An open letter to the medical team treating my father

Dear Doctors

I wish to explain to you my position on my father's treatment while in hospital (and out of hospital for that matter).

Last night, Dad held out his arm, covered in little white dots from blood tests, and made some noises that sounded like he was trying to get a sentence out. I asked him to repeat himself. I couldn't believe what I heard! "Did you just say to me "I've got bad veins"?" I asked him.  He grinned at me with a twinkle in his eye!  Dad was making a joke about his situation, less than 24 hours after waking up from an unconscious state that had lasted 8 days.

My father has dementia. I don't care what 'category' of severity that you wish to classify it as, because your classifications mean nothing to my father, or to us, his family. What means something to us is that he contributes to our life in a positive way, despite the obvious challenges he presents in extra responsibilities. 

Even now, Dad is contributing to the world. In the last week he is teaching me - to never ever give up; to defy those in authority or who think they know better than you what you know to be your own truth. He has taught me during the past two years that there is ALWAYS something to appreciate.  He has inspired his nephew in Melbourne through his tenacity and determination.

My children when faced with his potential death, remember him still as the Grandad who loves them unconditionally, without judgement, and who continued to play with them, even as recently as playing ball early this year.

It is important to remember that he has had many opportunities to leave us through sickness and he chooses not to do so, coming back from the brink through sheer willpower alone.

I have had time to reflect on your suggestion that my father ought to not be treated for any new infections.  I contest that you are mistaken in this assertion.  Australia is a first world country. One of the markers of the wealth of this nation is that we are able to provide health care for our sick, ailing and elderly.  All of them. There should be no judgmental decisions made based on Dad's disease or what your own morality insists about who is worthy. The morality that is relevant here is that of Dad, and of us, his family.  You may be a doctor, but you are not my family's moral compass, nor is that your role. The truth is, that in a poorer country, with limited health resources, a decision about who is most deserving would be relevant, however we are not in that situation. If there is a fiscal problem with supply of medicine on the Sunshine Coast in 2014 then it is politicians we need to pressure, not the family of an elderly man who is determined to live.

Perhaps Dad can provide an important lesson to your young student doctors about the dangers of making assumptions about someone else's quality of life. As an elderly friend pointed out to me last night, there are fit young people in the world with better physical and mental abilities than Dad whose quality of life would be considered poorly, yet those people are not judged when being considered for treatment.  Why should you make this judgement when we are supposed to be a wealthy country?

So it is with delight at the tenacity of a single human being with great lessons still to impart to his family, that I request that you don't just pay lip service to the concept of treatment for my Dad, but you give him the full benefit of medical assistance, including fully discussing with us his necessary nutritional requirements, not just glucose which is making a pretense at assistance, but fully and openly discuss the path to improving Dad's health.  Let's leave the 'will he or won't he survive?' discussion aside, and give him the opportunity to make that decision for himself, with the best possible care from your team to support him.

Sliding Backwards - weight gain and forgetting the 'no excuses' concept

I've gone from a record low weight to an incredibly high weight, coming almost full circle in the 11 months between Springsteen tours.

This led me to google 'backsliding' - which I never knew was mostly used in relation to Christianity and religion!  However some careful google tweaking and I discovered this wonderful insightful article about weight loss.

The Fat Lady Ain't Sung Yet in which Whitney points out the following truism:

"Baby steps.

Forever and ever and ever… baby steps."

I love the insight in this. When things are going well, it is easy to kid yourself that the journey to no-excuses better health will be a one-way trip to forever losing weight until the magical moment that it is 'perfect'. Reality is that there are always things to learn, and if you don't learn them, then the process might be a bit more topsy-turvy. In fact even if you're a fast learner, circumstances can squish in and sideline you with no warning.  So baby steps.

I know that for me, since the second Springsteen tour, I have been focussing on big life changes, the ones that I didn't tackle last year, because last year I was focussing solely on weight loss, exercise and fitness.  It is so much easier to increase exercise, and much harder to permanently change eating habits for an entire family (or even one person within the family). Last year's efforts were child's play. This year asks so much more of me in terms of organisation, willpower and action.  Going for a walk or exercising is as easy as walking out the front door.  Food on the other hand doesn't just appear in the fridge!

The other thing that happened is that I lost my 'network' of fitness friends, and therefore no-one noticed when I stopped exercising, or talking about the healthy food choices I was making. So I've re-established a connection to the four main exercising / food friends I have and we are keeping an eye on each other. I'm posting updates in my "Get Fit for Bruce" Facebook group.  Keeping that social aspect alive will help safeguard me from future weight gains.

And finally, my habits that create a healthy, organised me.  Blogging, gratitude and keep records through RunKeeper and MyFitnessPal.  Of these, only gratitude survived the great weight gain. If I had to keep only one I'm glad it was gratitude, however now is the time to reinstate my previous habits and keep connected with the world in a reflective way, so I remind myself to always be mindful.  No-one else is ever going to be as mindful of my body and my health as I am.

Such an important lesson in taking good care of ones-self.

Chocolate topping and hindsight

Wow, revisiting my most popular post to date... and discovering it was written at what was a very high point in terms of focus.  So much has changed since then, particularly in the 2 months since Bruce and the E Street Band left the country....

