international women's day

I spent international women's day mostly contemplating domesticity - how I spend much of every day!  Interestingly this year I also spent the evening driving to Brisbane to see Jake Clemons with my good friend. While I was there, enjoying Jake's soulful performance I was still contemplating things on the home front. Jake's music leads itself to such introspection as he pauses during one song to remind us that the answers are inside of ourselves.

One of the hardest lessons that I am still struggling with is that you cannot change others, always the only changes you can make are within you.

So on international women's day, what is it that I want to change in myself that will improve things for myself and my daughters?

Typing while waiting for my child at school in a rare moment of "spare" time I am struck by how many things I juggle at the moment - and how likely it is that  many women experience similar levels of "juggling all the things"  at least the soundtrack right now is relaxing "I come from the Land Down Under" that the children are dancing to. 

Of all the roles I have at the moment the one I have resolved to improve on international women's day is that of wife. I've been concentrating on being a daughter and a mother for so many years that being a wife has taken a backseat.

Given that I'm juggling a gazillion things right now with family and household madness, my resolution is simple, despite finding a plethora of well-meaning advice of the subject of relationships.  I resolve to simply remember how much my husband devoted his time to supporting my Dad in the past few years. When my Dad needed an ambulance, he would call, when he needed an urgent doctor's script, he would arrange it. When Dad needed someone to stay with him overnight to make sure his oxygen stayed on while recovering from pneumonia, he would stay with him. He helped my Dad with all aspects of living, and was so deeply involved in his daily care.

So my IWD resolution this year is to remember the kindnesses that my husband gave my Dad.  I'll be remembering it when I disagree with his parenting, when I am picking up his clothes off the floor, when I am cranky that he 'forgot' to do a chore I asked him to help with, or when he's been home all day and not done the washing up.  I'll make my decisions from a place of love, not a place of fear.

I don't feel 'feminist' about this resolution, but I do feel very 'humanist'; that teaching girls to be strong is more about openly communicating about the challenges faced as a woman than demanding things from an individual than they may not be willing or capable of giving.  

What gets me through

So life is a lot different now. In so many many ways. Some of which I discussed in my last post. Many of which I haven't yet even identified, Dad was such an integral part of who I am, and certainly who I became in the last two years.

We had a terrible thing happen to one of our children three weeks after Dad's death. That taught me the humility of being in shock, and the formidable-ness of being a parent, protecting and empowering my child whilst falling apart myself.  It also gave me reason to be grateful for the kind souls who have helped me through those weeks since.

people who help
In this instance, as with other moments of extreme need, it has been a few reliable dear friends, and some very considerate far-away friends, and even near-strangers who have made an effort to reach out to me in my need. Thank you, beautiful women.

giving the problem to a higher power
I've also had opportunity to really consider what it means to give away the problems to a higher power. I never considered that 'higher power' could be metaphorically simply 'giving away' the problem to my GP for instance. However on Sunday, that is exactly what happened. I informed my GP that since my child's traumatic event I was not coping so well, and no sooner had that problem been passed to him, and I felt better. I don't think this would be everyone's recipe for 'higher power' as not everyone has a GP they've known since they were 12, with the integrity and practicality of mine!   However on the subject of higher powers, I realise too, that in a sense, I would actually take my life and its problems to my Dad on a regular basis. I never troubled Dad with commentary on my challenges, but rather in our quiet silences, or in our contemplation of the deep red Azaleas in the garden I believe I was in the habit of quietly unpacking and dumping my problems out, in some of of ritual of my own, involving an appreciation of the perspective that if Dad could cope under the terrible conditions of a nursing home and be pleased about anything at all, then my whole life and its problems couldn't possibly be insurmountable. (even if they were!)

savouring the positive moments
Today I was really struggling at one point. Then I really looked at what I had. My two happy children frolicking in the pool in dappled sunlight, a perfect summer's day.  And I thought on that and felt grateful for that until I truly did feel blessed to witness such calm, unfettered peace.  I need to continue to take the time to appreciate everything I can.

routines are my friend
I am sticking with existing routines and making new ones! I'm still doing Tai Chi and now I've discovered that a weekly trip to the movies does wonders that I can't live without at the moment.

feeling the 'Dadness'
One of the things that really helped me to feel that blessed sense of happiness was that I made myself see the picture with Dad's eyes. He would have laughed and been delighted at the kids playing, and he would have said to me "Don't worry about all that other nonsense, you'll be all right" I'm blessed to have the opportunity to learn from him, even after he has passed.

feeling the pain
It is easy to try to 'cope' to push aside indignity and pain. Sometimes it is necessary for getting by. But feeling the pain and hurt and sorrow is also vital to being a whole person. Today after an extremely confronting correspondence from my child's school I was brought to tears during a business phone call. And I owned it, that was my pain and sorrow and it wasn't going to be held in at that point, because it was part of who I am. There are some times when crying might not be a great idea, but also sometimes when it is ok to cry regardless of the circumstances.

change my thinking not solving the problem
I read this in a meme today. It absolutely sums up all of the above and more. It is only by perceiving things differently that I will get through this period in my life in a way that leaves me healthier than coming into it. 

Be kind and loving. (a reminder for myself and an idea to contemplate)

7 of the Ways my Dad improved my life

As usual, I have only a limited amount of time to write this blog. Today I have been particularly mindful of the many myriad of ways that through his illness and final years, my father had an incredible influence on my life.  

