Thank you E Street Band!

This year, almost as soon as Bruce and the E Street band packed their bags and departed our beaches, the world changed for me.

When I saw Bruce Springsteen in 2013, something changed in a massively positive and awesome way for me.  Then, somehow at the end of February this year, having taken an epic 4 week and 9 concert holiday around 5 states of this beautiful land, life just started nosediving.

The theory I like the most is twofold. One, after sooo much Bruce and E Street Band, I felt invincible and instead of taking on only a single thing (my health / weight / fitness), I started tackling ALL THE THINGS. I was like  the blogger who decides to be an adult and CLEAN ALL THE THINGS.  It was taxing. I collapsed under the strain a little bit. This combined with the fact that travelling if not 'with' a huge group of people outside of my normal 'bubble' was a bit of a rude shock. Travelling in such proximity to such a large group for such a long time, certainly threw me for a six on a number of occasions. I was spent before leaving, the tour was to recharge my batteries (which it did), but I found it difficult to take on a whole new group of strangers, I just didn't have the emotional gusto at that time.

And thus, life post tour has been quite odd. Weeks go by when I don't feel any of the empowering inspiration that lingered for so much longer post-2013 concerts. There are days when it all feels like a dream.  

And then there are precious moments like today, when putting my son to bed, when my phone is out of batteries (no Bruce setlist!) and he says to me "But Dad's phone has Dream Baby Dream!" and then "Doesn't Dad have Wrecking Ball?" The cute, it burns.  He fell asleep listening to Cadillac Ranch from a youtube clip of Sydney in the end :)

Which reminded me of just how grateful I am for the E Street Band, so I'm writing this thank you for them.

This was my view of the concert in Adelaide with my beautiful daughter, and delightful friend. We had the most amazing time!

To Eddie, thank you for the down to earth facebook posts, and your sense of humour. Thank you for thanking us in Perth.  Perth was so special for me, I met some wonderful people and you played such a big part in making it all feel lovely.  It was in hindsight quite funny to see you in Sydney, well, to barrel past you with my crazy loud family and not recognise you, not that I could think at all clearly at that point, a common state when running after 3 energetic kids. Next time, please jump in front of me and say "boo!"; I'll keep a lookout for men without saxophones leaping out from behind their beautiful wives. You continue to be an inspiration to me, your posts remind me that hard work is what achieves goals, what keeps us where we want to be in life, my thanks. I am glad that you have visited and enjoyed my country.

To Charlie, thank you for the winks and smiles in Perth, what fun! It makes such a difference to know that we're all having fun together :)

To Soozie, thank you for playing the Violin. You inspire my daughter whenever she sees you onstage.  Thank you for being friendly, for smiling, for not looking crossly in my direction when my poor tired, overheated daughter (same one who cheerfully survived 43 degree heat and insisted on staying up till 12:30 to see Bruce leave in Adelaide, who begged to be allowed to come to Brisbane too!) looked miserable and wilted. Thank you for smiling, not frowning!

Max, thank you for being the incredible backbone of the band. Last year you blew me away and I spent hours watching you mesmerised by the way you work your magic.  And I have a new respect and appreciation for drums, everywhere. You've opened up a whole new way of listening to music for me.

Stevie Van Zandt, thank you for being you. I was only on your side of the stage a few times, but your energy and cheekiness is amazing and so much fun. Thank you most of all for standing with Bruce and singing to my daughter. Thank you for waving to us in Sydney when we were way up behind you.  And thank you for Lillehammer! I have not yet watched it,and look forward to the chance to watch it all!

Roy, you legend. Thank you for every note played, including the ones played with Bruce's head. Thank you so much for the beautiful music.

Everett, thank you for those incredible drum-offs :)

Michelle, Cindy & Curtis oh my thank you for the fun! My girl and I thoroughly enjoyed waving to you during the Sydney show and she loved seeing how you work together at the back of the stage to give us such a wonderful night of music. The waves and smiles made her feel so special, thank you xxxx

Barry, Clark & Curt I love it when you all get to the front of the stage, your sense of fun is infectious, thank you!

Garry, you are such a dark horse hiding quietly behind your bass. Thank you for the moments when your smile lights up the room. 

Nils, like Eddie, you have been and continue to be, such an influence on me as a person. Musically I'm challenged, but your happy outlook, and the incredible vibe from you in 2013 especially made a huge impact on my outlook. Your accessibility to fans as people is incredible. You made me feel welcome on twitter, for which I thank you. I have enjoyed immensely learning from your example on stage and off, and wow, I love watching you play Because the Night. Thank you!