Here's the original post:

Thursday, July 11, 2013Negativity - cured by an Attitude of Gratitude!
Sometimes, despite the best intentions, life fills up with it. Negativity. Maybe that's just *my* life, I don't know. I'm only living mine, so I've got no way to know if its me in particular.
Right now for instance, despite being extremely grateful earlier, and looking on the bright side, I find myself not only frustrated, but angry.
Because I'm fed up with blogging and still managing to get lost and feel like I'm making no progress, I'm going to go over the gratitude exercise again.
Tonight I'm grateful for the nap I had earlier, it was pleasant. I'm grateful for my Brucebud, Maggie, who understands.  I'm grateful for the time to write birthday invitations, and that I can let go of the perfectionist in me and make do with what I have designed. I'm grateful to the phone repairer who fixed my broken phone. I'm grateful to Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band for the inspiration to move, to make no excuses and to get out there and be fit. I've lost 13 kgs and that will never come back, because I'll never make excuses for myself like that again.  I might even get within 5kgs of my goal weight for my birthday of 80kgs! 
I'm grateful for just now remembering to drink water, as it will help make tomorrow a better day. I'm grateful to music, that I'm just about to listen to, while I drink some water, and marvel at how easy it is to turn around a very bad mood and attitude into a relatively pleasant mood and very good attitude.
It seems it is impossible to be angry and grateful at the same time. It seems that when your heart and mind is filled with gratitude, those things and people who make you mad don't matter one zot. 
Which is fine by me!Posted by Kat Smith at 1:39 AM 

I am interested to see that even though at the time I felt thwarted, I can see with hindsight that the feeling was perhaps just the hunger for doing more, doing better that was lighting the fire keeping me going, always losing weight, always eating better, sticking to my goals. Or perhaps it was indeed when things started to unravel for me, as I remember feeling a sense of stagnation that started in July last year.

Despite backsliding with the weight loss considerably, the interesting thing is that now I am beginning to tackle some of my life's bigger problems and big decisions. We've left the too-expensive private school, I've moved Dad into a care home closer to where I live, huge life changes are going on.  Having gained 5 kg in this time is a big deal, but perhaps merely a side effect of my not yet having learnt to juggle significant upheaval in my new routine.  When I reflect on my past efforts at fitness, I do tend to achieve a measure of what should be (according to experts) life time habit and increased fitness....and then maintaining or improving further on that is where I come unstuck. I have done this many times in the past, in many different life situations....so for me the trick is going to be keeping that fire lit under my arse that says "get moving" through all kinds of different circumstances.  Certainly the neck injury in November wiped out my walking, however now I have recurrent pain from that without walking, so I might as well keep up the walking and at least get the exercise and endorphins from doing the beneficial things!

Or as Dory would say:

Swimming in my case involves blogging, being grateful, exercising and eating sensibly. Pretty much everything else at the moment is chocolate topping. I have perhaps spent too much time in chocolate topping. There was some gratifying parts to that experience (the chocolate topping of doing 'all the other things' like the Bruce tour, moving Dad, etc) however overall it has made me feel kind of fat and sticky!

What is keeping me healthy?

One of the main reasons I came on this month-long tour of Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band around my beautiful country was for the health benefits. I figured that $250 for a 3 hour session of happiness and dancing was a small price to pay, and that last year's benefits in reducing my arthritis would be easily repeated. At the very least I wanted to see if this was so.

I also remembered from previous times away from Tai Chi that I still need to do Tai Chi regularly to maintain a low blood pressure.  So my flights were booked around times I could get to Tai Chi while away. Which as it turns out wasn't enough, as I didn't account for the tiredness, children, heat and time zone differences.

Here are my scribbles about the health changes this trip:

A short update on the health benefits of Bruce and the E Street Band.  I’ve discovered that Bruce’s concerts do amazing things for arthritis.  The swelling of my knuckles has gone down by about 50% since the tour began a week or so ago in Perth.  And the pain I am feeling is from the blisters on my feet, not the tendonitis in my Achilles.  However the busy schedule means that I’ve missed many of my planned Tai Chi sessions, and I’ve noticed that my blood pressure has skyrocketed on this trip.  So the upshot is that Tai Chi still kicks the musical arse for blood pressure reduction, however the energy and excitement of concerts appears to have an incredible affect on my auto-immune disease! The theory that happiness causes healing that I came up with last year is one that will forever stick with me as it is now very obvious to me that a certain level of happiness sends out the right hormones and other chemicals to create a balance in my body that has apparently been sadly lacking, leading to disease.  It is crazy stuff that doctors either don’t know or won’t tell you.  But now I do know and it is up to me to somehow continue this high energy level of happiness once the band leave!

This was during the trip, or just before it. The way my knuckles usually look.

Wow! I am surprised that the swelling in the photos looks the same or similar, as what I see when I am typing is about half as much swelling as usual. And no pain. My hand simply doesn't hurt, it has ceased to be painful and is feeling fine. The swollen part doesn't even hurt. Those happy endorphins must be special, that is my only explanation! I haven't seen my knuckles on that hand for ages, and to be able to see the knuckle bones again is wonderful, all without taking horrible chemotherapy drugs, which is what rheumatologists think I should be taking!