I have been really struggling since his death and needed to write this list in order to begin a journey of regrouping my strengths. At the moment I'm suffering a loss that belies the frail old man who was dependent on others.  These are seven of the reasons why my loss is so great, just some of the ways he improved my life:

1. Gratitude - witnessing Dad living in a nursing home, reliant on the courtesy (or lack of it) from other people, relying on their gentleness (or lack thereof), and dependent on them wholly due to his dementia in ways that we can only be horrified at was exhausting emotionally. In order to cope with the sadness of bearing witness to the circumstances it was absolutely necessary to become grateful. Grateful every day that I could help him, give him dignity or something to look forward to; grateful for every day that a 'good' carer was on that he was receiving better treatment that day; grateful that the 'bad' staff were only on for a shift and then would be gone again. Gratitude improves longevity, so learning the lesson of daily gratitude through Dad was incredible.   

2. Acceptance - As Dad declined in health both mentally and physically, he never ever lost his will to live or his enjoyment of what life he had left in him.  As each new indignity of ageing took over his daily life, he accepted it with grace (mostly) and continued to turn instead towards that which made him happy. He lived for his grandchildren's visits, for my visits, to see the sunshine and flowers, and to kiss the hand of his caring staff. He lived for sausages, and other enjoyed foods, and for the smile of a warm person. He taught me that life is about flowers and family and if you can't have either, just find something and enjoy whatever you can. Bless him for that incredible lifelong lesson I hope to pass along to my children.

3. Strength of mind - nothing creates a need for strength of mind like having to find a way to overcome the gulf between wishing to provide total assistance and dignified care to your loved one, and the reality of there being very little you can actually control.  Dad's situation taught me to create my own boundaries around my expectations and actions. He taught me that if I could only help him once a week, that was better than not helping.  Acceptance is a key part of having the strength of mind to decisively think positive instead of despairing, I had to learn to accept that what I did had to be enough simply by telling myself that it was.

4. Boundaries - When someone is in a nursing home or hospital, they are in 'their' world, swallowed up within the systems and rules created by those large institutions.  Learning to navigate the systems first step was to follow the unwritten rules and boundaries. I now know how to look for these in so many areas of life.

5. Communication - Dad's illness taught me so much about humanity. How to get onto his level and communicate with him, as well as how to negotiate and advocate for him. I had plenty of help from some of the kind people in the system, but without Dad I would never have persevered with learning so much about communication, how to find one key point and focus on that, how to not bombard people with everything you want to say, so many things.

6. Patience - waiting for a doctor for 3 hours is a very effective way to build up a head of steam, however it doesn't help anything. Likewise if a nurse isn't coming to a buzzer call fast enough. It helps to simply apply patience to them and get on with something else while you wait.  In the case of more than one buzzer call I simply got on with fixing the problem as best I could myself, knowing they'd turn up eventually. 

7. Determination - of the quiet kind.  Dad simply didn't give up on walking, regardless of who gave up on him. If people unthinkingly were stupid enough to place him in a position from where walking proved impossible, he would simply get around by any other means he could muster, most of which were so ingenious that carers simply didn't believe his determination or intention. Many people under estimated my father, sadly to his detriment, however the determination he showed, right up until the end of his days will stay with me forever.  

Thank you Dad for all you did for me, perhaps without knowing it. I believe though that you did know, and I hope you know how grateful I am for your amazing gifts. Without a father like you, determined and unwavering in your last years I would be poorer for the lack of experience.  Love you Dad. 

An open letter to the medical team treating my father

Dear Doctors

I wish to explain to you my position on my father's treatment while in hospital (and out of hospital for that matter).

Last night, Dad held out his arm, covered in little white dots from blood tests, and made some noises that sounded like he was trying to get a sentence out. I asked him to repeat himself. I couldn't believe what I heard! "Did you just say to me "I've got bad veins"?" I asked him.  He grinned at me with a twinkle in his eye!  Dad was making a joke about his situation, less than 24 hours after waking up from an unconscious state that had lasted 8 days.

My father has dementia. I don't care what 'category' of severity that you wish to classify it as, because your classifications mean nothing to my father, or to us, his family. What means something to us is that he contributes to our life in a positive way, despite the obvious challenges he presents in extra responsibilities. 

Even now, Dad is contributing to the world. In the last week he is teaching me - to never ever give up; to defy those in authority or who think they know better than you what you know to be your own truth. He has taught me during the past two years that there is ALWAYS something to appreciate.  He has inspired his nephew in Melbourne through his tenacity and determination.

My children when faced with his potential death, remember him still as the Grandad who loves them unconditionally, without judgement, and who continued to play with them, even as recently as playing ball early this year.

It is important to remember that he has had many opportunities to leave us through sickness and he chooses not to do so, coming back from the brink through sheer willpower alone.

I have had time to reflect on your suggestion that my father ought to not be treated for any new infections.  I contest that you are mistaken in this assertion.  Australia is a first world country. One of the markers of the wealth of this nation is that we are able to provide health care for our sick, ailing and elderly.  All of them. There should be no judgmental decisions made based on Dad's disease or what your own morality insists about who is worthy. The morality that is relevant here is that of Dad, and of us, his family.  You may be a doctor, but you are not my family's moral compass, nor is that your role. The truth is, that in a poorer country, with limited health resources, a decision about who is most deserving would be relevant, however we are not in that situation. If there is a fiscal problem with supply of medicine on the Sunshine Coast in 2014 then it is politicians we need to pressure, not the family of an elderly man who is determined to live.

