How long does it take to lose oneself? It's just a jump to the left?

That's me right now. Stuck in a time warp. Apparently it takes one week post-party to have regressed to a state of household chaos that very much resembles pre-party house chaos. With the addition of post-party mind-bending, Springsteen tour ending, hormonal panics. And a husband with a very very sore gum.

And how do I feel overall?  I feel rather remarkable.  I've only had to remove 2 items from the kitchen windowsill in a week, that is pretty good going for my compulsive surface covering hubby.  There are no extra do-dabs or non-belonging items on top of the bookcase.  The pantry is a little chaotic, but I'm onto that.  The laundry is getting a bit dodgy, but again, I'm keeping it in check. The kitchen table and kitchen bench are suffering post-party agonies (I can't see either)

On the flip side I have my blackboard, I have my daily quotes on it. The untidy 'hot spot' dumping ground near the stereo is tidy.  The fridge is tidier than it used to be.  The chaos at the moment is within me, but I'm also calmer with this month's hormonal cocktail.

Time is fleeting.

I am feeling a strong sense of that at the moment. That I must make choices that are best for the whole family.

At the moment that doesn't seem to include a trip to Santiago, much as I would LOVE to see Bruce and the E Street Band in concert again on this tour, I think I will miss out, in favour of the following range of alternate activities:

• walking the 5 km (or 10km) part of the local marathon.
• spending 5 days on the Gold Coast in a special 'children-friendly' resort 
• campervanning in the September school holidays
• my daughter's only gymnastics competition this year
• spending some time alone / with other women crafting / crocheting as an 'escape' for me
• visiting my Aunt as she celebrates her 90th birthday
• anything else that seems healing and energising that doesn't cost a small fortune in airfares.

But for now, I'm a bit in the time warp. About to turn 40. Listening to live music as I type that is tonight soothing and quietening the conflicts within.

I met (for the second time) a lovely man today, who hopefully has given me the direction and strength I need to deal with family conflicts. He's certainly given me a large list of things to look after. Who'd have thought a solicitor would be so helpful. Hopefully his charmingly brusque and forthright manner will help see me through the chaos there.

I've put on weight from doing so much Tai Chi and less walking (and lets face it, eating too many jam drops and chocolate cake slices!). I'm sure there is a balance there, but hubby needs to get out and exercise himself. Maybe some of our walks can include the children. I would love that, although its hard to get them all in the one place cooperating!

Have I said anything tonight? Probably not, but

"With a bit of a mind flip, you're into a time slip", so what does it matter?

:)

PS I learnt tonight how to change to a nicer font, yay me for conquering HTML. Also it occurs to me that blink and you miss a whole 7 days. What did you do with this week?  (tramps* don't answer, I know if you're in Europe what you've been up to!)  Blink again and 6 months have gone by.  Morale of the story? Blink infrequently, and make some memories every day.  Today's memories are of my daughters delight at jumping, her kisses of Grandad and the glorious smell of dinner cooking when I arrived home. Tomorrow I will aim for more memories and less chaos.


*aka Bruce Springsteen fans.

Wow, extrinsic motivation central!

Today I'm writing to begin to come to terms with the fact that my motivation is extrinsic. Pretty much all of it. In fact I can't imagine what it must be like to be any other way.

This week has been a rollercoaster. I have spent quite a bit of it preparing my Rainbow Jelly Cups.  Then there are the hours spent agonising over the soon-to-be-over Bruce Springsteen and E-Street Band tour in Europe. I dearly wanted to see it, and have been quite challenged by my initial indecision and ultimate realisation that no, there is no way I will.  Of course now the announcement of Santiago as the next-to-last-stop has me excited all over again.

Closer to home, the great birthday party, combined with the 'best friend visit' sent me into a frenzy of cleaning like I haven't managed in this house in years. Not since before children.  It was really quite something.  The threat of new people in the house, with a short time frame had my frenzy of activity both focussed and effective.  Some things I tidied, others I threw into corners to be sorted later.  But I know where those corners are, I do not intend for the house to get into a state like it has been in the past ever again. 

In fact, for the sake of noting it down, those corners are 1. beside the bed in the family bedroom and 2. hidden in the cupboard in the front room - some reasonbly important papers disappeared into there!

