following quote gives me pause for thought:
“A test of mental strength is the ability to take firm decisions. Indecision is always a sign of mental weakness. It shows there are unresolved conflicts within you. And conflicts undermine the integrity of the personality. If we remain in a state of indecision for a long time, instead of gaining strength we become weaker. To remain in a state of indecision and then to try to make your mind strong is stupid. We must be very decisive about small things. Then we find it easier to take decisions about bigger things. Even the smallest thing in life is to be done consciously, intelligently, decisively, coordinating all of the faculties – feeling, thinking, and willing. Cultivate good habits early in life. A well regulated life is of great help. If we follow a strict routine every day, many of the little problems in life will not create indecision and worries. Then we get more energy and time for bigger things. We must not lie in bed and go on thinking for half an hour, ‘Shall I get up or not?’ Either get up immediately or sleep for another half an hour, but do not remain in an indecisive state. Indecision is very harmful. Let not the little things of life nag you constantly and dissipate your energies.” Swami Avdheshanand.
So many factors there. I recently searched on the emotional causes of rheumatoid arthritis, and funnily enough, it said unresolved conflicts!
Putting that little gem aside for a moment, the website suggests the following steps to improving that mental strength:
1. Spend a few days noticing when you are caught in the clutches of indecision – what types of things are bothering you? Are they small things or big things? How much time do you devote to make simple decisions?
2. Pick one thing to focus on, something that you constantly struggle with (it could be what time to get up in the morning, what to eat that day, what outfit to wear). Make sure it’s a small thing to start with so you don’t make it too difficult for yourself.
3. Next time you find yourself struggling to choose on your chosen subject, remind yourself mentally “I am a decisive person and I will not waste my time and energy with this.”
4. Now – simply pick one option. Make a decision quickly and commit to it. It doesn’t matter if it’s the right decision or not – just do it.
5. Let it go. Refrain from labouring about whether you made the right choice or not and move on. Do something immediately that really does matter to you – and if possible something that will make a positive difference to your life or to the lives of others.
- See more at: http://simplelifestrategies.com/5-steps-to-overcome-indecision/#sthash.5FZbFF6V.dpuf
Or, to follow the suggestion a friend made a few weeks ago about the housework. Decide to do SOME (e.g. start with just one thing like emptying the dishwasher) or decide not to. Don't agonise over everything, because that is a total waste of time. At least if I decide not to do housework, I'll be free to ENJOY whatever else I do instead, making it at least a fun use of my time :)
I've been totally missing this obvious common sense over Bruce Springsteen's Tour, and again about the birthday party ideas. Now I just need to make the most of where I am now. I know I feel better for having made the decisions about the party, and with a light heart, rather than a doubting one. So far all the rest of the decisions about my little girl's party have come easier and easier because I'm committed to it.
I'll spend some time thinking about those 5 steps and about conflict!
And then I realise. I've been hit with the indecisiveness bug. That one that bites you on the derriere as soon as you let it creep back into your life. And so began my Internet search for answers to party problem (the Bruce Springsteen problem now rests entirely on the outcome of a competition for tickets to Cardiff on 23rd July).
And I was first struck by this quote “Indecision is often worse than wrong action.” – Henry Ford
That's the crux of it isn't it? There is no point wavering from here till eternity wondering, or being in fear of being wrong. It was a matter of just doing it. Which solved my problem with the birthday party at least. I made decisions. Plenty of them. First I would let / encourage the active participation of my elder children who want to be the ones throwing their sister a party. Going along with that theme, to keep their enthusiasm, I chose the nearer party date, and for our home to be the location, despite my fears, because it would be easier for them. Decision made, I figure in terms of parties it couldn't possibly go as wrong as my elder daughter's 3rd birthday party that had to be cancelled on the day (as some guests arrived) because her baby brother was born that morning at home!
As the day wore on, the links between this birthday party, my decreased happiness and my total lack of commitment to my 'dream' of seeing Bruce and the ESB in Europe became more obvious. I see now that my uncertainty and tentativeness meant that I was never going to be going to Europe, I simply did not show the commitment and determination necessary.
I had walked straight into the problem identified by this website
However, the problem with being indecisive about the bigger things is that often, the window of opportunity to make a decision is limited and so if someone can’t make a decision for themselves, other people or changing circumstances make the decision for them.
That was me. Circumstances of less than a fortnight left of the European tour (and possibly the whole Wrecking Ball Tour) make it logistically almost impossible now to get the family to Europe.
So I reason with myself a little. I console myself that I've lost 13kgs, and that is a good thing. I argue that my house cleaning is still not completed, but that signs are promising as I'm making terrific progress. Most of all I apply the most basic reason - that it is really scary the idea of taking the family to Europe and that I've spent the money on children's school fees and sports tuition.
But I'm not at all impressed with my weeks of agony over the birthday party; and I'm certainly not looking forward to the next two weeks of hearing of the last tour gigs. I don't like to think that had I been decisive, the stresses of the past weeks might've been the stresses of getting three children through an international airport to connecting flights, or of finding our accommodation in a strange country. But no.
So my Internet search led me to this page, where the following quote gives me pause for thought:
“A test of mental strength is the ability to take firm decisions. Indecision is always a sign of mental weakness. It shows there are unresolved conflicts within you. And conflicts undermine the integrity of the personality. If we remain in a state of indecision for a long time, instead of gaining strength we become weaker. To remain in a state of indecision and then to try to make your mind strong is stupid. We must be very decisive about small things. Then we find it easier to take decisions about bigger things. Even the smallest thing in life is to be done consciously, intelligently, decisively, coordinating all of the faculties – feeling, thinking, and willing. Cultivate good habits early in life. A well regulated life is of great help. If we follow a strict routine every day, many of the little problems in life will not create indecision and worries. Then we get more energy and time for bigger things. We must not lie in bed and go on thinking for half an hour, ‘Shall I get up or not?’ Either get up immediately or sleep for another half an hour, but do not remain in an indecisive state. Indecision is very harmful. Let not the little things of life nag you constantly and dissipate your energies.” Swami Avdheshanand.
So many factors there. I recently searched on the emotional causes of rheumatoid arthritis, and funnily enough, it said unresolved conflicts!
Putting that little gem aside for a moment, the website suggests the following steps to improving that mental strength:
1. Spend a few days noticing when you are caught in the clutches of indecision – what types of things are bothering you? Are they small things or big things? How much time do you devote to make simple decisions?
2. Pick one thing to focus on, something that you constantly struggle with (it could be what time to get up in the morning, what to eat that day, what outfit to wear). Make sure it’s a small thing to start with so you don’t make it too difficult for yourself.
3. Next time you find yourself struggling to choose on your chosen subject, remind yourself mentally “I am a decisive person and I will not waste my time and energy with this.”
4. Now – simply pick one option. Make a decision quickly and commit to it. It doesn’t matter if it’s the right decision or not – just do it.
5. Let it go. Refrain from labouring about whether you made the right choice or not and move on. Do something immediately that really does matter to you – and if possible something that will make a positive difference to your life or to the lives of others.