Perhaps Dad can provide an important lesson to your young student doctors about the dangers of making assumptions about someone else's quality of life. As an elderly friend pointed out to me last night, there are fit young people in the world with better physical and mental abilities than Dad whose quality of life would be considered poorly, yet those people are not judged when being considered for treatment.  Why should you make this judgement when we are supposed to be a wealthy country?

So it is with delight at the tenacity of a single human being with great lessons still to impart to his family, that I request that you don't just pay lip service to the concept of treatment for my Dad, but you give him the full benefit of medical assistance, including fully discussing with us his necessary nutritional requirements, not just glucose which is making a pretense at assistance, but fully and openly discuss the path to improving Dad's health.  Let's leave the 'will he or won't he survive?' discussion aside, and give him the opportunity to make that decision for himself, with the best possible care from your team to support him.

Inflammation and Disease

Hello
I'm going through a bit of a lowish point at the moment, just feeling generally not quite right. Which somehow led me to reading an interesting article about depression as a symptom of inflammatory disease. The findings were varied but all pointed to increased rate of depression in people who had a high level of a chemical related to chronic inflammation.

I have chronic auto-immune disease. In the recent past I have fought it with a multi-faceted approach including exercise, tai chi, diet, being reflective and grateful. When I can muster those elements things are very good. In the meantime, there are moments like now when the article's findings hit home hard and are, quite frankly, depressing.

Here's the article.

Thank you E Street Band!

This year, almost as soon as Bruce and the E Street band packed their bags and departed our beaches, the world changed for me.

When I saw Bruce Springsteen in 2013, something changed in a massively positive and awesome way for me.  Then, somehow at the end of February this year, having taken an epic 4 week and 9 concert holiday around 5 states of this beautiful land, life just started nosediving.

The theory I like the most is twofold. One, after sooo much Bruce and E Street Band, I felt invincible and instead of taking on only a single thing (my health / weight / fitness), I started tackling ALL THE THINGS. I was like  the blogger who decides to be an adult and CLEAN ALL THE THINGS.  It was taxing. I collapsed under the strain a little bit. This combined with the fact that travelling if not 'with' a huge group of people outside of my normal 'bubble' was a bit of a rude shock. Travelling in such proximity to such a large group for such a long time, certainly threw me for a six on a number of occasions. I was spent before leaving, the tour was to recharge my batteries (which it did), but I found it difficult to take on a whole new group of strangers, I just didn't have the emotional gusto at that time.

And thus, life post tour has been quite odd. Weeks go by when I don't feel any of the empowering inspiration that lingered for so much longer post-2013 concerts. There are days when it all feels like a dream.  

And then there are precious moments like today, when putting my son to bed, when my phone is out of batteries (no Bruce setlist!) and he says to me "But Dad's phone has Dream Baby Dream!" and then "Doesn't Dad have Wrecking Ball?" The cute, it burns.  He fell asleep listening to Cadillac Ranch from a youtube clip of Sydney in the end :)

Which reminded me of just how grateful I am for the E Street Band, so I'm writing this thank you for them.

This was my view of the concert in Adelaide with my beautiful daughter, and delightful friend. We had the most amazing time!

To Eddie, thank you for the down to earth facebook posts, and your sense of humour. Thank you for thanking us in Perth.  Perth was so special for me, I met some wonderful people and you played such a big part in making it all feel lovely.  It was in hindsight quite funny to see you in Sydney, well, to barrel past you with my crazy loud family and not recognise you, not that I could think at all clearly at that point, a common state when running after 3 energetic kids. Next time, please jump in front of me and say "boo!"; I'll keep a lookout for men without saxophones leaping out from behind their beautiful wives. You continue to be an inspiration to me, your posts remind me that hard work is what achieves goals, what keeps us where we want to be in life, my thanks. I am glad that you have visited and enjoyed my country.

To Charlie, thank you for the winks and smiles in Perth, what fun! It makes such a difference to know that we're all having fun together :)

To Soozie, thank you for playing the Violin. You inspire my daughter whenever she sees you onstage.  Thank you for being friendly, for smiling, for not looking crossly in my direction when my poor tired, overheated daughter (same one who cheerfully survived 43 degree heat and insisted on staying up till 12:30 to see Bruce leave in Adelaide, who begged to be allowed to come to Brisbane too!) looked miserable and wilted. Thank you for smiling, not frowning!

Max, thank you for being the incredible backbone of the band. Last year you blew me away and I spent hours watching you mesmerised by the way you work your magic.  And I have a new respect and appreciation for drums, everywhere. You've opened up a whole new way of listening to music for me.

Stevie Van Zandt, thank you for being you. I was only on your side of the stage a few times, but your energy and cheekiness is amazing and so much fun. Thank you most of all for standing with Bruce and singing to my daughter. Thank you for waving to us in Sydney when we were way up behind you.  And thank you for Lillehammer! I have not yet watched it,and look forward to the chance to watch it all!

Roy, you legend. Thank you for every note played, including the ones played with Bruce's head. Thank you so much for the beautiful music.

Everett, thank you for those incredible drum-offs :)

Michelle, Cindy & Curtis oh my thank you for the fun! My girl and I thoroughly enjoyed waving to you during the Sydney show and she loved seeing how you work together at the back of the stage to give us such a wonderful night of music. The waves and smiles made her feel so special, thank you xxxx

Barry, Clark & Curt I love it when you all get to the front of the stage, your sense of fun is infectious, thank you!

Garry, you are such a dark horse hiding quietly behind your bass. Thank you for the moments when your smile lights up the room. 