What was the result? A relaxed happy me who felt I'd done what I could, plus the amazing feeling of an uncluttered space. VERY uncluttered compared to just days ago. I am loving it.

I really felt like this party had me pulling together all the things I've been learning about myself this year, I took breaks when I had to, I prioritised what to stress over and I owned my happiness. When guests were arriving and I was cake decorating, I just happily stayed in my happy place, loving the cake decorating moment with my friend Lyn. Everything else was taken care of (once I shoo'ed my hubby into the backyard to supervise children). It was lovely. This is the result of my decorating happy place. The butter cream was not smoothed beautifully. But the cake is for a little person, who isn't going to worry about that!
 

Since then I've also managed to calmly handle the alarming sisterly crisis (a very complex situation) and taken myself for a walk in the rain this evening, reminding me of Irish weather, of Bruce Springsteen in Ireland and of all the fans enjoying this kind of warm soft raining weather at Bruce concerts.

The fun part for me now is two challenges. The first relates to the house - keeping it tidy, keeping on top of my clutterbug husband who I notice has already found a new spot to mess up (the upstairs bathroom that we don't use!!!!). To make sure of this I need to stop blogging very soon and tidy up the room I'm in and the entry.

The second challenge is a new one, but also old. I need to make sure that I make a daily documentation of all the work I do for my Dad as it may be required soon. I write so much down but its something I could do better at, so thats my challenge for this week, beginning with today's trip to take him his special drinks. I was very happy that he enjoyed them and also a 10 minute phone conversation with his beloved sister in law. These moments are precious.

Rainbow Jelly Cups

Yes, that's it. Rainbow Jelly cups are the pinnacle of my life right now. (this could just be another way of saying that without seeing Bruce Springsteen and the band in Europe, life is meaningless!)

But back to the Jelly Cups and the strange things I am learning from them.

If I can just do this one hard thing, everything else will fall into place.
Firstly I'm learning that I have a wonky way of seeing myself.  I seem to think that if I can conquer rainbow jelly cups for my daughter's party, then somehow I will manage absolutely everything else.  Interesting in theory.

I'm busy doing this one hard thing and don't want to stop.
I'm also discovering that I'm obsessed with these jelly cups. I am having to stop myself from losing all perspective and force myself to attend to other party needs. Perhaps having lost the passion fruit jelly today, only to find it much later, and then discover that it isn't purple at all, its YELLOW. Not helpful when you're up to the "indigo and violet" end of the spectrum!  Having stalled in the jelly construction has at least given me time to continue the cleaning.  Which brings me to another party realisation.

Facing facts - I'm extrinsically motivated.
No matter how much I try to develop intrinsic motivation, or to appreciate whatever is intrinsic, the bottom line is I'm extremely extrinsically motivated. Excessively so even.  I'm finally having a party, my daughter's best friend is coming over for the first time, and I suddenly have the guts and wherewithal and all tools needed to tackle that dusty pile of messy stuff on top of the stereo.  In the past 2 years is there really a reason I couldn't have found this ability for myself?  Apparently not.  When I do things for myself the time frame is slower and infinitely more painful.  This extrinsic stuff really pumps my juices. Extrovert anyone?

And talented at layering cold fun stuff.
But wait, there's more to this blog and more realisations.  This one's a quirky one.   Apparently I'm good at making layered cold stuff.  I should try more of it, for the Mumma ego boosting qualities.  Logical reasons why layered cold stuff ought to be challenging are that you have to spend a prolonged period of time devoted to the construction, which also seems to involve technicalities around the exact timing versus what you're trying to achieve.  Apparently I kick arse at this.  So far my repertoire is rainbow jelly and frozen 'discovery' icebergs.

 

 

Just in case you desperately need to know -here's how to make Rainbow Jelly Cups. (pictured above minus the infuriatingly not present purple jelly)

 

How to make Rainbow Jelly Cups

1. Buy plastic cups and 2 packets each of red, yellow, green, blue and purple jelly.  My layers are uneven because of differing amounts of jelly. Plus if you stuff up its always good to have backup. You could also try simply buying orange jelly and sticking to one packet each. It depends whether you like the blended look between my red and yellow better than the neat layer between my yellow and blue.