The gloomy return of the mid-life panic!

I finally dug myself out of the 'poor me' attitude this evening long enough to go for a 20 minute walk before blogging. On my walk I realised that the mid-life-impending-doom-fear-of-death-and-mortality crisis had snuck it's way back inside my brain.

I was walking in fear. In fear of a heart attack (yes I have risk factors), in fear of leaving my children behind, in fear of not having left them with a true legacy of 'me'.  I find it hard to even type those words, so strong is the gripping emotion.  This was the kind of emotional turmoil that had taken hold of me (at times) prior to the great Bruce Springsteen catharsis in March. Listening to Bruce evaporated my fears, galvanised my resolve and until the past few weeks, I have not looked back, particularly in terms of physical fitness and responsibility for my physical well-being.

I've struggled emotionally and with time since my Dad went back into the nursing home. The idea that he would pass at any moment was difficult to accept, as was the about-face of realising that the doom and gloom predictions were again a little overenthusiastic.  At the moment Dad is quite stable, if chronically unwell.

I think that the single most important factor to all the 'energy organising' that I do is to ensure that I have 1. nurtured my physical self so that I am a fully functioning capable human and 2. developed or maintained or discovered? a sense of 'me' so that I know whatever the future holds, that my children know 'me', they are not seeing only a shadow of the whole person.

I am fairly sure at the moment I'm very shadow like. I think this is what has been bugging me for a while. Part of the solution I know from previous experience is to focus in on the single important thing, and allow all other things to fall as they will after that.  It seems to be effective. It is certainly a message I would like my children to remember -that their Mum instilled in them a sense of exercise for well-being, as well as living by that example.

I need to be considerably more active to be a poster child for health and exercise, but today I am satisfied that I at least had a go. I walked from the mechanics to playgroup, to the bus stop and back this afternoon (about 1.6 kms round trip) and then for another 20 minutes walk tonight. I took every opportunity this day offered to be more active.

On the subject of the authentic self that I feel I am not honouring, particularly in relation to my children, I found this article interesting.  It never occurred to me to make a list of the things I like about me, and at the moment, I think our family could benefit from one of those sticky wall projects where each person's name is given a describing word around it.  This isn't what the article is about, it is quite different, but for someone who is extrinsically motivated it always pays to keep an eye on the kind things that others who love me are saying about me!

Right now my mind is a bit of a puddle, I had so many more coherent thoughts but the fingers will not keep up, and the mind is interrupted with housework.

no excuses!

For the past few weeks, I've encountered a bit of a problem with my attitude, the excuses creeping in. During the winter I walked in the freezing cold, and I walked in the rain at night. I did not let the weather stop me from getting the exercise I need. Since the weather has warmed up, I have found myself quite often putting off going for a walk based on the warm weather - avoiding walking in the heat of the day. While this is a sensible decision if I can walk at another time, while I am so time constrained, it is sometimes going to be the middle of the day or not at all! Given that I'm still 10 kgs off my goal weight, and running low on time to achieve it, I can't afford to be fussy about the inclement weather in summer any more than I was in winter!

So today will be a busy day of exercise, I'm going for a walk shortly, to Tai Chi in the middle of the day and then to Tai Chi again tonight. I'm hoping that will kick start my week to include more Tai Chi tomorrow and a walk every day as well as Tai Chi when it is available.

Diet-wise I'm teetering between healthy and not so great. I restrained myself from eating bread yesterday, which is a huge win!

All of this change was inspired by reading this post on Project Eve this morning about how to regroup the inner self.

PS if you are wondering why the complete lack of photos lately, the secret is that I have a new phone and have not yet mastered the art of downloading the photos!

Lurgy!

I've been struck down with .... a headcold!

Aside from general fatigue it's not so bad. What it has done is sapped some of my energy, but that is what improvisation and friends are for. I've used the latter to bolster my focus and remind me of the tasks that can't be compromised or put off - like talking with doctors.

As for improvisation, I am realising that what counts is every time you say "yes" I can do something about this that matters. Every yes is the door to another yes and more goodwill and good feelings.

So my yes for today was to do stretching exercises and squats while pushing my girl on the swing. I feel better, so does she and I have bought myself the goodwill to quickly type these thoughts out before lunch :)

Excuses and self

This little thought was inspired by a discussion around some rather glorious photos of Bruce Springsteen in bright orange swimmers. I know you all needed that detail :) 

there is a point at which you say "I need no excuses" and from then on your health becomes your responsibility alone. At that point there is no guilt because guilt goes hand in hand with excuses. Missed this week's walks? Well then CHANGE and try something new next week, starting today. That is how I've lived my life since seeing Bruce in concert. He inspires me to realise that the energy, the motivation and the capability are inside ME.

Cleaning party to Springsteen!

There were fabulous parts to my day.   Getting to see the excellent quality live-streamed Rock in Rio concert was one of them.  Doing that while sorting out a massive pile of papers at least got me through the cleaning up in one piece.

Here's what I'm up to - its the Cleaning Grand Plan from Organized Home. I am loving trying something new and sticking with a new method of getting things done - breaking out of my previous habit of insanely repeating the same things over and over and hoping for a miraculous change.  