Nils, like Eddie, you have been and continue to be, such an influence on me as a person. Musically I'm challenged, but your happy outlook, and the incredible vibe from you in 2013 especially made a huge impact on my outlook. Your accessibility to fans as people is incredible. You made me feel welcome on twitter, for which I thank you. I have enjoyed immensely learning from your example on stage and off, and wow, I love watching you play Because the Night. Thank you!

Jake, I have not sufficient words. I came to see the E Street Band for the first time with you already filling those big shoes. I think that not only do you do an amazing job, but you bring a young energy with you. Blessings and thanks!

And Tom, again, for me you are a part of the E Street Band as I know it.  But what a new and exciting influence on amazing.  I love to watch you, the juxaposition of your energy and personal styles with some of not-quite-so-Tom songs! Your face is a picture!  Thank you for standing up for those who need a voice! Thank you for the hours of fun in Perth particularly, your smile is infectious. Thank for for your contribution to The Ghost of Tom Joad, which now makes me cry. 

Bruce Springsteen, thank you for singing to my daughter, so very much. It means so much to her and made my night to see her shine with happiness both in Adelaide and Sydney. Thank you for meeting her, and for the hindsight-object-lesson-in-parenting that sometimes Mums just need to shut up and listen!  That one is going to be a challenge for me.  Thank you for the challenges! Since seeing you in concert for the first time in 2013, my life has changed. You are this person who opened the door into your soul in a concert and who in doing so exposed my own inner self. The magic has rubbed off a little differently this year, but I'm sure it is still there, no excuses to be so sick, no excuses not to exercise, no excuses for not being the best of me in this life. All that matters in the end are our family, our health and the little piece of us we pass along to others through our actions. Have a good time in this life right now, because it is the only one we have! Thank for, and the whole E Street Band for that lesson.

Most of all thank you for the chance to share this experience with my daughter, we have the happiest memories together!  Be warned, next tour my son insists he is coming along too!

Why I wish I hadn't done Bruce in Brisbane

I've reached a certain point now, where at this very moment, I simply wish I had not attended the Brisbane concert at all. Would I be jealous of those who had? Probably yes, especially as almost all the people I know raved about it. However the concert they experienced, was not the same one I attended. For me, the Brisbane concert was the one that quite simply, went wrong. It summed up all that was crappy and shit on the tour of Australia, and did nothing at all to uplift me as every other Springsteen concert has done. 

My reasons why are:

1. Poor queue preparation / outcomes / moods
I really don't think I have the mindset required to enjoy queuing. I hate waiting for one thing. I also hate wasting time, and tension. Queues are filled with all of that and more.  But the Brisbane queue was especially crap, as one of my friends arrived first, then told other people, then they said 'just go home till tomorrow' and then the 2nd group of people turned up, apparently took over number 1&2 spot from 2 other people and then eventually because I was parked in my car with nothing else to do for the afternoon I ended up getting number 9 & 10 spot with my daughter. This soon turned into 7 & 8 when two people dropped out. This should have made us happy, but because of the tension (I assume from the above confusion between everyone with a higher number than us) it just made me uncomfortable. I was alone with my girl with a very good number but with no immediate prospect of being near any friendly faces who would assist me in ensuring my girl's safety in the pit.  I didn't really want to have such low numbers with her, without also having along another adult beside us who was as committed to safety as I was.  This tension stayed with me for the 3 days of queuing. 

2. My beautiful daughter. 
Who convinced me to do just one more show.  I do not regret taking her, not a bit, but there were many moments when I questioned my decisions & hers.  We had a pact that because she was going to be at the front, no sooking or getting tired (she had managed 2 concerts already in fine form so I didn't foresee how this could happen!) What I didn't think ahead to was what I would do if she couldn't keep her side of the bargain (nobody is perfect!) I should have had a plan B!!!! So what went wrong?  Quite a bit. Because we now had tour shirts post-Sydney, and the ladies in the Brisvegas Bruce house were dressing up, she wanted to join into that fun. Great, except that her previous concert attire was far more suited to long hours standing in a sweat box! She went from very cool loose summer clothes to leggings and a hot Born in the USA T-Shirt in the hope of getting onstage for Sunny Day, the song Bruce always sings with a child from the audience. We also ended up in a group of people who did not approve of her presence in the audience, and were not afraid to say so. We were blessed by one lovely lady who stood her ground behind my daughter and protected her from the worst shoving crowd I've experienced at Springsteen (another thing that went wrong with having brought her along to this particular concert) But there's more. The heat. It was worse than Adelaide, which was bad enough that a woman fainted with heatstroke beside us. So much hotter. And my 9 year old was wearing her hot leggings and t-shirt. So she really wasn't having fun. And it showed to everyone that she was melting, although I was slow to catch on, and only realised towards the end of the encores that she really was feeling the heat, and not just hating the music.  Which is the final disaster in her experience (well almost). So the Wild, The Innocent and the E Street Shuffle did not appeal to her. She wanted the Rock n Roll Bruce show. Hunter Valley 1 would have been right up her alleyway. Brisbane was not. How much of this was affected by the loud shouting directly at her that "she shouldn't even be here anyway" during the opening song I don't know.

I feel better for having vented. There are other, small things that upset me about Brisbane. Some not so small. Despite all this negative writing, I am from this point on going to always focus on the positives I can take out of the experience of the show. These were:

1. Seeing my friend's eyes light up at hearing the sound check played, and not long later at hearing her favourite song "Does this Bus Stop at 82nd Street?"

2. Seeing a lovely young woman in happy tears on her Birthday after meeting Bruce and speaking with him after the concert. 