 

2. Make up your red (or purple) jelly and pour into cups evenly. I made 12 cups from one packet of each, but I think I'll need 2 packets for the top layer as the blue is a little thin.

 

3. Wait for it to set.  If you are layering to blend colours, make up a new jelly (in mine I did red then yellow) and when it cools to just warm, pour over the red and refrigerate quickly. The red and yellow will blend to make orange. I then did a new layer of yellow.  If you are not blending colours, leave the new jelly to cool to room temperature and add to the layers in the cup.   Repeat for all colours.

 

or you could go to the source of my Jelly adventures at Pink and Green Mama and see if her version makes more sense :)

 

Its simple really isn't it?  I have taken 3 days to make these, but I'm in no hurry. While I'm making jelly I'm not worrying about the other million party preparations. Its supposed to be fun,right? Well apparently jelly cups are my idea of fun :)





Indecision - a real threat to happiness

So here I sit, as I attempt to come to terms with the past few months lack of decisiveness on the issue of a European Bruce holiday, and wracked with agony over the correct date to hold my daughter's 2nd birthday party, and where.

And then I realise. I've been hit with the indecisiveness bug. That one that bites you on the derriere as soon as you let it creep back into your life.  And so began my Internet search for answers to party problem (the Bruce Springsteen problem now rests entirely on the outcome of a competition for tickets to Cardiff on 23rd July).

And I was first struck by this quote “Indecision is often worse than wrong action.” – Henry Ford

That's the crux of it isn't it? There is no point wavering from here till eternity wondering, or being in fear of being wrong.  It was a matter of just doing it.  Which solved my problem with the birthday party at least.  I made decisions. Plenty of them. First I would let / encourage the active participation of my elder children who want to be the ones throwing their sister a party. Going along with that theme, to keep their enthusiasm, I chose  the nearer party date, and for our home to be the location, despite my fears, because it would be easier for them.  Decision made, I figure in terms of parties it couldn't possibly go as wrong as my elder daughter's 3rd birthday party that had to be cancelled on the day (as some guests arrived) because her baby brother was born that morning at home!

As the day wore on, the links between this birthday party, my decreased happiness and my total lack of commitment to my 'dream' of seeing Bruce and the ESB in Europe became more obvious.  I see now that my uncertainty and tentativeness meant that I was never going to be going to Europe, I simply did not show the commitment and determination necessary.

I had walked straight into the problem identified by this website

However, the problem with being indecisive about the bigger things is that often, the window of opportunity to make a decision is limited and so if someone can’t make a decision for themselves, other people or changing circumstances make the decision for them.

That was me. Circumstances of less than a fortnight left of the European tour (and possibly the whole Wrecking Ball Tour) make it logistically almost impossible now to get the family to Europe.

So I reason with myself a little. I console myself that I've lost 13kgs, and that is a good thing. I argue that my house cleaning is still not completed, but that signs are promising as I'm making terrific progress. Most of all I apply the most basic reason - that it is really scary the idea of taking the family to Europe and that I've spent the money on children's school fees and sports tuition.

But I'm not at all impressed with my weeks of agony over the birthday party; and I'm certainly not looking forward to the next two weeks of hearing of the last tour gigs.  I don't like to think that had I been decisive, the stresses of the past weeks might've been the stresses of getting three children through an international airport to connecting flights, or of finding our accommodation in a strange country. But no.

So my Internet search led me to this page, where the following quote gives me pause for thought:

“A test of mental strength is the ability to take firm decisions. Indecision is always a sign of mental weakness. It shows there are unresolved conflicts within you. And conflicts undermine the integrity of the personality. If we remain in a state of indecision for a long time, instead of gaining strength we become weaker. To remain in a state of indecision and then to try to make your mind strong is stupid. We must be very decisive about small things. Then we find it easier to take decisions about bigger things. Even the smallest thing in life is to be done consciously, intelligently, decisively, coordinating all of the faculties – feeling, thinking, and willing. Cultivate good habits early in life. A well regulated life is of great help. If we follow a strict routine every day, many of the little problems in life will not create indecision and worries. Then we get more energy and time for bigger things. We must not lie in bed and go on thinking for half an hour, ‘Shall I get up or not?’ Either get up immediately or sleep for another half an hour, but do not remain in an indecisive state. Indecision is very harmful. Let not the little things of life nag you constantly and dissipate your energies.” Swami Avdheshanand.