- See more at: http://simplelifestrategies.com/5-steps-to-overcome-indecision/#sthash.5FZbFF6V.dpuf
Or, to follow the suggestion a friend made a few weeks ago about the housework. Decide to do SOME (e.g. start with just one thing like emptying the dishwasher) or decide not to. Don't agonise over everything, because that is a total waste of time. At least if I decide not to do housework, I'll be free to ENJOY whatever else I do instead, making it at least a fun use of my time :)
I've been totally missing this obvious common sense over Bruce Springsteen's Tour, and again about the birthday party ideas. Now I just need to make the most of where I am now. I know I feel better for having made the decisions about the party, and with a light heart, rather than a doubting one. So far all the rest of the decisions about my little girl's party have come easier and easier because I'm committed to it.
I'll spend some time thinking about those 5 steps and about conflict!
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Unfinished Business
As I pulled up in my driveway tonight, the strange uneven bent of the Grevillea tree caught my eye. It is leaning dangerously close to the power line to the house, a remnant branch from a poorly finished job of tree lopping done over 12 months ago.
Which of course leads me straight into the flyaway thoughts of 'why me?' "why do I have these bodgy tradies come here who don't finish work?" "Why do I always end up 'making do' with someone else's incompetence, that I have paid for?"
The very first answer is that I rely on my husband. I do not take sole responsibility, and yes, though he perhaps ought to be able to manage this kind of thing, the fact is, if he can't or won't, that's the point at which *I* end up dealing with the consequences.
Now I know this. And therefore why do I continue to leave things in his hands, when I really should have learnt by now? Habit? Perhaps so. But no doubt there is something in me or him that motivates me to accept pathetically low standards.
Is his fear of confrontation so strong that he resorts to dishonestly tricking me into trusting him to deal with it? Possibly it is, however again, by now, you'd think I'd learn.
In fact as I write, I begin to wonder if there isn't some way for me to improve my future record by somehow going back into the past and doing something to right the wrongs. These are not small things, for the most part, and off the top of my head, I can list the following areas where I've been done over by folk I've paid for 'helping' me.
It occurs to me tonight that to write a simple letter to these businesses outlining the problem and the lack of response to our complaint (we have always pointed out the problem at the time, but only once and never followed through), and that we would welcome whatever form of amends they wish to make would be warmly welcomed.
In the future how to prevent this? I am not sure. I know that when it comes to my father's health and care, I have learnt a very great deal about negotiation, and about getting what you want from people, with persistence and careful advocacy. I know it is tiring, and that it is much easier with the motivation of advocating to keep someone alive and with dignity than it is to negotiate for a job site to be tidied up, when it is about things not health, I find it more difficult to advocate, both for my Dad and for myself. It is certainly easier for me to advocate for him, as a third person, than I manage to advocate for my own self-interest. Self-advocacy is certainly the topic I believe I need to strengthen.
Which of course leads me straight into the flyaway thoughts of 'why me?' "why do I have these bodgy tradies come here who don't finish work?" "Why do I always end up 'making do' with someone else's incompetence, that I have paid for?"
The very first answer is that I rely on my husband. I do not take sole responsibility, and yes, though he perhaps ought to be able to manage this kind of thing, the fact is, if he can't or won't, that's the point at which *I* end up dealing with the consequences.
Now I know this. And therefore why do I continue to leave things in his hands, when I really should have learnt by now? Habit? Perhaps so. But no doubt there is something in me or him that motivates me to accept pathetically low standards.
Is his fear of confrontation so strong that he resorts to dishonestly tricking me into trusting him to deal with it? Possibly it is, however again, by now, you'd think I'd learn.
In fact as I write, I begin to wonder if there isn't some way for me to improve my future record by somehow going back into the past and doing something to right the wrongs. These are not small things, for the most part, and off the top of my head, I can list the following areas where I've been done over by folk I've paid for 'helping' me.
- Many years ago we got cleaners in to help us for 2 hours. They swept dirt out the front door and onto the ornamental rocks immediately outside the door, making the garden dirty.
- Last year when doing pest control, the pest control agency dug up flowers in the same garden and did not replace them.
- we once had our car 'detailed' with instructions about not using perfumes. The car still stinks today and this happened over 2 years ago.
- We had about 7 trees lopped for safety at a cost of over $1000. The trees at the front of the property were left lop-sided and not tidy
- Recently we had a laundry converted to a bathroom. The builder left the room in a mess, did not reinstall curtains, grab rails in the toilet for my elderly father or a number of other things.
- A long list of dodgy plumbing capers; including leaving ceramic sewage pipe fragments in the backyard, messy pipework, poor joining of old and new work.
- We had our entire roof replaced at a cost of $25,000. You'd expect this to go well but no. We did not have a contract, and work that was told to us would be completed never was, including the raising of a section of floor & walls to the same height as the remainder of the house, and the levelling of the ceiling. They also installed insulation over existing insulation, rendering all insulation useless as there is no roof cavity for air circulation.
It occurs to me tonight that to write a simple letter to these businesses outlining the problem and the lack of response to our complaint (we have always pointed out the problem at the time, but only once and never followed through), and that we would welcome whatever form of amends they wish to make would be warmly welcomed.
In the future how to prevent this? I am not sure. I know that when it comes to my father's health and care, I have learnt a very great deal about negotiation, and about getting what you want from people, with persistence and careful advocacy. I know it is tiring, and that it is much easier with the motivation of advocating to keep someone alive and with dignity than it is to negotiate for a job site to be tidied up, when it is about things not health, I find it more difficult to advocate, both for my Dad and for myself. It is certainly easier for me to advocate for him, as a third person, than I manage to advocate for my own self-interest. Self-advocacy is certainly the topic I believe I need to strengthen.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Juggling all the balls
I've had my eldest child back for nearly a week now, and survived the transition after bringing her home Monday night and having a blood pressure spike on the same night.
What have I learnt during this past week of chaos, mayhem, stress, fun and frustration? Not a lot I'm afraid. I've learnt that I feel like a hamster in a wheel, spinning round and round and achieving only a bad headache and temper to match.
In contrast I've also enjoyed the small things. Because as so many times we are reminded by little inspirational memes, they ARE the big things.
I've hugged my boy so tight, I've giggled with my baby. I've heard my elder girl explain to me her economic theories of life. I've enjoyed a visit with Dad where we held a normal conversation about his living arrangements, and how we would both prefer he be somewhere else.
I've felt blessed by all my family this week, as well as infuriated!
And I have no answers. Not one. All my blogging, and theorising and mantras continue to boil down to the fact that I have to make a huge effort for happiness, that it doesn't just 'come' and that order in my life similarly doesn't come easily.
Interestingly I did see this YouTube clip about how as we get older, we see time as speeding up; and that if we increase our new, novel experiences, we improve our memory making, and our sense of time going more slowly, with more meaning.