Today I moved along all the clean laundry from the laundry room into bedrooms and the linen closet, freeing up room to move shelving from in the laundry to it's proper destination - the kitchen.  However the spot for the shelving in the kitchen was a little cluttered with what I like to call "boxes of rubbish" but apparently are made up of equal parts bills and children's artworks with a selection of random craft, mementos and photographs!

This is the pile of papers for my father that I need to copy! Oh how I long for a lackey to do THAT for me!

 I did take some lovely photos of elder child's artwork. I like how insanely bright this is! She doesn't want to throw it all away, but my next project is to label it as photographed and if it drifts out of her bedroom then in the bin it goes. I also hope to print out a collage to frame on the wall, but thats a project for another day.

What I learnt today was that it is a very bad thing to let bills get out of control and pile up, because in this household, that means they eventually end up in a random box with other non-bill things and that's never going to end well.  I also learnt that getting control of paperwork is going to always be an ongoing thing for me, its not at all my strong suit. In fact papers would easily be where I lose the war with 'stuff' - I am reconsidering the sanity of having all bills arrive by email. For me personally that would require a separate 'bills' email account so they didn't get lost in my general and junk mail.  That's certainly something to get onto, as then the 'paper' could pile up inside my computer where only I see it!

This afternoon's exercise was a walk up the hill from the children's playground to my Dad's nursing home, about 20 minutes with views like this along the way.

Sunset over the river. Glorious time for walking in a beautiful place.

 I have a thing for clover on the side of the road. Especially around the bottom of very old telegraph poles :)

Tomorrow is a work day, also a day for sorting out quite a bit for my Dad. Hubby should be working on the shelving while I'm gone, so kitchen progress will be made. Tuesday all going well I will move on to the next cleaning adventure on the Grand Plan.

I finished a 5km race!

There's something I can cross off my bucket list! I've just finished the 5km race in the Sunshine Coast Marathon!  I'm coming back to edit this, just realising that what I am totally neglecting to mention here is that 12 months ago there is no way I could walk 5km at all, due to the arthritic pain from psoriatic arthritis.  I have Bruce Springsteen's inspiration and my own determination to thank for this remarkable recovery. 

I still have arthritis, but like any auto-immune disease, it is affected quite incredibly, not only by stress (in a bad way) but also by happiness and joy.  The lighter, more joyful and happy I feel, the less impact the disease has on my life. I am still prone to injury, particularly muscle and tendon strain, and swelling, however my pain levels are significantly reduced since I started exercising, and especially since I started enjoying life to the fullest, courtesy of Bruce Springsteen's musical inspiration.  I hope that in the months leading up to his arrival in February, and in the months after he leaves Australia again, that I get my fill of Springsteen-motivation and am able to carry on with even more mobility and less pain for at least a year!  After his concerts this past March, the extreme happiness bubble wore off within 3 months. Its sort of back now, and I intend to keep building on the happiness so that my Bruce happiness bubble keeps me going for a considerable time!

My goals today were to 1. finish and 2. finish in under one hour.  I managed both, quite easily!  My time was 50 minutes and 14 seconds!  Which I believe is 6km / hour, if my maths brain is still working!

I can safely say that I think I'm hooked. Its fun to be in a great big group of people running and walking. Setting a pace of 6 km / hour over 5 kms is quite remarkable for me, and it was all about having people in front of me that I could focus on catching up to and keeping up with.

 

As usual thing didn't go as much to plan as I would like. My poor phone decided to have a conniption so Runkeeper didn't work and I had no idea of my pace until 3km into the race, when the helpful water station people knew we were at the 3km mark.  Then it was a bit of a race to finish under 1 hour.

I enjoyed my almost hour of Bruce. The playlist for my walk was

All or Nothing at All
All that Heaven Will Allow
Atlantic City
The Rising
We Take Care of Our Own
Easy Money
Shackled and Drawn
Reason to Believe
Glory Days
Dancing in the Dark
Shackled and Drawn again :)

By this time next year I hope to be up to some variation on the 5km I just did. Perhaps some jogging along with the walking. It really depends as jogging does have an impact on my spine, and I need to protect that part of me!

Either way, I'm sure next year I can do a better place, and get closer to the top half of the field.

I'll absolutely be doing this one again because the location and weather couldn't be more perfect!

 

Tomorrow I might be a little sore. At the moment I have a few blisters, hopefully they will heal up before work tomorrow!

Hi Ho! Off to work I went.

Today's update isn't very newsy. Monday is my workday and its a long commute. I had terrific plans of a long walk, but really I don't like to spend any more time than I have to at work. 

Dad is unwell, so with hubby sitting by his bedside there was no evening walk for me either. Tomorrow I will have to do a long walk with baby girl in tow (somehow) as well as my Tai Chi class.

Tonight's goal is to finish the washing up and leave the kitchen benches, table and floor tidy and clean. Sounds simple but its not an every day thing around here, my kitchen genie ran away a long time ago. I still have trouble sleeping if  I get too enthusiastic about the housework in the evening!  

Speaking of goals though I need to finish more water, only 1 litre so far today. Another litre to go. 