So many factors there.  I recently searched on the emotional causes of rheumatoid arthritis, and funnily enough, it said unresolved conflicts!

Putting that little gem aside for a moment, the website suggests the following steps to improving that mental strength:

1. Spend a few days noticing when you are caught in the clutches of indecision – what types of things are bothering you? Are they small things or big things? How much time do you devote to make simple decisions?
2. Pick one thing to focus on, something that you constantly struggle with (it could be what time to get up in the morning, what to eat that day, what outfit to wear). Make sure it’s a small thing to start with so you don’t make it too difficult for yourself.
3. Next time you find yourself struggling to choose on your chosen subject, remind yourself mentally “I am a decisive person and I will not waste my time and energy with this.”
4. Now – simply pick one option. Make a decision quickly and commit to it. It doesn’t matter if it’s the right decision or not – just do it.
5. Let it go. Refrain from labouring about whether you made the right choice or not and move on. Do something immediately that really does matter to you – and if possible something that will make a positive difference to your life or to the lives of others.
- See more at: http://simplelifestrategies.com/5-steps-to-overcome-indecision/#sthash.5FZbFF6V.dpuf

Or, to follow the suggestion a friend made a few weeks ago about the housework. Decide to do SOME (e.g. start with just one thing like emptying the dishwasher) or decide not to. Don't agonise over everything, because that is a total waste of time. At least if I decide not to do housework, I'll be free to ENJOY whatever else I do instead, making it at least a fun use of my time :)

I've been totally missing this obvious common sense over Bruce Springsteen's Tour, and again about the birthday party ideas. Now I just need to make the most of where I am now.   I know I feel better for having made the decisions about the party, and with a light heart, rather than a doubting one. So far all the rest of the decisions about my little girl's party have come easier and easier because I'm committed to it.

I'll spend some time thinking about those 5 steps and about conflict!

Negativity - cured by an Attitude of Gratitude!

Sometimes, despite the best intentions, life fills up with it. Negativity. Maybe that's just *my* life, I don't know. I'm only living mine, so I've got no way to know if its me in particular.

Right now for instance, despite being extremely grateful earlier, and looking on the bright side, I find myself not only frustrated, but angry.

Because I'm fed up with blogging and still managing to get lost and feel like I'm making no progress, I'm going to go over the gratitude exercise again.

Tonight I'm grateful for the nap I had earlier, it was pleasant. I'm grateful for my Brucebud, Maggie, who understands.  I'm grateful for the time to write birthday invitations, and that I can let go of the perfectionist in me and make do with what I have designed. I'm grateful to the phone repairer who fixed my broken phone. I'm grateful to Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band for the inspiration to move, to make no excuses and to get out there and be fit. I've lost 13 kgs and that will never come back, because I'll never make excuses for myself like that again.  I might even get within 5kgs of my goal weight for my birthday of 80kgs!

I'm grateful for just now remembering to drink water, as it will help make tomorrow a better day. I'm grateful to music, that I'm just about to listen to, while I drink some water, and marvel at how easy it is to turn around a very bad mood and attitude into a relatively pleasant mood and very good attitude.

It seems it is impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. It seems that when your heart and mind is filled with gratitude, those things and people who make you mad don't matter one zot.

Which is fine by me!

Unfinished Business

As I pulled up in my driveway tonight, the strange uneven bent of the Grevillea tree caught my eye. It is leaning dangerously close to the power line to the house, a remnant branch from a poorly finished job of tree lopping done over 12 months ago.

Which of course leads me straight into the flyaway thoughts of 'why me?' "why do I have these bodgy tradies come here who don't finish work?" "Why do I always end up 'making do' with someone else's incompetence, that I have paid for?"

The very first answer is that I rely on my husband. I do not take sole responsibility, and yes, though he perhaps ought to be able to manage this kind of thing, the fact is, if he can't or won't, that's the point at which *I* end up dealing with the consequences.

Now I know this.  And therefore why do I continue to leave things in his hands, when I really should have learnt by now? Habit? Perhaps so. But no doubt there is something in me or him that motivates me to accept pathetically low standards.