This inspired me to stop complaining and to start moving. At the moment that means working a little more towards some travelling, and also to look at seeing more live music, getting ready for 2 birthday parties and doing something meaningful with this last week of school holidays.
Seems like a lot doesn't it? It IS a lot. No wonder I'm tired just thinking about that, plus all the other details! Maybe that's what I need to work on next / most of all - how to make everything SEEM simpler! Get the 'clutter' out of my mind!
What have I learnt during this past week of chaos, mayhem, stress, fun and frustration? Not a lot I'm afraid. I've learnt that I feel like a hamster in a wheel, spinning round and round and achieving only a bad headache and temper to match.
In contrast I've also enjoyed the small things. Because as so many times we are reminded by little inspirational memes, they ARE the big things.
I've hugged my boy so tight, I've giggled with my baby. I've heard my elder girl explain to me her economic theories of life. I've enjoyed a visit with Dad where we held a normal conversation about his living arrangements, and how we would both prefer he be somewhere else.
I've felt blessed by all my family this week, as well as infuriated!
And I have no answers. Not one. All my blogging, and theorising and mantras continue to boil down to the fact that I have to make a huge effort for happiness, that it doesn't just 'come' and that order in my life similarly doesn't come easily.
This inspired me to stop complaining and to start moving. At the moment that means working a little more towards some travelling, and also to look at seeing more live music, getting ready for 2 birthday parties and doing something meaningful with this last week of school holidays.
Seems like a lot doesn't it? It IS a lot. No wonder I'm tired just thinking about that, plus all the other details! Maybe that's what I need to work on next / most of all - how to make everything SEEM simpler! Get the 'clutter' out of my mind!
Monday, July 1, 2013
Happiness Challenge Day 6
Today I'm blogging in the middle of the day because I'm alone in the house, supposed to be making progress on cleaning things that children can't be home for (scrubbing floors and craft cupboard cleaning). I'm going even slower than yesterday however, so its only mildly effective as a plan.
In between enjoying Bruce Springsteen songs I'm working my way slowly through the remnants of the cleaning of the bookshelf on the kitchen table.
I'm going to continue with my 10 points as its is like a cheat's way of diary keeping, it covers most categories of my life that are important.
Blogging
Exercise & Tai Chi
Bruce
Gratitude
Friendship
Children
Cleanup
Diet
Everything Else
Lights out
Remembering diet and lights out seem to have been the most difficult things. In fact my diet really hasn't improved more than marginally since the challenge began on Monday.
I do have an idea for more Bruce-related posts, that I want to write about how some of the lyrics affect me. I've done this before with "We Are Alive" but I'm keen to visit some of his other songs and lyrics and reflect on the relevance to organising energy.
For now, its back to cleaning. I am finding cleaning to be a very draining, energy out activity. I would have thought that I would enjoy it and get more satisfaction and sense of acomplishing something than I am, however all I am feeling at the end is tired and like I've been spending a lot of emotional energy, which is weird.
In the end, as I lay in bed I can look out and see the floor I scrubbed this afternoon, it is shining and clean in the glow from the night-light. I'm still tired and drained but oh-so-happy that job is done!
In between enjoying Bruce Springsteen songs I'm working my way slowly through the remnants of the cleaning of the bookshelf on the kitchen table.
I'm going to continue with my 10 points as its is like a cheat's way of diary keeping, it covers most categories of my life that are important.
Blogging
Exercise & Tai Chi
Bruce
Gratitude
Friendship
Children
Cleanup
Diet
Everything Else
Lights out
Remembering diet and lights out seem to have been the most difficult things. In fact my diet really hasn't improved more than marginally since the challenge began on Monday.
I do have an idea for more Bruce-related posts, that I want to write about how some of the lyrics affect me. I've done this before with "We Are Alive" but I'm keen to visit some of his other songs and lyrics and reflect on the relevance to organising energy.
For now, its back to cleaning. I am finding cleaning to be a very draining, energy out activity. I would have thought that I would enjoy it and get more satisfaction and sense of acomplishing something than I am, however all I am feeling at the end is tired and like I've been spending a lot of emotional energy, which is weird.
In the end, as I lay in bed I can look out and see the floor I scrubbed this afternoon, it is shining and clean in the glow from the night-light. I'm still tired and drained but oh-so-happy that job is done!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
A daily routine
What a novel idea!
I'm going to make an attempt at this in the coming weeks of the school holidays. So that I can be a 'real Mum', something I apparently have been slack at recently.
My idea of what goes into a daily routine would be:
Morning routine, consisting of breakfast, brushing teeth, getting dressed and putting on laundry & dishwasher.
Early morning cleaning focus - getting stuck into the often ignored projects, like cleaning out cupboards, sorting toys.
Mid-morning snack, followed by craft / food time with children - so while they're eating, I'm setting up for a late morning of entertaining cooking or construction
playtime for them, washing up / laundry folding / daily routine task time for me OR this is when we do errands / shopping needed for the evening's meal.
Lunch
post-lunch cleaning focus - tidy up and 'make nice' whatever room the morning was in
afternoon learning time with children - reading or playing, maybe toy sorting every afternoon (there are lots of toys)
Then afternoon tea, me cooking dinner, more general 'daily' tidying, including clean clothes put away from laundry to bedrooms.
Then tea time, showers, night-time routine. Read a book and tidy up all clothes and toys.
Little people to bed, wash up, adult night-time routine including taking out bin, cleaning the sink.
On days when I am left alone in the house I need another routine, more like:
1. Tackle major project
2. eat and relax
3. all 'daily' cleaning
4. either another major project or a significant 'regular cleaning' job, like scrubbing floors / vacuuming.
5. relax!
Thats what I'm going to go with for now, hopefully something like this will come to pass.
I'm going to make an attempt at this in the coming weeks of the school holidays. So that I can be a 'real Mum', something I apparently have been slack at recently.
My idea of what goes into a daily routine would be:
Morning routine, consisting of breakfast, brushing teeth, getting dressed and putting on laundry & dishwasher.
Early morning cleaning focus - getting stuck into the often ignored projects, like cleaning out cupboards, sorting toys.
Mid-morning snack, followed by craft / food time with children - so while they're eating, I'm setting up for a late morning of entertaining cooking or construction
playtime for them, washing up / laundry folding / daily routine task time for me OR this is when we do errands / shopping needed for the evening's meal.
Lunch
post-lunch cleaning focus - tidy up and 'make nice' whatever room the morning was in
afternoon learning time with children - reading or playing, maybe toy sorting every afternoon (there are lots of toys)
Then afternoon tea, me cooking dinner, more general 'daily' tidying, including clean clothes put away from laundry to bedrooms.
Then tea time, showers, night-time routine. Read a book and tidy up all clothes and toys.
Little people to bed, wash up, adult night-time routine including taking out bin, cleaning the sink.
On days when I am left alone in the house I need another routine, more like:
1. Tackle major project
2. eat and relax
3. all 'daily' cleaning
4. either another major project or a significant 'regular cleaning' job, like scrubbing floors / vacuuming.
5. relax!
