The gloomy return of the mid-life panic!

I finally dug myself out of the 'poor me' attitude this evening long enough to go for a 20 minute walk before blogging. On my walk I realised that the mid-life-impending-doom-fear-of-death-and-mortality crisis had snuck it's way back inside my brain.

I was walking in fear. In fear of a heart attack (yes I have risk factors), in fear of leaving my children behind, in fear of not having left them with a true legacy of 'me'.  I find it hard to even type those words, so strong is the gripping emotion.  This was the kind of emotional turmoil that had taken hold of me (at times) prior to the great Bruce Springsteen catharsis in March. Listening to Bruce evaporated my fears, galvanised my resolve and until the past few weeks, I have not looked back, particularly in terms of physical fitness and responsibility for my physical well-being.

I've struggled emotionally and with time since my Dad went back into the nursing home. The idea that he would pass at any moment was difficult to accept, as was the about-face of realising that the doom and gloom predictions were again a little overenthusiastic.  At the moment Dad is quite stable, if chronically unwell.

I think that the single most important factor to all the 'energy organising' that I do is to ensure that I have 1. nurtured my physical self so that I am a fully functioning capable human and 2. developed or maintained or discovered? a sense of 'me' so that I know whatever the future holds, that my children know 'me', they are not seeing only a shadow of the whole person.

I am fairly sure at the moment I'm very shadow like. I think this is what has been bugging me for a while. Part of the solution I know from previous experience is to focus in on the single important thing, and allow all other things to fall as they will after that.  It seems to be effective. It is certainly a message I would like my children to remember -that their Mum instilled in them a sense of exercise for well-being, as well as living by that example.

I need to be considerably more active to be a poster child for health and exercise, but today I am satisfied that I at least had a go. I walked from the mechanics to playgroup, to the bus stop and back this afternoon (about 1.6 kms round trip) and then for another 20 minutes walk tonight. I took every opportunity this day offered to be more active.

On the subject of the authentic self that I feel I am not honouring, particularly in relation to my children, I found this article interesting.  It never occurred to me to make a list of the things I like about me, and at the moment, I think our family could benefit from one of those sticky wall projects where each person's name is given a describing word around it.  This isn't what the article is about, it is quite different, but for someone who is extrinsically motivated it always pays to keep an eye on the kind things that others who love me are saying about me!

Right now my mind is a bit of a puddle, I had so many more coherent thoughts but the fingers will not keep up, and the mind is interrupted with housework.

no excuses!

For the past few weeks, I've encountered a bit of a problem with my attitude, the excuses creeping in. During the winter I walked in the freezing cold, and I walked in the rain at night. I did not let the weather stop me from getting the exercise I need. Since the weather has warmed up, I have found myself quite often putting off going for a walk based on the warm weather - avoiding walking in the heat of the day. While this is a sensible decision if I can walk at another time, while I am so time constrained, it is sometimes going to be the middle of the day or not at all! Given that I'm still 10 kgs off my goal weight, and running low on time to achieve it, I can't afford to be fussy about the inclement weather in summer any more than I was in winter!

So today will be a busy day of exercise, I'm going for a walk shortly, to Tai Chi in the middle of the day and then to Tai Chi again tonight. I'm hoping that will kick start my week to include more Tai Chi tomorrow and a walk every day as well as Tai Chi when it is available.

Diet-wise I'm teetering between healthy and not so great. I restrained myself from eating bread yesterday, which is a huge win!

All of this change was inspired by reading this post on Project Eve this morning about how to regroup the inner self.

PS if you are wondering why the complete lack of photos lately, the secret is that I have a new phone and have not yet mastered the art of downloading the photos!

some days you can look at the bright side...

Yesterday was one of those days. Nothing could wash away the sunny skies for me. This is the facebook status update I posted:

I had an absolutely wonderful day today. My darling hubby rescued Dad by making sure he got his  injection that was written up for him despite the nurse attempting to not do it, then returned home with our elder daughter. In the meantime I got a ton of washing done. My boy had his best mate and Mum over for a swim and play and us adults spent a lazy Sunday morning eating fruit salad! This afternoon went so lazily that I don't remember any details! Tonight finished with moving smallest ones clothes into the new bedroom, erecting a halloween spider's web, my little boy reading me a book and getting almost all the words and 3 happy little kiddliwinks and 2 tired parents!

What I could have posted about was:

Waht a frustrating day with a slow start, I'm too embarrassed at the state of the house so we need to collect my daughter from the sleepover, we don't want her friend's Dad seeing our place. My boy's friend is late, what took them so long, the playdate will be ruined by the big sister arriving home, oh NO!, now my boy has broken a light fitting by not listening to me and playing on the stairs! What an unproductive afternoon, nothing done and moody eldest child to boot! Got nothing done tonight, tomorrow will be a write-off. 