Is his fear of confrontation so strong that he resorts to dishonestly tricking me into trusting him to deal with it? Possibly it is, however again, by now, you'd think I'd learn.

In fact as I write, I begin to wonder if there isn't some way for me to improve my future record by somehow going back into the past and doing something to right the wrongs.  These are not small things, for the most part, and off the top of my head, I can list the following areas where I've been done over by folk I've paid for 'helping' me.

1. Many years ago we got cleaners in to help us for 2 hours. They swept dirt out the front door and onto the ornamental rocks immediately outside the door, making the garden dirty.
2. Last year when doing pest control, the pest control agency dug up flowers in the same garden and did not replace them.
3. we once had our car 'detailed' with instructions about not using perfumes. The car still stinks today and this happened over 2 years ago.
4. We had about 7 trees lopped for safety at a cost of over $1000. The trees at the front of the property were left lop-sided and not tidy
5. Recently we had a laundry converted to a bathroom. The builder left the room in a mess, did not reinstall curtains, grab rails in the toilet for my elderly father or a number of other things.
6. A long list of dodgy plumbing capers; including leaving ceramic sewage pipe fragments in the backyard, messy pipework, poor joining of old and new work.
7. We had our entire roof replaced at a cost of $25,000. You'd expect this to go well but no. We did not have a contract, and work that was told to us would be completed never was, including the raising of a section of floor & walls to the same height as the remainder of the house, and the levelling of the ceiling. They also installed insulation over existing insulation, rendering all insulation useless as there is no roof cavity for air circulation.

What can I do to a. prevent this in the future and b. make myself feel better about what has already come to pass?

It occurs to me tonight that to write a simple letter to these businesses outlining the problem and the lack of response to our complaint (we have always pointed out the problem at the time, but only once and never followed through), and that we would welcome whatever form of amends they wish to make would be warmly welcomed.

In the future how to prevent this? I am not sure. I know that when it comes to my father's health and care, I have learnt a very great deal about negotiation, and about getting what you want from people, with persistence and careful advocacy.  I know it is tiring, and that it is much easier with the motivation of advocating to keep someone alive and with dignity than it is to negotiate for a job site to be tidied up, when it is about things not health, I find it more difficult to advocate, both for my Dad and for myself.   It is certainly easier for me to advocate for him, as a third person, than I manage to advocate for my own self-interest.  Self-advocacy is certainly the topic I believe I need to strengthen.



 

Assorted Musical Links

My 40th birthday is coming up. I'm searching for music (not just Springsteen). Eventually there will be a setlist 'of my life' but until then, here are the links

http://80s-tapes.blogspot.com.au/search/label/1981 - 80's music site

http://www.bobborst.com/popculture/top-100-songs-of-the-year/?year=1975 - billboard charts of 70's

http://vimeo.com/61701658 - Rikki don't lose that number - not sure why I'm keeping this

http://rateyourmusic.com/list/jwjstone/australian_top_100_singles___07_july_1975 - Australia Top 100 singles


Top 40 Songs to Sing along my life:

1. Blame it on the Bossanova
2. Country Road, Take Me Home, John Denver
3. The Gambler, Kenny Rogers
4. Louisiana Woman, Mississippi Man - Conway Twitty, Loretta Lynn
5. Mickey - Toni Basil
6. Hurt So Good - John Mellencamp
7. Jack and Diane - John Mellencamp
8. Jive Talking - Bee Gees
9. Rikki Don't Lose that Number
10. Ghostbusters
11. I wear my Sunglasses at Night
12. What's Love Got to Do with It?, Tina Turner
13. Find me Somebody to Love - Queen
14. Beds Are Burning - Midnight Oil
15. When the Generals Talk - Midnight Oil
16. Glad I'm not a Kennedy
17. Fast Car, Tracey Chapman
18. Hotel California - The Eagles
19. Ring of Fire - Johnny Cash
20. Take it Easy - The Eagles
21. Groovy Kind of Love - Phil Collins
22. No Woman No Cry - Bob Marley
23. Are You Gonna Go My Way - Lenny Kravitz
24. Takin' Care of Business - Bachmann Turner Overdrive
25. Nothing's Gonna Break My Stride - Miami Sound Machine
26. Another one on the Way - Loretta Lynn
27. First Cut is the Deepest - Rod Stewart