Thats what I'm going to go with for now, hopefully something like this will come to pass.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Taking care of yourself - an epiphany.
I've had an epiphany. Not a very pleasant one, but an incredibly poignant light bulb moment. I'm sitting in my broken down car, on the side of the highway, waiting now for over half an hour for a row truck to collect myself and my disabled car in the pouring rain.
I have been watching European concerts for Bruce Springsteen with increasing agitation and envy (check this link for why); what if this is his last tour? What if he stops touring and goes home to New Jersey for the next 2 years? These thoughts are what fuels my desperation to see him one more time, while I can.
And then there it was. My 'oh hell' moment, when I realised that had I argued more, or better, 10 years ago to have my frequent flyer points reinstated after they expired when my credit card company stopped automatic affiliation with the frequent flyer points, then I would have enough for my family to travel to Europe. (This happened in the traumatic year my mother got ill and died, so I was not paying attention to such things until it was too late).
What this is teaching me is that to not take care of something might seem to only have 'imaginary' consequences, the reality is that I am now sitting in THAT moment, where my much saved, loved points would have transported me from my suburban existence and taken my whole family on an amazing overseas holiday. My consequence for not sticking up for myself 10 years ago is right now, this very minute, realising that yes, that vague time in the future does come around! It's like when you are young the idea that smoking will ruin your health is a vague notion at best - some imaginary calamitous future disease - it does come to pass!
Here's my tow truck - the consequence of not paying attention to my car - now it's broken :(
Lesson for me? Take care of things, all the things. Just like my health, the whole of my life is my responsibility and there are consequences to doing a half hearted job. I knew that eventually this new sense of self-actualisation regarding my health must begin to permeate the other facets of my life; however I'd always imagined that the transition would be more instantaneous, in the way that seeing Bruce Springsteen in concert instantly transformed my perspective on my responsibility for my own health well-being occurred overnight. I had imagined that overnight I would have the exact same goal oriented, no-setback accepted, driven and calm resolve about decluttering my house. This somewhat obscure little 'light bulb moment' that annoyingly seems to require me to find every distasteful incomplete or neglected task in my life and place it as a matter of priority is not what I imagined as the next logical progression of realising my life is wholly my responsibility to live in a happy way. It may take some getting used it, despite the way I already see parallels between the concept of 'jobs left undone' and the state of clutter in my house. I see many instances of too lazy to find a home for items, or too lazy to return items to their proper place; of jobs half done rather than completed.
Perhaps the link isn't so obscure after all, and this will have a significant affect on my life's clutter!
I have been watching European concerts for Bruce Springsteen with increasing agitation and envy (check this link for why); what if this is his last tour? What if he stops touring and goes home to New Jersey for the next 2 years? These thoughts are what fuels my desperation to see him one more time, while I can.
And then there it was. My 'oh hell' moment, when I realised that had I argued more, or better, 10 years ago to have my frequent flyer points reinstated after they expired when my credit card company stopped automatic affiliation with the frequent flyer points, then I would have enough for my family to travel to Europe. (This happened in the traumatic year my mother got ill and died, so I was not paying attention to such things until it was too late).
What this is teaching me is that to not take care of something might seem to only have 'imaginary' consequences, the reality is that I am now sitting in THAT moment, where my much saved, loved points would have transported me from my suburban existence and taken my whole family on an amazing overseas holiday. My consequence for not sticking up for myself 10 years ago is right now, this very minute, realising that yes, that vague time in the future does come around! It's like when you are young the idea that smoking will ruin your health is a vague notion at best - some imaginary calamitous future disease - it does come to pass!
Here's my tow truck - the consequence of not paying attention to my car - now it's broken :(
Lesson for me? Take care of things, all the things. Just like my health, the whole of my life is my responsibility and there are consequences to doing a half hearted job. I knew that eventually this new sense of self-actualisation regarding my health must begin to permeate the other facets of my life; however I'd always imagined that the transition would be more instantaneous, in the way that seeing Bruce Springsteen in concert instantly transformed my perspective on my responsibility for my own health well-being occurred overnight. I had imagined that overnight I would have the exact same goal oriented, no-setback accepted, driven and calm resolve about decluttering my house. This somewhat obscure little 'light bulb moment' that annoyingly seems to require me to find every distasteful incomplete or neglected task in my life and place it as a matter of priority is not what I imagined as the next logical progression of realising my life is wholly my responsibility to live in a happy way. It may take some getting used it, despite the way I already see parallels between the concept of 'jobs left undone' and the state of clutter in my house. I see many instances of too lazy to find a home for items, or too lazy to return items to their proper place; of jobs half done rather than completed.
Perhaps the link isn't so obscure after all, and this will have a significant affect on my life's clutter!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The Jedi art of Under-reacting
I realised the other day that one of the biggest contributors to my stress level was my own reaction to potentially stressful events and news. Confronted with any hint of bad news I tend to immediately and unknowingly spend quite a few moments dramatising the problem. By dramatising I mean focussing on it, extrapolating the first information out into the future implications as though all possible negative outcomes were absolutely going to come to pass. After that I have even developed the habit of laying blame for the problem, wasting time identifying how and why the problem even occurred.
For example when my husband recently came home from a job interview with the news that he was starting work next week; my immediate reaction was dismay that his first day of work was going to be the very day after my own first day back in 2 years. I wasted valuable time and energy worrying about how I'd cope looking after our young toddler after a long day at work, and then doing it again all week, as well as doing all the school drop offs and pick ups. What I said to my husband wasn't 'oh great you managed to get my workday off'; but 'why did you arrange to start the day after me?' I turned his good news into a negative, and triggered off panic-hormones that have serious consequences for my autoimmune disease.
It might seem simple to you reading that this wasn't the perfect or even a moderately reasonable way to react to his good news, but it is a terrific example of being stuck in the rut of negativity!
How did I change this? I wanted to be all Jedi like, and not flapping around in a panic. You know, like Yoda, with all that little Jedi dude Hmm Hmm'ing? I especially like this quote too:
Well, I realised that the way to Jedi under-reacting enlightenment was to IMMEDIATELY look to the solutions and waste not a moment on the problem. Or, turn away from the fears and focus on the hope. I've been trying this for a few days and seeing a remarkable difference!!
When it came to the potential exhaustion of working all week between us, as soon as I began to think positively about the solutions I realised that this week is not a full working week, as in Australia we have a public holiday on April 25th, for ANZAC day, which means that despite potential tiredness on Tuesday and Wednesday, I will get a 'holiday' on Thursday, an extra day of not worrying about school runs, lunches and early mornings. I was so happy to apologise for my negativity and to let my husband know that it was all going to turn out fine this week,with an extra day off for our first week! The change in how I physically felt when thinking positive was obvious, I was smiling, I felt taller and less hunched, I believed in myself more, I didn't have chest pains from tensing up, and I've had so much more energy since taking this 'solution focus' on board.
One positive thought led to another, and I've made plans to have my friend look after the small person so that I can still do my Tai Chi class on Tuesday; again giving me a bit of a break and a chance to catch up for a cuppa as well!