3. Seeing Gary Tallent with a Tuba  (that's a poor picture of it there! But so funny :)




















4. Remembering all the good times I'd had through the whole tour, and the people who made the experience so special. 

And now I'm done. I can look back on this and laugh, as Garfield has said in cartoons past about terrible mishaps.  

This entire post was inspired by reading 7 Ways to Let go of Insults from an A*Hole 

Sliding Backwards - weight gain and forgetting the 'no excuses' concept

I've gone from a record low weight to an incredibly high weight, coming almost full circle in the 11 months between Springsteen tours.

This led me to google 'backsliding' - which I never knew was mostly used in relation to Christianity and religion!  However some careful google tweaking and I discovered this wonderful insightful article about weight loss.

The Fat Lady Ain't Sung Yet in which Whitney points out the following truism:

"Baby steps.

Forever and ever and ever… baby steps."

I love the insight in this. When things are going well, it is easy to kid yourself that the journey to no-excuses better health will be a one-way trip to forever losing weight until the magical moment that it is 'perfect'. Reality is that there are always things to learn, and if you don't learn them, then the process might be a bit more topsy-turvy. In fact even if you're a fast learner, circumstances can squish in and sideline you with no warning.  So baby steps.

I know that for me, since the second Springsteen tour, I have been focussing on big life changes, the ones that I didn't tackle last year, because last year I was focussing solely on weight loss, exercise and fitness.  It is so much easier to increase exercise, and much harder to permanently change eating habits for an entire family (or even one person within the family). Last year's efforts were child's play. This year asks so much more of me in terms of organisation, willpower and action.  Going for a walk or exercising is as easy as walking out the front door.  Food on the other hand doesn't just appear in the fridge!

The other thing that happened is that I lost my 'network' of fitness friends, and therefore no-one noticed when I stopped exercising, or talking about the healthy food choices I was making. So I've re-established a connection to the four main exercising / food friends I have and we are keeping an eye on each other. I'm posting updates in my "Get Fit for Bruce" Facebook group.  Keeping that social aspect alive will help safeguard me from future weight gains.

And finally, my habits that create a healthy, organised me.  Blogging, gratitude and keep records through RunKeeper and MyFitnessPal.  Of these, only gratitude survived the great weight gain. If I had to keep only one I'm glad it was gratitude, however now is the time to reinstate my previous habits and keep connected with the world in a reflective way, so I remind myself to always be mindful.  No-one else is ever going to be as mindful of my body and my health as I am.

Such an important lesson in taking good care of ones-self.

Chocolate topping and hindsight

Wow, revisiting my most popular post to date... and discovering it was written at what was a very high point in terms of focus.  So much has changed since then, particularly in the 2 months since Bruce and the E Street Band left the country....

Here's the original post:

Thursday, July 11, 2013Negativity - cured by an Attitude of Gratitude!
Sometimes, despite the best intentions, life fills up with it. Negativity. Maybe that's just *my* life, I don't know. I'm only living mine, so I've got no way to know if its me in particular.
Right now for instance, despite being extremely grateful earlier, and looking on the bright side, I find myself not only frustrated, but angry.
Because I'm fed up with blogging and still managing to get lost and feel like I'm making no progress, I'm going to go over the gratitude exercise again.
Tonight I'm grateful for the nap I had earlier, it was pleasant. I'm grateful for my Brucebud, Maggie, who understands.  I'm grateful for the time to write birthday invitations, and that I can let go of the perfectionist in me and make do with what I have designed. I'm grateful to the phone repairer who fixed my broken phone. I'm grateful to Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band for the inspiration to move, to make no excuses and to get out there and be fit. I've lost 13 kgs and that will never come back, because I'll never make excuses for myself like that again.  I might even get within 5kgs of my goal weight for my birthday of 80kgs! 
I'm grateful for just now remembering to drink water, as it will help make tomorrow a better day. I'm grateful to music, that I'm just about to listen to, while I drink some water, and marvel at how easy it is to turn around a very bad mood and attitude into a relatively pleasant mood and very good attitude.
It seems it is impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. It seems that when your heart and mind is filled with gratitude, those things and people who make you mad don't matter one zot. 
Which is fine by me!Posted by Kat Smith at 1:39 AM 

I am interested to see that even though at the time I felt thwarted, I can see with hindsight that the feeling was perhaps just the hunger for doing more, doing better that was lighting the fire keeping me going, always losing weight, always eating better, sticking to my goals. Or perhaps it was indeed when things started to unravel for me, as I remember feeling a sense of stagnation that started in July last year.

Despite backsliding with the weight loss considerably, the interesting thing is that now I am beginning to tackle some of my life's bigger problems and big decisions. We've left the too-expensive private school, I've moved Dad into a care home closer to where I live, huge life changes are going on.  Having gained 5 kg in this time is a big deal, but perhaps merely a side effect of my not yet having learnt to juggle significant upheaval in my new routine.  When I reflect on my past efforts at fitness, I do tend to achieve a measure of what should be (according to experts) life time habit and increased fitness....and then maintaining or improving further on that is where I come unstuck. I have done this many times in the past, in many different life situations....so for me the trick is going to be keeping that fire lit under my arse that says "get moving" through all kinds of different circumstances.  Certainly the neck injury in November wiped out my walking, however now I have recurrent pain from that without walking, so I might as well keep up the walking and at least get the exercise and endorphins from doing the beneficial things!