Jake, I have not sufficient words. I came to see the E Street Band for the first time with you already filling those big shoes. I think that not only do you do an amazing job, but you bring a young energy with you. Blessings and thanks!

And Tom, again, for me you are a part of the E Street Band as I know it.  But what a new and exciting influence on amazing.  I love to watch you, the juxaposition of your energy and personal styles with some of not-quite-so-Tom songs! Your face is a picture!  Thank you for standing up for those who need a voice! Thank you for the hours of fun in Perth particularly, your smile is infectious. Thank for for your contribution to The Ghost of Tom Joad, which now makes me cry. 

Bruce Springsteen, thank you for singing to my daughter, so very much. It means so much to her and made my night to see her shine with happiness both in Adelaide and Sydney. Thank you for meeting her, and for the hindsight-object-lesson-in-parenting that sometimes Mums just need to shut up and listen!  That one is going to be a challenge for me.  Thank you for the challenges! Since seeing you in concert for the first time in 2013, my life has changed. You are this person who opened the door into your soul in a concert and who in doing so exposed my own inner self. The magic has rubbed off a little differently this year, but I'm sure it is still there, no excuses to be so sick, no excuses not to exercise, no excuses for not being the best of me in this life. All that matters in the end are our family, our health and the little piece of us we pass along to others through our actions. Have a good time in this life right now, because it is the only one we have! Thank for, and the whole E Street Band for that lesson.

Most of all thank you for the chance to share this experience with my daughter, we have the happiest memories together!  Be warned, next tour my son insists he is coming along too!

Same lessons, different day, different year

I've been struck lately, amidst running about like a crazy person from one very important task to another, at just how repetitive life lessons are.  Here I am, gaining weight, in pain, feeling anxious and realising that so many things I've blogged about such as being prepared, taking time to relax, regrouping, drinking enough water, making no excuses remain the life lessons I still need to learn!

Making time for reflection, that was another of the important life skills I'd focussed on, particularly in making a commitment to blogging. Yet I still don't find the time regularly.

However I did have one moment of reflection while talking with a lifelong friend earlier in the week, which I will share with you now.

At the end of all our days, when our life is nearing it's completion, the only thing that matters is the shared belonging of our family and friends, and the qualities and values and love that we see shining from the younger generations.  When everything else fades away, those things endure with the same meaning across the generations.

7000 days - the end of one life.

Yesterday I said my final goodbye to my faithful feline companion of 20 years. Remembering some of the early years with a friend, I calculated that we'd had about 7000 days together. Too short, too soon they were over.  I turned 40 this year, and there are about another 7000 days before I enter what I think of as 'beginning to be old' although from what I've seen, if you are fit enough, and fortunate, age that really 'ages' you does not come until after 80. So I have 7000 days of 'mature adulthood' ahead of me. Possibly that is an oxymoron - I don't know that adulthood is really connected to maturity and not certain that age is either. But I'm willing to call it that in my head :)

I had about 7200 days with my little furry purry pusscat. In that time he's seen me move house 3 times, lose 3 uncles and my Mum. He's endured the 'single period' as well as glared at 4 boyfriends. He took the appearance of the first two children with grace and the third with resignation. He's played in the Christmas tinsel, bitten our neighbour, teased the dog next door, explored the creek, raced... straight up a tree so high that the vertical descent arse first shredded his claws and he has purred and loved me for those days without question. Not bad for a cat who was chosen by my boyfriend all those years ago because he was the cat who wanted to get out the most! I think that despite the potentially excessive nights out drinking and then nights in playing online games, overall I've made good use of my last 7000 days. I plan to make even better use of the next 7000. I am grateful for the companionship, feline and human that I've had during my adulthood. The feline company will be sorely missed.

  

What would make better use of the next 7000 days? More gratitude, contentment and to have seen and done things, especially with my children that they will remember. To have been a kinder, calmer human being so that my children can pass that on  to their children.

Yesterday I couldn't have been prouder of my 3 children as they all said goodbye to my cat, patting him and then helping with his burial ceremony. They picked flowers and arranged 2 matching vases, collected decorative stones, and finally created their own headstone from a brick with their own words:

"Dear Tinky, we wish you were alive right now. We love you very much."

They helped in every way with his burial, said final words to him and held me as I wept. I am blessed.