So my newest lesson is that of focussing on the solution, not the problem. It is amazing how this simple change of focus can make such a huge difference emotionally and physically. I also hope to be re-teaching my children a new way to look at problems, to worry less and enjoy the moment, including all the little hurdles that cross our paths.
Perhaps, if I'm lucky, the new attitude and way of working will rub off on my husband, who tonight gave a brilliant demonstration of 'problem focus' - I was very happy to be able to stay calm and centred and quietly point out the communication misunderstanding when he was ready to think about solutions :)
For example when my husband recently came home from a job interview with the news that he was starting work next week; my immediate reaction was dismay that his first day of work was going to be the very day after my own first day back in 2 years. I wasted valuable time and energy worrying about how I'd cope looking after our young toddler after a long day at work, and then doing it again all week, as well as doing all the school drop offs and pick ups. What I said to my husband wasn't 'oh great you managed to get my workday off'; but 'why did you arrange to start the day after me?' I turned his good news into a negative, and triggered off panic-hormones that have serious consequences for my autoimmune disease.
It might seem simple to you reading that this wasn't the perfect or even a moderately reasonable way to react to his good news, but it is a terrific example of being stuck in the rut of negativity!
How did I change this? I wanted to be all Jedi like, and not flapping around in a panic. You know, like Yoda, with all that little Jedi dude Hmm Hmm'ing? I especially like this quote too:
Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger,
anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.
|
|---|
When it came to the potential exhaustion of working all week between us, as soon as I began to think positively about the solutions I realised that this week is not a full working week, as in Australia we have a public holiday on April 25th, for ANZAC day, which means that despite potential tiredness on Tuesday and Wednesday, I will get a 'holiday' on Thursday, an extra day of not worrying about school runs, lunches and early mornings. I was so happy to apologise for my negativity and to let my husband know that it was all going to turn out fine this week,with an extra day off for our first week! The change in how I physically felt when thinking positive was obvious, I was smiling, I felt taller and less hunched, I believed in myself more, I didn't have chest pains from tensing up, and I've had so much more energy since taking this 'solution focus' on board.
One positive thought led to another, and I've made plans to have my friend look after the small person so that I can still do my Tai Chi class on Tuesday; again giving me a bit of a break and a chance to catch up for a cuppa as well!
So my newest lesson is that of focussing on the solution, not the problem. It is amazing how this simple change of focus can make such a huge difference emotionally and physically. I also hope to be re-teaching my children a new way to look at problems, to worry less and enjoy the moment, including all the little hurdles that cross our paths.
Perhaps, if I'm lucky, the new attitude and way of working will rub off on my husband, who tonight gave a brilliant demonstration of 'problem focus' - I was very happy to be able to stay calm and centred and quietly point out the communication misunderstanding when he was ready to think about solutions :)
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Setting Achievable Goals - Life lesson Day 3
I've been very pleased with
myself since the great Thursday of happiness (aka motivational
Thursday) Since then,
less than a month ago, I have managed to transform the look of 2 rooms that we
use every day, the entry and E's space.
This week I've started on a third project, the 'Front Room'. This room used to be the living room. At one stage, when our roof was leaking and yet to be repaired, it was our bedroom and living room, many years ago. Now it has given itself over the main residence of the decrepit cat of all blindness. He hangs on in this little spot, we've kicked the children out of the room, so the TV went back upstairs and its no longer the living room. In a stroke of opportunistic genius, I've decided to transform it into my husband's 'cave', alongside the cat :)
However before I can get carried away with the idea of a home to put the thousand screwdrivers, nuts, bolts and other man-stuff that hubby leaves lying around all over the house; the whole room needs a thorough cleanup. A daunting task, as its been allowed to turn into a bit of a cesspit in recent months.
I spent a few days pottering, using the simple principle of leaving the room better than I found it, and not achieving a great deal. I really had no idea where to start. The solution came to me more as a desperate idea than a full-blown certainty. In order to give myself somewhere to simply BEGIN, I decided to break the cleaning down into sections. Normally I'd clean the floors first, but in this situation that seemed pointless as the floors were basically acquiring flotsam from the junk falling off the piled up surfaces. So I took my phone and photographed every surface area that was junked up. Sadly on its last legs (like the cat), my phone managed to make every photo a hazy milky tone. Here's an example:
It does a wonderful job of highlighting the junk, even with the surreal effect.
Surprisingly, as soon as I'd taken the photos, I was resolved to tackle all the surfaces first, and to finish as many as possible today. I remarked that it would be a miracle if I got through them all.
I should have had more faith because as I write this, all 5 areas of the room that were the same and worse than this have been totally cleaned off. The Wrecking Ball soundtrack helped, and it took the entire album to get through it all. I have one tiny nemesis of paperwork and fiddly rubbish in the bottom of the green 'Trofast' drawer in this picture. After finishing this blog, I'll be working on that till bedtime!
I've exceeded my expectations for the day, all by simply breaking down the job into smaller pieces that were not so daunting. There were still hurdles along the way, and plenty of interruptions and breaks. Having the photographs helped to keep me focussed on how I'd progressed, and finishing off one discreet area at a time was terrific motivation to move on to the next area and the next. I even did a lot of bargaining with myself, deciding I was going to stop when I finished the top of the bookcase, and was so inspired by finishing that I kept going and started on the couch, then moved on to everywhere else!
Even the deep freezer had a mountain of stuff piled on it.
Now I'm feeling invincible and ready to have the whole room spick and span tomorrow, ready for its new life as the 'cave'!
We put up these little storage racks in a random spot temporarily as having them in use somewhere was better than all the component parts lying around :) Plus they are now filled with things, mostly all the tiny bits of Lego lying around.
And the most wonderful bonus of the exercise was that I found the first ring hubby ever bought me, it is more sentimental than my wedding and engagement rings and had been missing for over a year!
I haven't set the goals for tomorrow's instalment yet, but I'm sure that making the job smaller with manageable sections will be the backbone of how I get through it!
This week I've started on a third project, the 'Front Room'. This room used to be the living room. At one stage, when our roof was leaking and yet to be repaired, it was our bedroom and living room, many years ago. Now it has given itself over the main residence of the decrepit cat of all blindness. He hangs on in this little spot, we've kicked the children out of the room, so the TV went back upstairs and its no longer the living room. In a stroke of opportunistic genius, I've decided to transform it into my husband's 'cave', alongside the cat :)
However before I can get carried away with the idea of a home to put the thousand screwdrivers, nuts, bolts and other man-stuff that hubby leaves lying around all over the house; the whole room needs a thorough cleanup. A daunting task, as its been allowed to turn into a bit of a cesspit in recent months.