Bruce is coming baaack! *happy dance*

My inner spirit is in a happy happy place, despite considerable turbulence in my life. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are coming back to Australia in February! 

Excitement! Anticipation! Planning! 

Exercise!

Yes, exercise!  One of my quiet, secret dreams that I did not even commit to paper (hence making it a dream not a goal) since seeing Bruce and the band last March, was to be in the front row of the pit, with a sign that said "Hey Bruce, you inspired me to lose 20kgs!" 

Now that he's returning in 6 months, and that I've written it down for all the world to see, its a goal, not a dream.  I'd be happy to waste my 'sign request' on letting him know what a difference he's made in my life.

And its not too hard as goals go, as I've already lost 10kgs, so its really only 10 more to go! 9 if you are an optimist as most days I'm now 89 kgs.

But hey, 79 kgs is even better than 80 as a goal. I like it more, because it starts with 7 not 8!

My first steps are to ignore the sugar cravings I'm having, they seem to be a force of nature at the moment, but to counter them with at least my 2 litres of water a day and to do 30 minutes exercise every single day for the next month.  In the past few weeks I was increasing my Tai Chi, but at the expense of my walking, so I hovered at the same weight all month.

I'm also wanting to write a little blog entry every day.  For me right now, the number one way that I can organise my energy is to again focus on exercise and health, while the excitement is with me. Yes I also want to continue to finalise all the mountains of renovations (and clean washing) but at the moment I want to revisit the basics of exercise exercise exercise :)

Having said that, I have a short update on the general energy front. I was diagnosed with Iron Deficiency Anemia - and the other day when I didn't take my Iron supplement on time, oh boy. Flat me. But I dragged myself out of that and just got about my day 'pretending' to be managing, and pretty soon not only had I cleaned and swept the back verandah but I had Miss 2 out there painting pictures! 

Tonight we had campfire toast, marshmallows and garlic bread for dinner! Happy Mummy and happy children.

The boy and I also caught a TV interview with Bruce Springsteen and he has again asked to go to a concert! I am one proud and excited Mummy!

Iron deficiency - spectacular ways to avoid blogging.

Well that explains a lot. Including why I don't seem to find time for blogging at the moment.  I just found out 'officially' that I have Iron Deficiency Anemia.  Which is a rather spectacular way of saying I'm not getting enough dietary Iron and its causing havoc with my whole system.  It does not mean that I am a bad wife / mother / housekeeper for not doing enough ironing, although I do have a 'no iron' motto in my house, it was not meant to refer to the dietary kind!

Way back in early April I visited my doctor. "I think I'm low in Iron." I told him.  At this point, what I'm learning now in hindsight, I should have stuck to my guns and listened to my body. It would have saved me months of feeling less than wonderful.  Instead I listened to a lovely, calm rational explanation from a man quoting a text book about why I should not be low in Iron.  Including reassuring me that my recent blood test results that showed a healthy haemoglobin level.

One of the things that can happen when you exercise (and breastfeed) is that your Iron stores get depleted. Or you don't absorb it as well. Something happens, I've read it on the net :)   Increasing exercise can equate to decreased Iron. Which is fine if you treat it straight away.

If you don't, the symptoms you can suffer with (and I did) include:

• fatigue
• mental fatigue (vague, memory loss)
• dizziness
• poor concentration
• hair loss
• irritability
• headache
• irregular heart rhythms

from the following websites - 
http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/iron-deficiency-anemia-topic-overview
http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/ida/signs.html
http://bodyandhealth.canada.com/condition_info_details.asp?disease_id=274 

So although it is still possible, given my family history, that I'm menopausal, all of the symptoms above may also be related only to my Iron deficiency.   Which was only picked up after a second doctor sent me for an "Iron Studies" blood test (also known as Anemia Studies).  This brilliant site explains the difference nicely, stating that Serum Iron has little clinical value. What looks on the surface to be reasonable levels of Iron, when investigated fully, showed me as being anemic due to low Iron. So today I started a pharmacy only supplement of super-powered Iron tablets. I'm hoping these make a big difference to how I feel day to day. 

I'm impatient now for the extra steak and the supplements to kick in and give me a pick-me-up, but tonight's bloggy message is to believe in yourself, listen to your body and intuition and don't give up when faced with a setback in what you believe. I could have spent my winter (or part of it) in glorious European summertime, watching Bruce Springsteen perform if I had acted on my instinct and started taking Iron supplements in April instead of waiting for doctors to finally order a fully investigative set of tests and for those results to prove to them what I knew four months ago!

I've got my fingers crossed that restoring a healthy Iron level brings me back to normal energy levels, and moods.

Health & Happiness Challenge Day 1

I have started two new blog posts tonight, as well as a spreadsheet to help me keep track of my challenges for the week.

Today was an extra work day for me while the children saw cousins with their Nana and Pop. So it didn't leave a LOT of time for exercise (I did a quick 10 minute walk before being picked up from work), or for reaching out to friends (so I emailed photos of the children to the family).

My Bruce time was mostly during the walk, although I did have my mindful Bruce attitude all day, holding my head up higher, and being happy in myself.