 

 

 

 

Confusing choices

In the past, for reasons of privacy and also my own confusion, I have written little, if anything about the enormous challenges of caring for my Dad. He fell over in 2012 and gave himself a significant concussion. He was 6 weeks in hospital, at the end of which I was given the ultimatum to get him into a nursing home as the hospital did not acknowledge his post-concussion syndrome, claiming his dementia caused all of his memory trouble and that at 84 (then) he was not safe in the community. He has been in one, 20 minutes from my home since then.  It is an expensive home, with some very caring staff. There are also some very callous financial decisions made by the 'for profit' organisation, and by certain staff members. One of whom informed me over 2 months ago that in her opinion (she's a Nurse Practicioner, so her opinion should be professional) my Dad was at the end of his life and we should withdraw all medications.  I disagreed with her, and rightfully so as Dad has once again beaten the odds to continue to do well for someone with his medical conditions.

The problem that I face tonight is about Dad, but moreso about myself. It is about our relationship, and his relationship with the community and my children.

While Dad was terribly ill, both my husband and I took 6 weeks off work. We did not want my Dad to become increasingly unwell and die alone. We wanted him to be as comfortable and as well cared for as possible. So one of us (usually me) spent most of our waking hours with him. We ensured that he could get to the toilet when he needed to, that he had the right medication when he needed it, that he was not being given too many fluids, that he was warm enough, that he had plenty to eat,  that he was treated as a human being and respected, not treated like an imbecile. This was a full time job, particularly when he was unstable, he needed oxygen therapy, he needed an upright sleeping position, he needed the best nutrition in the smallest food quantities because he couldn't eat a lot at a time. None of those things come as part of the 'service' at a nursing home. They do not provide one staff member to sit and provide spoonfuls of food for an hour or more so that one person can get their entire meal eaten. They do not assess the food for excessive (and deadly) salt content. We provided that to him, and he lived. And this makes me happy. If my Dad didn't want to live, his body has given him plenty of opportunity to give up. But he doesn't and for that I'm grateful. I still enjoy his company. I find it somehow reassuring that he is still there, despite the burden his continuing life places on mine. It is the circle of life, this is how things are.

What I struggle with, is the prospect of returning to my own life. My husband went back to his work last week. These past two weeks have been more emotionally draining, and deadening to me than all that time while Dad was desperately ill and I thought he might die at any moment.  I find it impossible to advocate for him effectively when I can only see him 3 times in a week. I find it demoralising to leave him for such long periods of time (more than 24 hours seems long) without seeing him, or speaking to him. He isn't good with the telephone so conversations on the phone are now a rarity.  Today he told me that the place he was in is good "as long as you're not in it" He wants to come and live near us, or go home.

At this point, that is what I want too. I want to at least take his 'community leave' from the nursing home and find him somewhere to stay locally and then see how we go, what we need and whether we can make a go of it with him in the community.   As I write this, it sounds easy, I am reminded to call back two real estates for more information to see if I could rent either of 2 local houses. And I've just thought of another 2 houses that may be available for rent. I think what frightens me most about this is that it will be going against what my elder sister wants, and I'm not known for ever winning any kind of disagreement with her.

I'm glad that I have friends who are learning from my experience with Dad, about what not to do, what to watch out for. But right now I could really do with the wisdom from someone else who can help me to both make his time happier, and to take away this dreadful flat feeling I have inside after leaving him in the nursing home to fend for himself for the past 2 weeks. I know that we (hubby and I) have been to see him at least 3 times a week if not more, but it is not the same as seeing him every day, or several times a day. There is no time to care for him, to be certain that he's getting enough food, or that anyone is speaking to him kindly, or that he's getting to go for a walk. When we aren't there, those things don't 'just happen'. I want to be there, to be a part of his life and care.

I do need to talk this big decision over with the family. I might be feeling bereft, however perhaps my children are enjoying the extra time with me that I'm sure they are having. I don't feel that that is the case, but it probably is. Another possibility is to bring him here overnight and see if we manage ok. I think we will have to investigate that for next weekend. It is something we've been meaning to do and he's always getting sick or we are too busy (usually collapsing after he's been sick).  I've needed to write all this down because for me at the moment, Dad's situation is at the heart of my own situation. All of my energy is tied into how he is  being cared for, I feel very responsible for his welfare.

When Things break whats really important?

Some days it all just goes to hell in a handbasket, doesn't it? Today is one of those days. I've drunk the water, done some cleaning, done my level best to remain civil to those I love. And it still just feels like a horrid day. Perhaps thinking about money, work, trying new things, and my 40th birthday all at once was brain overload?!! First world problems. Blog will resume with some tidbit of knowledge and learning from the day if some's to be had.

	Women Of History (@WomenOfHistory)
15/02/13 8:50 AM Never let a problem to be solved become more importantly than a person to be loved. -Barbra Johnson

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And that's it! When all else fails, remember love. Today I cuddled my children, apologised to my husband and read the little ones 3 or 4 picture books. Job done today!