I spent a few days pottering, using the simple principle of leaving the room better than I found it, and not achieving a great deal. I really had no idea where to start. The solution came to me more as a desperate idea than a full-blown certainty. In order to give myself somewhere to simply BEGIN, I decided to break the cleaning down into sections. Normally I'd clean the floors first, but in this situation that seemed pointless as the floors were basically acquiring flotsam from the junk falling off the piled up surfaces. So I took my phone and photographed every surface area that was junked up. Sadly on its last legs (like the cat), my phone managed to make every photo a hazy milky tone. Here's an example:
It does a wonderful job of highlighting the junk, even with the surreal effect.
Surprisingly, as soon as I'd taken the photos, I was resolved to tackle all the surfaces first, and to finish as many as possible today. I remarked that it would be a miracle if I got through them all.
I should have had more faith because as I write this, all 5 areas of the room that were the same and worse than this have been totally cleaned off. The Wrecking Ball soundtrack helped, and it took the entire album to get through it all. I have one tiny nemesis of paperwork and fiddly rubbish in the bottom of the green 'Trofast' drawer in this picture. After finishing this blog, I'll be working on that till bedtime!
I've exceeded my expectations for the day, all by simply breaking down the job into smaller pieces that were not so daunting. There were still hurdles along the way, and plenty of interruptions and breaks. Having the photographs helped to keep me focussed on how I'd progressed, and finishing off one discreet area at a time was terrific motivation to move on to the next area and the next. I even did a lot of bargaining with myself, deciding I was going to stop when I finished the top of the bookcase, and was so inspired by finishing that I kept going and started on the couch, then moved on to everywhere else!
Even the deep freezer had a mountain of stuff piled on it.
Now I'm feeling invincible and ready to have the whole room spick and span tomorrow, ready for its new life as the 'cave'!
We put up these little storage racks in a random spot temporarily as having them in use somewhere was better than all the component parts lying around :) Plus they are now filled with things, mostly all the tiny bits of Lego lying around.
And the most wonderful bonus of the exercise was that I found the first ring hubby ever bought me, it is more sentimental than my wedding and engagement rings and had been missing for over a year!
I haven't set the goals for tomorrow's instalment yet, but I'm sure that making the job smaller with manageable sections will be the backbone of how I get through it!
Friday, April 5, 2013
We Are Alive - Solves a Mid Life Crisis
Bruce Springsteen changed my life as he sang the words, "my body gone stone cold. There were worms crawling inside and out of me. my fingers scratched at an earth black six foot low, and alone in the blackness of my grave".
Those lyrics, and what followed shocked me to the centre of my being. I'm glad that I had never heard any of the Wrecking Ball album before the concert. To hear him sing "We Are Alive" in person for the first time was mind- blowing.
I was prepared for a great song. Silencing the arena, he'd introduced it as being about spirits that are passed on from generation to generation, about listening to the dead. I was ready to be impressed, as I had been by the entire concert. What I wasn't ready for was the transformative experience. Or indeed to hear the words "Worms crawling inside and out of me"!
Which was almost immediately followed by the joyous sensation of being alive, as people begin to call out in response to the words: "I heard voices calling all around me."
Suddenly all my concerns about mortality melted away and I saw how simple it was. Yes, its awful, our physical bodies decay, but our spirits, one way or another live on, continuously through those we love or those whose lives we've touched. So simple.
Gone were the frightening thoughts about my own limited time here with my children, or the very limited time remaining to my elderly and dear relatives. With his stark portrayal of being inside a coffin, already decomposing, Bruce Springsteen chases away the shadowy fears of death and brings the grim reality into the light. The humility of his singing brings us all together, reminding us all that ultimately our final fate is inevitable and shared, though we make the last journey to the grave alone. He shows us what we are afraid to think about, and then soothes with the reassurance that those who have passed are indeed alive in one way or another, not to mention significant in number.
During this song the entire audience are taken on a journey of respect and celebration. Beginning the song with the whole arena in silence, and at times shocked silence, then the catchy upbeat tune lifts spirits, chasing away the fears of mortality, replacing those fears with a huge sense of hope and purpose at being ALIVE.
I left the Brisbane concert feeling lighter than I had in years. Burdens had fallen away from me, replaced with a happiness that spilled over, as well as a sense of purpose to get on with living! I realised that there is no point in feeling alarmed at the too-short years allotted each of us, as the impermanent nature of life cannot be changed, all that we control is the genuine pleasure taken from each new day of living. We Are Alive recognises that the spirit of those who have passed continues on in us, that what we do is a reflection of what has been done before, and will continue past our time. Somehow, not only has he chased away the darkness, but he has laid down an inspirational challenge to be a part of being alive, to be mindful of those who have already left their legacy. After all, if the ghosts can sound so darned rousing "fighting shoulder to shoulder and heart to heart", then those of us who remain alive are capable of rising up as well!
The lyrics are incredible, and my realisation is that this man has answered for me a question I've been too afraid to ask myself; that is: "Whats it all about this temporary thing called life?" It is answered simply, in the words of this song "We Are Alive", "Its only our bodies that betray us in the end". Personally I am quite comforted by the idea that our spirit, one way or another will live on after that ultimate physical betrayal. I'm inspired to get out there and let my spirit shine through today, tomorrow and the day after that!
Those lyrics, and what followed shocked me to the centre of my being. I'm glad that I had never heard any of the Wrecking Ball album before the concert. To hear him sing "We Are Alive" in person for the first time was mind- blowing.
I was prepared for a great song. Silencing the arena, he'd introduced it as being about spirits that are passed on from generation to generation, about listening to the dead. I was ready to be impressed, as I had been by the entire concert. What I wasn't ready for was the transformative experience. Or indeed to hear the words "Worms crawling inside and out of me"!
Which was almost immediately followed by the joyous sensation of being alive, as people begin to call out in response to the words: "I heard voices calling all around me."
Suddenly all my concerns about mortality melted away and I saw how simple it was. Yes, its awful, our physical bodies decay, but our spirits, one way or another live on, continuously through those we love or those whose lives we've touched. So simple.
Gone were the frightening thoughts about my own limited time here with my children, or the very limited time remaining to my elderly and dear relatives. With his stark portrayal of being inside a coffin, already decomposing, Bruce Springsteen chases away the shadowy fears of death and brings the grim reality into the light. The humility of his singing brings us all together, reminding us all that ultimately our final fate is inevitable and shared, though we make the last journey to the grave alone. He shows us what we are afraid to think about, and then soothes with the reassurance that those who have passed are indeed alive in one way or another, not to mention significant in number.
During this song the entire audience are taken on a journey of respect and celebration. Beginning the song with the whole arena in silence, and at times shocked silence, then the catchy upbeat tune lifts spirits, chasing away the fears of mortality, replacing those fears with a huge sense of hope and purpose at being ALIVE.
I left the Brisbane concert feeling lighter than I had in years. Burdens had fallen away from me, replaced with a happiness that spilled over, as well as a sense of purpose to get on with living! I realised that there is no point in feeling alarmed at the too-short years allotted each of us, as the impermanent nature of life cannot be changed, all that we control is the genuine pleasure taken from each new day of living. We Are Alive recognises that the spirit of those who have passed continues on in us, that what we do is a reflection of what has been done before, and will continue past our time. Somehow, not only has he chased away the darkness, but he has laid down an inspirational challenge to be a part of being alive, to be mindful of those who have already left their legacy. After all, if the ghosts can sound so darned rousing "fighting shoulder to shoulder and heart to heart", then those of us who remain alive are capable of rising up as well!