Or as Dory would say:

Swimming in my case involves blogging, being grateful, exercising and eating sensibly. Pretty much everything else at the moment is chocolate topping. I have perhaps spent too much time in chocolate topping. There was some gratifying parts to that experience (the chocolate topping of doing 'all the other things' like the Bruce tour, moving Dad, etc) however overall it has made me feel kind of fat and sticky!

Gathering Energy

Sometimes it takes energy just to function

Wow! Working 3 days a week 100 kms away is taking up a lot of energy.

Right now, with the holiday getting closer, I’m all about conserving energy. Not that it is working, but that is the theory.

The reality is somewhat different, it is about coping with all the people around me not coping. My hubby is now the full time household carer and he quite frankly, sucks at the job. If today is anything to go by, my children must be bored out of their little minds with him at the helm.

But enough ranting, I have about 5 minutes before I fall asleep, I want to share that I have started 21 days to Bruce exercise plan and I’m on day 2 of that. I’m actually 2 kgs lighter than I was at Christmas, so that is a bonus. If you are interested in joining me on my 20 day plan, go find 'Get Fit for Bruce' on Facebook. I don't have any suggestions for others, everyone needs their own goals, I am happy to share mine as I go.

Really I’m pretty much at the edge of reason right now, just coping. There are more bills than income, the holiday we can’t afford, and desperately need. Other stuff just keeps happening.

Anyone familiar with this?

My coping strategies are:

1. Single task - just one thing at a time.

2. Use a diary. Like when you can remember to. Don't sweat it, important stuff will sneak up on you, or it will be in the diary. One of those things will happen.

3. Exercise - Especially as Bruce is getting closer - I'm exercising daily now, even if only a little.

4. Be grateful. I find myself getting worked up about the insanity of life. Gratitude and writing down the things that I am grateful for is an amazing antidote to the crazy. 

5. Count the days - this strategy also seems to cause a bit of stress, as there is so much yet to do. But it is fun to look forward to things. While I'm counting I listen to Bruce. Enjoy the Bruce is probably what I really do in this strategy.

Amazing to think I learnt all those strategies just in the last 12 months!!!!

Resources for when everything is falling apart, handy links only.

Thats right, just the links I've found useful tonight. I'm a human being blogging, my life has stuff going on that I process away from blogging. And tonight it involved getting myself informed about pulling myself out of an emotional black spot.

I only like step 1 of this one, very important. The other steps resonate better elsewhere. (wikihow)

This one really resonated with me. I immediately went and joined some groups on facebook that related to issues in my life - one of them was an elder care page that I liked, with plenty of links and useful information. This will be so important to ease the feeling of doing it alone. Thank you to the freedom experiment.  This cluey write also suggests tackling the problem that will take 20% of energy to fix, but are causing 80% of the worry. I don't know which one that is right now, too many options!

"Don’t run away from your fear, Pema says. Lean into it." it isn't the simple answer but there is a truth in feeling the fear, and then moving along (with it if necessary).

These others are the ones that I just can't digest right now.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/terri-cole/dealing-with-crisis_b_2777284.html

http://www.feelgooder.com/how-to-be-positive-when-everything-seems-like-it%E2%80%99s-falling-apart/

http://www.marieforleo.com/2013/05/feeling-lost/

http://goinswriter.com/falling-apart/

The common theme seems to be gratitude. I'm going to find my 3 things to be grateful for today.

1. I'm grateful for my house. It may be slowly becoming more run down, but it is mine.

2. I'm grateful for my friends and family who I've chatted to today

3. I'm grateful for my mother in law who knows all things cooking and is just a phone call away with the answers :)

Bless!

7000 days - the end of one life.

Yesterday I said my final goodbye to my faithful feline companion of 20 years. Remembering some of the early years with a friend, I calculated that we'd had about 7000 days together. Too short, too soon they were over.  I turned 40 this year, and there are about another 7000 days before I enter what I think of as 'beginning to be old' although from what I've seen, if you are fit enough, and fortunate, age that really 'ages' you does not come until after 80. So I have 7000 days of 'mature adulthood' ahead of me. Possibly that is an oxymoron - I don't know that adulthood is really connected to maturity and not certain that age is either. But I'm willing to call it that in my head :)

I had about 7200 days with my little furry purry pusscat. In that time he's seen me move house 3 times, lose 3 uncles and my Mum. He's endured the 'single period' as well as glared at 4 boyfriends. He took the appearance of the first two children with grace and the third with resignation. He's played in the Christmas tinsel, bitten our neighbour, teased the dog next door, explored the creek, raced... straight up a tree so high that the vertical descent arse first shredded his claws and he has purred and loved me for those days without question. Not bad for a cat who was chosen by my boyfriend all those years ago because he was the cat who wanted to get out the most! I think that despite the potentially excessive nights out drinking and then nights in playing online games, overall I've made good use of my last 7000 days. I plan to make even better use of the next 7000. I am grateful for the companionship, feline and human that I've had during my adulthood. The feline company will be sorely missed.

  

What would make better use of the next 7000 days? More gratitude, contentment and to have seen and done things, especially with my children that they will remember. To have been a kinder, calmer human being so that my children can pass that on  to their children.

Yesterday I couldn't have been prouder of my 3 children as they all said goodbye to my cat, patting him and then helping with his burial ceremony. They picked flowers and arranged 2 matching vases, collected decorative stones, and finally created their own headstone from a brick with their own words:

"Dear Tinky, we wish you were alive right now. We love you very much."

They helped in every way with his burial, said final words to him and held me as I wept. I am blessed.

 

 

 

 

its all about the food ...

According to the personal trainers I've encountered, that's the trick. Food. The exercise is great, but it is really all about the food.