This was a different, yet equally accurate version of yesterday as well. It was not the way I chose to record the day in my memory, nor on Facebook.  I'm glad about that. I'd rather remember the lazy morning's visit with friends than the broken light fitting.

Some days, like today however, have parts in them that are beyond my understanding to mentally change.  Even if I set aside the total waste of my time and frustrating incompetence of Dad's nursing home staff, there remains the 'husband and younger siblings miss the primary concert night' debacle.

As far as I'm concerned, the whole thing started and finished with the utterance at 3:30pm of the words "we've got plenty of time" about a performance that started at 5pm sharp, and is a 35 minute drive away.

I leave it with you to figure out the details for yourselves. I'm glad I got to see the performance, that my daughter had someone to watch her. I'm sad that her father missed out and that because of him, her little  brother particularly missed an opportunity to see live music.

its all about the food ...

According to the personal trainers I've encountered, that's the trick. Food. The exercise is great, but it is really all about the food.

So tonight I was restrained and did not eat chocolate cake. I feel better for having avoided it.   Which reminds me I need to make Tai Chi a Christmas cake.

But back to this food thing. Today I was particularly inspired, by one of Bruce Springsteen's fellow band members, Ed Manion, who shared a picture of his morning jog on Facebook.  We all need to constantly keep active, it reminded me.

So I did 2 sets of Tai Chi in the 30 degree heat!

And this afternoon on my walk, I discussed the food issue with my friend in exercise and Bruce.  We came to the conclusion that although it is primarily about food, there is nothing like sweating, straining and being physically demanding of your body to get a very clear understanding of how much that effort is wasted by snacking.   My sources informed me this morning that one cupcake requires 30 minutes walking to burn off.  So any time I eat a cupcake, that is that days walk wasted.

If I hadn't walked, for some reason, I'd be more likely to forget how much hard work I put into exercise when I'm doing it, and therefore more likely to eat the dodgy chocolately things.

Exercise also helps in other ways. It really does make me more cheerful. And there is nothing more energising and calorie burning than happiness. Happiness seems to lead to bouncing with energy.

I'm finding it hard to be grateful these days, or to be particularly happy, so here goes the 3 things I'm grateful for today -

1. that my daughter had the funky ex-rock n roll band member as her bus driver this afternoon. It made her happy which made me happy. 

2. That the power came back on tonight so that we could wash school uniforms :)

3. grateful that my Dad looked good this morning and was able to talk on the phone with me this afternoon.

and finally I'm grateful to be getting a somewhat early night - last night was a shocker with 2 children awake at different times of the night!

Learning curve - communication under pressure!

I've learnt so much from looking after my Dad about people. So so much. I just hope I am able to retain it all, because it takes superhuman patience and a whole shift of attitude / head zone to undertake the delicacy of communication I am managing with 3 different levels of care staff (4 if you count management); doctors, multiplied by the same in the hospital and then random extras like physio and nurse practitioners. By the time I'm done balancing and juggling all of that I'm buggered on a daily basis. Not to mention keeping a lid on wanting to blow my steam when there are not wet wipes or spare underwear in Dads bathroom FFS and I'm helping him by myself!

I'll revisit the details of this another time.

Purposeful Anger

 

 

I just had pause to realise again for the second time in as many weeks that there is a great potential for me to harness anger into something good. And then I remembered the lyrics "hold tight to your anger, and don't fall to your fear" and I realise that anger, when galvanising you into action is a valid purposeful thing. (action that is, not 'reaction'). I love Bruce. Here is the whole song. With a slight twist because its for Sandy relief. 

 

 

 

 

 

Spiralling up or down? It's my choice.

Sadly I attended a funeral today. As they do, this one got me thinking about life, and what it all means.

My revelation for the evening is this:

Life is like a marriage.  You are either actively contributing towards its success, or your apathy is actively working against it. 

I was told this about relationships a long time ago and have found it to be proven true time and time again. Applying the principle to 'living life' works in the same way. Apathy or not engaging is simply another way of going out of your way not to live life to the fullest.

My exercise and eating have come unstuck lately. I've gained weight :(  I was contemplating this while wondering how to get it all back on track and I realised that this principle applies.  I'm either working with all I have towards healthy living, or by doing 'nothing' I am in fact descending rapidly into unhealthy habits again.  For some people this may not be so prounounced but for me it is very clear that apathy equates to negativity. 

I keep having to remind myself to continue to blog, and to keep up all the range of good habits I began. I get forgetful and imagine that as long as I exercise and eat well that I'm doing 'good', when in fact I've proven to myself this year that blogging, gratitude and other habits are as important as the exercise and they contribute to my capacity to maintain the exercise and good eating habits under stressful circumstances.

Ergo, that we are constantly in motion and as creatures of habit our motion tends to keep going in the direction we are travelling - thus we are either spiralling up (working towards the good stuff) or spiralling down (away from the good stuff).

I choose to keep spiralling up. I choose to keep choosing this, over and over again.