The lyrics are incredible, and my realisation is that this man has answered for me a question I've been too afraid to ask myself; that is: "Whats it all about this temporary thing called life?" It is answered simply, in the words of this song "We Are Alive", "Its only our bodies that betray us in the end". Personally I am quite comforted by the idea that our spirit, one way or another will live on after that ultimate physical betrayal. I'm inspired to get out there and let my spirit shine through today, tomorrow and the day after that!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Keeping it all together
In theory I have a system for keeping it all together. My life that is. And my husband's, our childrens' and my father's lives. Its the calendar function on the iphone and I am still shocked at how well it works - I put EVERYTHING into that little machine now. All appointments, school functions, TV Shows I want to watch, and all the other little and big things.
Today it feels like all I am acomplishing with it is keeping track of the things I can't keep up with! The doctor's appointments I've had to cancel, the day out with my father that isn't going to happen because I can't access all the equipment I need for him, and what feels like a million other things at the moment.
I simply do not know how to keep up with the commitments in my life. Perhaps today I went off the rails a bit sideways with some upsetting phone calls, or maybe I was exhausted after hauling a toddler around a dairy farm yesterday in the Ergo Carrier while keeping track of a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds! I'm not sure.
What I do know is that I need to work harder on routines, especially a morning and evening list, similar to flylady, but one that suits me. I need this quickly, so that the next time my husband decides to use a blade to cut out cardboard squares and slice a tendon, I'm less thrown by the three days of chaos that ensues. He's fine by the way, tendon is healed really well. I'm still unimpressed he was playing around with the crafty stuff for himself instead of playing the 'clean floor game' like I asked him to when I was dragged off to rescue my father who phoned because he was in so much pain and the staff wouldn't / hadn't given him painkillers all day. One thing that I did learn, thanks to a random tune on my phone whilst upset prior to the dairy farm trek is to:
I need to play every morning in the car, as I'm not a fan of school drop-off.
Today it feels like all I am acomplishing with it is keeping track of the things I can't keep up with! The doctor's appointments I've had to cancel, the day out with my father that isn't going to happen because I can't access all the equipment I need for him, and what feels like a million other things at the moment.
I simply do not know how to keep up with the commitments in my life. Perhaps today I went off the rails a bit sideways with some upsetting phone calls, or maybe I was exhausted after hauling a toddler around a dairy farm yesterday in the Ergo Carrier while keeping track of a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds! I'm not sure.
What I do know is that I need to work harder on routines, especially a morning and evening list, similar to flylady, but one that suits me. I need this quickly, so that the next time my husband decides to use a blade to cut out cardboard squares and slice a tendon, I'm less thrown by the three days of chaos that ensues. He's fine by the way, tendon is healed really well. I'm still unimpressed he was playing around with the crafty stuff for himself instead of playing the 'clean floor game' like I asked him to when I was dragged off to rescue my father who phoned because he was in so much pain and the staff wouldn't / hadn't given him painkillers all day. One thing that I did learn, thanks to a random tune on my phone whilst upset prior to the dairy farm trek is to:
I need to play every morning in the car, as I'm not a fan of school drop-off.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Cleaning habits, Challenge week works!
I've come to a realisation about the creation of good habits. Small good habits, or small efforts made repeatedly, lead to a self-regulating habit. Just like this post on "Habit V's Guilt" I am discovering that baby steps do indeed make cleaning progress. Not only do baby steps eventually lead to real changes, but the slow creation of habits over time creep in.
There is something about confidence that makes a contribution here too. The entire theme for this post started out when I happily noticed that the laundry has managed to stay in a state of what I'd call controlled chaos since the great laundry challenge week (updates found here, here and here).
The state of the laundry looks pretty awful at the moment, but the reality is that I'm getting through my 1-2 loads a day from beginning to end and for the most part, everything is where it should be. The same kind of thing is happening in the kitchen. Sure the hard-to-wash-up stuff sometime lingers, and there always seems to be leftover washing up, but its not the same dirty pot sitting here on Thursday that was there last weekend. Its a new pot, replacing the cake tin. I think when I am more confident, and my habits are even better, I can raise the expectation that no dirty dishes will be there from one day to the next.
I think I'm getting all my concepts mushed up in a mess here, but what I'm figuring out is that by giving myself permission not to be perfect in my habits, while simultaneously keeping up some confidence that I'll get these things done, I'm managing to keep on top of some routines.
All I need to do now is keep up with the decluttering and slowly add in more routine cleaning. Seems so simple but I suspect it will be a slow road.
Something also seems to be brewing in the wider family as this evening my husband has swept the floor without any prompting.
There is something about confidence that makes a contribution here too. The entire theme for this post started out when I happily noticed that the laundry has managed to stay in a state of what I'd call controlled chaos since the great laundry challenge week (updates found here, here and here).
The state of the laundry looks pretty awful at the moment, but the reality is that I'm getting through my 1-2 loads a day from beginning to end and for the most part, everything is where it should be. The same kind of thing is happening in the kitchen. Sure the hard-to-wash-up stuff sometime lingers, and there always seems to be leftover washing up, but its not the same dirty pot sitting here on Thursday that was there last weekend. Its a new pot, replacing the cake tin. I think when I am more confident, and my habits are even better, I can raise the expectation that no dirty dishes will be there from one day to the next.
I think I'm getting all my concepts mushed up in a mess here, but what I'm figuring out is that by giving myself permission not to be perfect in my habits, while simultaneously keeping up some confidence that I'll get these things done, I'm managing to keep on top of some routines.
All I need to do now is keep up with the decluttering and slowly add in more routine cleaning. Seems so simple but I suspect it will be a slow road.
Something also seems to be brewing in the wider family as this evening my husband has swept the floor without any prompting.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Motivation to Clean - its out there!
The list is here! My top 7 motivators to get up and get cleaning! For me personally the overall motivation is to live in a clean, tidy environment. However finding the daily motivation to make sure that happens is another matter entirely.
Here are some of the best tips I've found so far:
1. Invite someone over! Now I've spent some time adjusting my attitude that I want my house clean for ME, not for visitors. That still doesn't stop me from cleaning more when I know someone is coming. And while that in grained habit exists, keeping a regular stream of visitors through your house can be a terrific motivator.
2. I also found this article about dust mites disturbing enough to prompt the motivation up a gear.
3. Visit someone with a clean house! I will admit that jealousy of someone else's clean domain really gets me going in terms of motivation to do the best with what I have!
4. Get some alone time with your mess. I find that one of the biggest motivators for me is having the time when I'm not going to be interrupted by a toddler to really get into the swing of cleaning up.