I'm grateful for another 2 hour drive home without tears and wailing from the little children. I'm grateful my cat survived a second day without his midday medication.

My diet could have been better as I had iced coffeee (yum!); but I also have had 1/3 of my water and I've eaten plenty of Kale today.

I phoned my father, it was lovely to speak with him after a busy day yesterday, and to hear that the private physiotherapist I have in to see him weekly was a highlight of his day as she took him for a longer walk than the staff usually do.

My excel spreadsheet looks a little like this:

 

Was flat, now a new week of challenges!

I'm a bit frightened. I have psoriasis coming back. New outbreaks on my legs, and my arm scar tissue is doing the opposite of fading.

There are so many things that I can attribute it to, but my gut says it all boils down to that extra special spark of happiness post-Springsteen and the E-Street Band concerts. 

I know I've eaten badly, for enough weeks that it is affecting me, so perhaps it is that. I know my exercise has dropped off with the cold wet weather, illnesses and extra child at home.

I know that my stress levels have skyrocketed with various unavoidable dramatic personalities, including my son's exhausted end-of-term teacher-inspired nervousness at everything. 

What I don't know is how to make it better. I have written so many words in my searching for various motivations and direction, yet still manage to come to this place where things go horribly wrong despite my best intentions.

I feel like I need a plan, or a mantra and a plan. Goals. I find it difficult to cope with when my goals aren't met on time. I was pretty heartbroken when I didn't reach my goal weight at the end of April. Since then I've tried to be more flexible, but then, without a solid goal, it is easy to slowly seep into excuse making by default. That place where you don't actually make excuses, but you excuse yourself from having to be responsible. 

I did this for a whole week recently over my son's school troubles. In some ways the week of 'not dealing with it' gave me some breathing space, but on the other hand, what kind of emotional state was I already in that I needed to re-create an emotional buffer that took a week in the making?

Part of the problem might have been that I've let the blog get out of control, so instead of having a daily reflection on how I'm doing, its barely a weekly review.

I'm sure I did  this list only a few weeks ago - exercise, blog, Bruce, gratefulness, Tai Chi, friendship.  I think its time for another 'challenge' where I focus on these elements as well as the special school holiday additions of children-time and cleanout-time. Challenge week time it is. First challenge will be getting to the blog daily!

I also left out diet! After naming it as the second most likely cause of disease disaster, I need  to remember at least the basics of no bread, 3 bottles of water and some Kale every day.

Exercise and tai chi are self-explanatory - daily!

Bruce - get some of that him daily too!

Gratefulness - a daily record of what I'm grateful for, at LEAST.

Friendship - connect with my exercise mates, or phone a friend

Children and cleanup time is part of my school holiday plan to begin with.

Wow, that is a very structured, full kind of challenge.  Perhaps it is about time.  I do wonder where in there I'm going to fit other things, like the evil budget word, or following up to fix my Dad's hearing aids.  So so many things. 

First a little bit of Tai Chi and a little bit of gratitude followed by the necessary fixing clothes for work tomorrow.

I hope you've made it this far through this very inwards and reflective journal for today!

If so, how wonderful is this? This is Evan's man-hug, from his sign request for the same.  It might seem crazily out of context, but its here because Evan's story makes me smile, and reminds me of how amazing it feels to be so close to someone who has such incredible energy and zest and shares that on such a magnificent scale.

Today I'm grateful that Evan shared his moment with so many Brucebuds.  I'm especially grateful to get home at night with two happy children (as compared to the screaming to get out of the car variety). I'm also grateful that my cat did ok by himself for the day. 

What are you grateful for today?

EDIT: note to self for this week - turn out the light!

Negativity and Affirmations

I've had a lesson today. A lesson in balance. While feeling utterly overwhelmed with the weight of negativity around me, I discussed this on my facebook wall with friends.  And after a bit of too-ing and fro-ing in the ensuing discussion, I posted this:

Tai Chi is perfect! It has soo many proven health benefits and I have to make a real effort now to actually do myself harm with it. Also I don't like to sit still, so I find holding yoga poses totally alien to my nature. On the other hand, Tai Chi is 'walking meditation' and its perfect :) Some days just area bit bodgier than others, I've had a few weeks of that with one thing and another and this has turned out to be a reaffirmation (I'm fast learning that reaffirming important things needs to be done over and over and over ad infinitum) of all the good things I know I need to keep up to stay healthy. Will my third finger remain arthritic? Geez I hope not but even if it does, I know if I keep up all the walking, tai chi, gratefulness etc then it won't really matter as it will get better when all that is going on. Really I'm just sooking about Bruce in Europe. HUGE first world problem.

What I've learnt is that I really must keep reaffirming my faith in myself. Reaffirming the importance of all the thing that are integral to my happiness and healthiness isn't something I need to do now and again. I need it daily, or as many times as its necessary to keep me as disease free as I was in April this year.

 

 

So even negativity serves a positive purpose, because when it creeps (or rushes) in, then its time to reaffirm the exercise, the Tai Chi, the gratefulness and the determination to live life and enjoy!  Its interesting how even the less exhilarating ride to the bottom of the ferris wheel can be filled with anticipation of the next exciting ascent to the top!  I missed out on the ferris wheel ride at this year's Agricultural Show, but I think I've been on my own personal wheel with great highs and deep dips!  Right now, according to my theory, I'm on my way back around the wheel, on an upsweep :)

Regaining Happiness - Blogging

This is instalment #3 about the adventure to reclaim the happy calm state from the month of April.