So tonight I was restrained and did not eat chocolate cake. I feel better for having avoided it.   Which reminds me I need to make Tai Chi a Christmas cake.

But back to this food thing. Today I was particularly inspired, by one of Bruce Springsteen's fellow band members, Ed Manion, who shared a picture of his morning jog on Facebook.  We all need to constantly keep active, it reminded me.

So I did 2 sets of Tai Chi in the 30 degree heat!

And this afternoon on my walk, I discussed the food issue with my friend in exercise and Bruce.  We came to the conclusion that although it is primarily about food, there is nothing like sweating, straining and being physically demanding of your body to get a very clear understanding of how much that effort is wasted by snacking.   My sources informed me this morning that one cupcake requires 30 minutes walking to burn off.  So any time I eat a cupcake, that is that days walk wasted.

If I hadn't walked, for some reason, I'd be more likely to forget how much hard work I put into exercise when I'm doing it, and therefore more likely to eat the dodgy chocolately things.

Exercise also helps in other ways. It really does make me more cheerful. And there is nothing more energising and calorie burning than happiness. Happiness seems to lead to bouncing with energy.

I'm finding it hard to be grateful these days, or to be particularly happy, so here goes the 3 things I'm grateful for today -

1. that my daughter had the funky ex-rock n roll band member as her bus driver this afternoon. It made her happy which made me happy. 

2. That the power came back on tonight so that we could wash school uniforms :)

3. grateful that my Dad looked good this morning and was able to talk on the phone with me this afternoon.

and finally I'm grateful to be getting a somewhat early night - last night was a shocker with 2 children awake at different times of the night!

Negativity - cured by an Attitude of Gratitude!

Sometimes, despite the best intentions, life fills up with it. Negativity. Maybe that's just *my* life, I don't know. I'm only living mine, so I've got no way to know if its me in particular.

Right now for instance, despite being extremely grateful earlier, and looking on the bright side, I find myself not only frustrated, but angry.

Because I'm fed up with blogging and still managing to get lost and feel like I'm making no progress, I'm going to go over the gratitude exercise again.

Tonight I'm grateful for the nap I had earlier, it was pleasant. I'm grateful for my Brucebud, Maggie, who understands.  I'm grateful for the time to write birthday invitations, and that I can let go of the perfectionist in me and make do with what I have designed. I'm grateful to the phone repairer who fixed my broken phone. I'm grateful to Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band for the inspiration to move, to make no excuses and to get out there and be fit. I've lost 13 kgs and that will never come back, because I'll never make excuses for myself like that again.  I might even get within 5kgs of my goal weight for my birthday of 80kgs!

I'm grateful for just now remembering to drink water, as it will help make tomorrow a better day. I'm grateful to music, that I'm just about to listen to, while I drink some water, and marvel at how easy it is to turn around a very bad mood and attitude into a relatively pleasant mood and very good attitude.

It seems it is impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. It seems that when your heart and mind is filled with gratitude, those things and people who make you mad don't matter one zot.

Which is fine by me!

Happiness Challenge Day 6

Today I'm blogging in the middle of the day because I'm alone in the house, supposed to be making progress on cleaning things that children can't be home for (scrubbing floors and craft cupboard cleaning). I'm going even slower than yesterday however, so its only mildly effective as a plan.

In between enjoying Bruce Springsteen songs I'm working my way slowly through the remnants of the cleaning of the bookshelf on the kitchen table.

I'm going to continue with my 10 points as its is like a cheat's way of diary keeping, it covers most categories of my life that are important.

Blogging
Exercise & Tai Chi
Bruce
Gratitude
Friendship
Children
Cleanup
Diet
Everything Else
Lights out

Remembering diet and lights out seem to have been the most difficult things. In fact my diet really hasn't improved more than marginally since the challenge began on Monday.

I do have an idea for more Bruce-related posts, that I want to write about how some of the lyrics affect me. I've done this before with "We Are Alive" but I'm keen to visit some of his other songs and lyrics and reflect on the relevance to organising energy.

For now, its back to cleaning. I am finding cleaning to be a very draining, energy out activity. I would have thought that I would enjoy it and get more satisfaction and sense of acomplishing something than I am, however all I am feeling at the end is tired and like I've been spending a lot of emotional energy, which is weird.

In the end, as I lay in bed I can look out and see the floor I scrubbed this afternoon, it is shining and clean in the glow from the night-light. I'm still tired and drained but oh-so-happy that job is done!

Day 2 - positive energy

Today was the first day of my school holiday plan. I think it went well. More or less according to plan.  I'm blogging on the mobile so will keep this brief as its time for sleep too. It was an emotional day today as I cleaned up (again) a large quantity of the children's toys that have gotten into a sorry, disorganised state. So many factors contributed to this - illnesses, acts of God (just the one storm actually) and emotional attachment to chaos (not me!!)

What I find incredible is that on my walk tonight, when thinking on what I was grateful for, I found myself turning around a negative (hubby's horrible toy toss method of making chaos) and found naked being grateful FIRST today for the fact he got the toys all in one location! In a day of many blessings I'm so glad I changed my thinking on this!

Best bit of today was building a campfire and having toast, potatoes and marshmallows :)

 

 

Health & Happiness Challenge Day 1

I have started two new blog posts tonight, as well as a spreadsheet to help me keep track of my challenges for the week.

Today was an extra work day for me while the children saw cousins with their Nana and Pop. So it didn't leave a LOT of time for exercise (I did a quick 10 minute walk before being picked up from work), or for reaching out to friends (so I emailed photos of the children to the family).