5. Finish something. Anything. It could be the washing up, or it could be something like posting a letter that you just haven't gotten around to doing. Whatever it is doesn't matter, as long as you finish one thing. It is inspiration to keep going.
6. Set a timer and just start with a de-junking / rubbish collection / 27-fling Boogie and throw out as much rubbish and recycling as you can. If that doesn't motivate you to keep going, well at least you've done 15 minutes of cleaning already! Fill up your bin!
7. Get dressed up - Right now, when you're attempting to get motivated, start out by getting dressed up - whatever that means to you, whether it is Flylady's lace up shoes or your own personal 'ready' look. Mine is hair and teeth, I discovered here.
And if you are so stuck, that you can't face any of these tips, feeling overwhelmed, then try my magic 4 - have a glass of water, do some exercise, take a long view (how much does it matter right now?) and get started, anywhere. Do not panic.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Progress made!
Given that I spent some time in the entry this week, I decided to stay there, and aim for some cleaning that went deeper than the surface of things. And I discovered, once I emptied out the shelves, that I own an incredible amount of jigsaw puzzles!
After the photograph and the amazement of the tower of puzzles that I have, it was time to sort. I found the early parts of sorting easiest, and after making a dozen decisions or so, it got harder and more and more puzzles ended up on the 'maybe' pile.
My puzzle sorting doesn't fit in with most 'organiser' recommendations. Its unique to me and my puzzle scenario.
First were puzzles I'd finished, and had no attachment to. The 'get rid of' pile.
Then the puzzles that I either hadn't done or thought I might like to do again. A subset of this was the 2000 plus pieces and the less than 750 pieces groups separated out.
Last were the puzzles I knew I absolutely wanted to keep. There were about 6 of these from that whole tower. Scenes I like, special memories, particularly fun ones.
Now I am pretty overwhelmed at the responsibility of taking ACTION! Very grown up this sorting and deciding business. While getting children to bed, I remembered a recent article about the way cluttered people make decisions, and its true! I felt very uncomfortable making snap decisions after the first few. Towards the end, all the decisions I made had very little connection to how I felt about the puzzle, and a hell of a lot to do with how uncomfortable I felt.
Bearing all this in mind, what I plan to do is to start doing puzzles, and see if in 3 months, or 6 months I still have the same attachment to the 'maybe' puzzles. After the time passes it might seem pointless to keep them for the 'one day' when children are bigger.
In the meantime I've made offers to loan them out to friends, and I've chosen a better home for the ones I'm keeping - instead of in what was the conveniently new and empty hutch in the entry, they'll be making their way upstairs to the toy /craft area and stored in a large cupboard up there that needs a good cleanout but is otherwise unused.
After the photograph and the amazement of the tower of puzzles that I have, it was time to sort. I found the early parts of sorting easiest, and after making a dozen decisions or so, it got harder and more and more puzzles ended up on the 'maybe' pile.
My puzzle sorting doesn't fit in with most 'organiser' recommendations. Its unique to me and my puzzle scenario.
First were puzzles I'd finished, and had no attachment to. The 'get rid of' pile.
Then the puzzles that I either hadn't done or thought I might like to do again. A subset of this was the 2000 plus pieces and the less than 750 pieces groups separated out.
Last were the puzzles I knew I absolutely wanted to keep. There were about 6 of these from that whole tower. Scenes I like, special memories, particularly fun ones.
Now I am pretty overwhelmed at the responsibility of taking ACTION! Very grown up this sorting and deciding business. While getting children to bed, I remembered a recent article about the way cluttered people make decisions, and its true! I felt very uncomfortable making snap decisions after the first few. Towards the end, all the decisions I made had very little connection to how I felt about the puzzle, and a hell of a lot to do with how uncomfortable I felt.
Bearing all this in mind, what I plan to do is to start doing puzzles, and see if in 3 months, or 6 months I still have the same attachment to the 'maybe' puzzles. After the time passes it might seem pointless to keep them for the 'one day' when children are bigger.
In the meantime I've made offers to loan them out to friends, and I've chosen a better home for the ones I'm keeping - instead of in what was the conveniently new and empty hutch in the entry, they'll be making their way upstairs to the toy /craft area and stored in a large cupboard up there that needs a good cleanout but is otherwise unused.
Ooops! Wayward Energy Bomb!
Yep, thats the energy bomb hitting town. It seems my 'daily 30 minute cleanup' has come unstuck on some very basic issues of stress and illness management. Apparently I find this whole cleaning at night thing far too stimulating!
So far my evenings have been:Day 1 - successfully tipping out stuff and cleaning up plenty.
Day 2 - wiped out with pain and brain feeling too overwhelmed to do anything
Day 3 - bit more energy, a catch-up clean during the morning and now
Day 4 - evening after children asleep I'm just so grateful to have time in peace and quiet and again pained and feeling overwhelmed.
It is very clear that the IDEA of cleaning up every night is extremely inspiring. Not only do I get a 30 minute clean done, but during the day it seems more is tackled. It is building my awareness and also a sense of being capable of tackling boxes hiding in not-so-out-of-the-way corners! Today my husband and I went through an Ikea box together and put away everything that wasn't rubbish. Half the box went in the bin! There is more to this energy bombing than meets the eye. Am I simply getting afraid of succeeding when I tackle the daily cleanup? or too excited at the wrong time of day for helping me sleep? I think personally that I am finding the successful cleanups a little daunting, as it makes the possibility of clutter-free that little bit more real, so more important. But the time limit of doing it in the evening is very counter-intuitive for me. I have an auto-immune disease. Its never a good idea to do things that will disrupt a soothing night time. The National Sleep Foundation suggests to
•Spend some time "winding down." A person with insomnia needs a "buffer zone," a period of time to allow the activating processes in the brain to wind down to allow the alerting mechanisms to decrease their activity so that the sleep systems can take over. I suggest that you start winding down two hours before bedtime. Stop all work and end phone calls to family and friends, as often they are activating.None of which I was achieving by doing any kind of cleaning "before bed". So the plan is to continue the 30 minute 'tidy up' challenge, but with the proviso that it needn't be at any particular point in the day, as long as the intention is similar to the 'end of day' concept, of tidying and neatening all around the house. Without causing me sleepless nights!
Friday, February 15, 2013
When Things break whats really important?
Some days it all just goes to hell in a handbasket, doesn't it? Today is one of those days. I've drunk the water, done some cleaning, done my level best to remain civil to those I love. And it still just feels like a horrid day. Perhaps thinking about money, work, trying new things, and my 40th birthday all at once was brain overload?!! First world problems. Blog will resume with some tidbit of knowledge and learning from the day if some's to be had.
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And that's it! When all else fails, remember love. Today I cuddled my children, apologised to my husband and read the little ones 3 or 4 picture books. Job done today!
 | Women Of History (@WomenOfHistory) |
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Never let a problem to be solved become more importantly than a person to be loved. -Barbra Johnson
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And that's it! When all else fails, remember love. Today I cuddled my children, apologised to my husband and read the little ones 3 or 4 picture books. Job done today!
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