One of the factors contributing to my sense of well-being in the past months has certainly been the act of blogging. I'm fascinated by what makes me tick, by the dynamic that exists that causes me to struggle with expending my energy in sensible ways, and productively.  Blogging helps me to see not only what is happening, but what I'd like to be happening, and finally, I find it incredibly helpful as a tool of reflection, to be able to document the highs and lows, the way I was thinking at a particular time, the repetitive behaviour, a simple reminder of how I'd like to be!

In the past month, my blog posts have decreased from 'most days' to 'most weeks'. I went back to work and so did my husband, leaving so much less time for these quick 15 minute blog updates during the day. The novelty had probably worn off after a honeymoon period, and in addition, I didn't feel like I was doing 'new things' worth blogging about (which wasn't true but it's an interesting reflection on the negativity creeping back into my life!)

Once again, I am shocked and amazed by my tiny bit of internet research. Research indicates that journalling (which is essentially what blogging is) "decreases the symptoms of asthma and rheumatoid arthritis"

Whoa! So without realising it, my blogging has been a contributing factor to the reduction of my arthritic pain. Combined with the gratitude, Bruce and exercise, I've been following a near-perfect disease prevention formula!  How incredible and amazing is that?

So in terms of increasing happiness, and maintaining it, apparently blogging or journalling are right up there with simple ways to get the happiness level higher!

Here are some of the links I have found fascinating to read

Journalling to reduce trauma

Benefits of Journalling

Health Benefits of Journalling

Alongside the health benefits and happiness boosting effect journalling acts as a tool for redirection of my thoughts and therefore my future actions. For example, as soon as I began the blog for the first part of this series of 'reclaiming happiness' I realised that I wanted to contribute smaller daily blogs to help me get back into the swing of blogging.

It looks like blogging and Bruce, exercise and gratitude are going to continue to be part of my daily life, for the sake of my health and sanity.

Regaining Happiness - Exercise

Earlier this week I blogged about needing to regain that happiness from last month. As it turns out exercise is a big deal when it comes  to being happy. And, I discovered last night, so is Tai Chi specifically, so I'll talk a little about both here today.

Exercise
It is amazing how I can be a cursing ranting mess, leave the house for a half hour walk, and return with an incredible sense of calm and peace.  I came to the conclusion that my family vastly prefer the version of me with that sense of peace and calm exuding from within to the alternative grouchy snappy duck!  So the self-fulfilling nature of getting enough exercise means that not only will I feel good, but so will those around me, so then I'll be less irritated by the universe and everyone in the family will be basking in the rays of happiness as they were post-Springsteen. Thats the theory :)

Apparently the practice is much like the theory.  This article says that on any given day, happiness is increased as long as exercise has taken place. Thats the gist of what it says, I'm sure! Quite remarkable. So simple its stupifying.

I have incorporated taking my boy for a walk a few times a week as well. I don't get the distances on those days but he keeps up a sharp pace and the conversation and time talking with him are an incredible payoff.  Plus it gives him the idea that walking with family is a fantastic way to exercise!!!!

This isn't really about the weight loss, but overall my exercise does have that primary purpose, so its worth mentioning that I've reached my target weight of 90kgs and now its time to maintain it at the very least, although I do want to get down another 5kg goal at a time as soon as sickness stops lurking with my husband who can't do without me for a 45 minute walk when he has man-flu!

Tai Chi
I began Tai Chi classes in early 2012, with the Taoist Tai Chi Society.  My Tai Chi lesson of this week is that Tai Chi singlehandedly contributes to my lower blood pressure, my sense of calm, my posture (I literally leave classes taller!) and my attitude.   

I'm not alone.  Tai Chi has been shown to improve circulation, lower high blood pressure, improve balance and posture, and reduce stress.  It also reduces joint pain, increases flexibility and lowers Cholesterol! 

I'm now re-committed to going to Tai Chi at least twice a week to continue to maintain that sense of calm and relaxation, as well as the terrific physical benefits.

Regaining Happiness, starting good habits over again - Gratitude

It has been a challenge fitting in the new routine again since the great week of illness and gastro. Most of the family have come down with a bad cold that is lingering this week also. Money is not where we were expecting it to be and we've been looking with alarm at our budget for next year.  This past week I would have to say I've reverted almost wholly to the way I was before Bruce Springsteen. Which, by comparison to the interim period, isn't a great place, and certainly not where I want to be.

A chat this week with my concert going friend revealed that she was also losing the effect of the excitement, she's been sick too, so who knows whether it's a post-concert high wearing off or it's just about how unwell we're feeling. Regardless, between us we came up with the solution.

Get back to the basics. What made me so happy in the first place?  What was I doing when I was happy? How was I thinking about things, and what things was I thinking about?

The strategy I've used for the past couple of days has four elements. Bruce, Blogging, Gratitude and Exercise.  Between those three things at the forefront, other factors such as being solutions focused, improving my eating habits and sleeping seem to be falling into place as a natural consequence.