My Bruce time was mostly during the walk, although I did have my mindful Bruce attitude all day, holding my head up higher, and being happy in myself.

I'm grateful for another 2 hour drive home without tears and wailing from the little children. I'm grateful my cat survived a second day without his midday medication.

My diet could have been better as I had iced coffeee (yum!); but I also have had 1/3 of my water and I've eaten plenty of Kale today.

I phoned my father, it was lovely to speak with him after a busy day yesterday, and to hear that the private physiotherapist I have in to see him weekly was a highlight of his day as she took him for a longer walk than the staff usually do.

My excel spreadsheet looks a little like this:

 

Was flat, now a new week of challenges!

I'm a bit frightened. I have psoriasis coming back. New outbreaks on my legs, and my arm scar tissue is doing the opposite of fading.

There are so many things that I can attribute it to, but my gut says it all boils down to that extra special spark of happiness post-Springsteen and the E-Street Band concerts. 

I know I've eaten badly, for enough weeks that it is affecting me, so perhaps it is that. I know my exercise has dropped off with the cold wet weather, illnesses and extra child at home.

I know that my stress levels have skyrocketed with various unavoidable dramatic personalities, including my son's exhausted end-of-term teacher-inspired nervousness at everything. 

What I don't know is how to make it better. I have written so many words in my searching for various motivations and direction, yet still manage to come to this place where things go horribly wrong despite my best intentions.

I feel like I need a plan, or a mantra and a plan. Goals. I find it difficult to cope with when my goals aren't met on time. I was pretty heartbroken when I didn't reach my goal weight at the end of April. Since then I've tried to be more flexible, but then, without a solid goal, it is easy to slowly seep into excuse making by default. That place where you don't actually make excuses, but you excuse yourself from having to be responsible. 

I did this for a whole week recently over my son's school troubles. In some ways the week of 'not dealing with it' gave me some breathing space, but on the other hand, what kind of emotional state was I already in that I needed to re-create an emotional buffer that took a week in the making?

Part of the problem might have been that I've let the blog get out of control, so instead of having a daily reflection on how I'm doing, its barely a weekly review.

I'm sure I did  this list only a few weeks ago - exercise, blog, Bruce, gratefulness, Tai Chi, friendship.  I think its time for another 'challenge' where I focus on these elements as well as the special school holiday additions of children-time and cleanout-time. Challenge week time it is. First challenge will be getting to the blog daily!

I also left out diet! After naming it as the second most likely cause of disease disaster, I need  to remember at least the basics of no bread, 3 bottles of water and some Kale every day.

Exercise and tai chi are self-explanatory - daily!

Bruce - get some of that him daily too!

Gratefulness - a daily record of what I'm grateful for, at LEAST.

Friendship - connect with my exercise mates, or phone a friend

Children and cleanup time is part of my school holiday plan to begin with.

Wow, that is a very structured, full kind of challenge.  Perhaps it is about time.  I do wonder where in there I'm going to fit other things, like the evil budget word, or following up to fix my Dad's hearing aids.  So so many things. 

First a little bit of Tai Chi and a little bit of gratitude followed by the necessary fixing clothes for work tomorrow.

I hope you've made it this far through this very inwards and reflective journal for today!

If so, how wonderful is this? This is Evan's man-hug, from his sign request for the same.  It might seem crazily out of context, but its here because Evan's story makes me smile, and reminds me of how amazing it feels to be so close to someone who has such incredible energy and zest and shares that on such a magnificent scale.

Today I'm grateful that Evan shared his moment with so many Brucebuds.  I'm especially grateful to get home at night with two happy children (as compared to the screaming to get out of the car variety). I'm also grateful that my cat did ok by himself for the day. 

What are you grateful for today?

EDIT: note to self for this week - turn out the light!

Negativity and Affirmations

I've had a lesson today. A lesson in balance. While feeling utterly overwhelmed with the weight of negativity around me, I discussed this on my facebook wall with friends.  And after a bit of too-ing and fro-ing in the ensuing discussion, I posted this:

Tai Chi is perfect! It has soo many proven health benefits and I have to make a real effort now to actually do myself harm with it. Also I don't like to sit still, so I find holding yoga poses totally alien to my nature. On the other hand, Tai Chi is 'walking meditation' and its perfect :) Some days just area bit bodgier than others, I've had a few weeks of that with one thing and another and this has turned out to be a reaffirmation (I'm fast learning that reaffirming important things needs to be done over and over and over ad infinitum) of all the good things I know I need to keep up to stay healthy. Will my third finger remain arthritic? Geez I hope not but even if it does, I know if I keep up all the walking, tai chi, gratefulness etc then it won't really matter as it will get better when all that is going on. Really I'm just sooking about Bruce in Europe. HUGE first world problem.

What I've learnt is that I really must keep reaffirming my faith in myself. Reaffirming the importance of all the thing that are integral to my happiness and healthiness isn't something I need to do now and again. I need it daily, or as many times as its necessary to keep me as disease free as I was in April this year.

 

 

So even negativity serves a positive purpose, because when it creeps (or rushes) in, then its time to reaffirm the exercise, the Tai Chi, the gratefulness and the determination to live life and enjoy!  Its interesting how even the less exhilarating ride to the bottom of the ferris wheel can be filled with anticipation of the next exciting ascent to the top!  I missed out on the ferris wheel ride at this year's Agricultural Show, but I think I've been on my own personal wheel with great highs and deep dips!  Right now, according to my theory, I'm on my way back around the wheel, on an upsweep :)