Gratitude and Exercise are known to improve life expectancy and quality.  I'd love to see links you come up with about this research, but in the meantime, here is my perspective.

Gratitude

"Being grateful is also associated with improved immune system function, fewer aches and pains, and lower blood pressure"

Wise words to listen to for someone with an autoimmune disease, arthritis and high blood pressure!!!!

Although it seems like such an insignificant thing, being grateful appears to have an uplifting and soothing affect. Simply finding one thing to be glad about this morning seemed to be the salve that calmed my entire day.  The more gratitude, the more excitingly happy I was.  I remember when I was at the dizzy peak of my happiness post-Springsteen and I found joy in every part of the day. I was positively buzzing with gratefulness. Being thankful seems to be the first step  to being very happy indeed.

Plus I think it turns around a bad attitude!  I found this link about how to develop an attitude of gratitude.

I know that today I've been calmer and less bad-tempered since being sent a text first thing this morning with my friend's list of gratefulness, and replying to her with mine. I only had one thing to begin with, I sent her this "I'm grateful that hubby has taken the time to get the boy off to school today"

The rest of my day was calm. 

Pulling together and Being Prepared!

One of the most significant concepts for me since I began blogging is that of being prepared.  It was the subject of one of my very early posts as I reflected on my mother in law's incredible pre-preparation for just about anything.

Particularly now, as I am feeling more positive, happy, upbeat and capable than I have in years, I find myself reflecting on this concept of preparation.

Recently (during that quiet time when no blog posts appeared) my husband travelled away for work.  He was driving to a major regional town, about five hours away.   When he'd been gone 4 hours already, and I was mid-breakfast, mid-getting children to school, the whole trip hit a terrible snag in the form of my coming down with a very severe case of gastro. I couldn't move, and he was 4 hours away.  I am so grateful for his boss, who immediately drove him home again to look after the children, as I was so incapable.  I spent the next several days feeling quite off, but the worst passed that first day, and along with the sickness came some pretty significant realisations for me.

The first one was that there was no way that hubby could travel for work again, at least not until our youngest is a little more independent. We simply don't have a 'backup' network to call on, other than each other. This didn't take much contemplation, after the horrible hours waiting for him to arrive home, I'm not doing that again with such small children.

The other realisations however came hot on each others heels and do require a bit more contemplation and change.  After a very upset week, I realised that not only have I established a solid family routine since returning to working, but that this routine was hanging on by a thread. We simply aren't that used to it, haven't settled into it, or gotten comfortable enough with it that it tolerates much battering. The week I was at home sick threw the entire concept of 'calm', 'organised', and 'routine' out the proverbial window, it seemed at the time as though never to be seen again!  (luckily I'm more resilient than that and this week is going OK)

Hand in hand with how precariously our little family is balancing its 'routine' is the entire concept of being prepared! After all, if we are more 'prepared' then by extension our balancing act is more stable, and less likely to topple at the slightest adjustment required.

Which leads me to my focus for the moment. I am still determined to lose weight, keep exercising with the same intensity as in the last month or so, and still quite keen to keep my positive attitude, however I feel a little like the tough work of beginning those changes has been accomplished and I need to consider how being prepared will accentuate the positive attitude and exercise transformations. 

Firstly, simply being more prepared in the meals department will provide me with an even better daily diet to get the best nourishment without any excess sugary carbohydrates!

Being a step ahead of where I am now would mean having an idea of tomorrow's food, and it being in the fridge (its been a lean food prep week this week!); not running out of cat food; having photos uploaded every week; having activities ready for the children when they get home (OK that one is only if I turn into super-Mum!). It would also mean being on top of the mountains of paperwork for myself and my Dad. I feel like I'm drowning under papers at the moment, but will leave that conundrum for another day! I like the sound of being a step ahead, however for now, the tiniest fraction of being prepared that I see now is a bit less dramatic, but might give me a few hints about how to operate in a prepared way.  I've already noticed that the better my communication, the more we are able to negotiate through things as they crop up. Put another way, two grumpy snappy adults don't make great decisions!

Since the returning to all hands on deck working, we've established some routines that sort of work. Hubby does early mornings (when my arthritis still makes me a slow turtle) and drops big children at school before work; I take our little one to her various morning activities; we come home and she naps while I get housework done; the almost 2 hour pickup of big children happens at the end of nap-time; we have a very early tea when we get home; then homework after Daddy gets home and a bit of chaotic energy, then bedtime. This is what is working for us.  

Two times I am focusing on improving is the activities I get done while little miss takes her nap, and what I get done after hubby is home at night.

At the moment, I am happy that at nap time daily I seem to be managing to completely clean the floor off in the entry and kitchen as well as downstairs toys.  This is a bit of an extension of what I've achieved in the past, and this week I'm trying to work out how to extend past that point into uncharted cleaning territory.  I'm still not sure, but some experimenting is on the horizon to find the balance that will fit in my 2 hour time frame. 

In the evenings I am juggling between walking (its not practical at 9pm any longer due to the cold!); school homework; and cleaning!  I am using the early evening time to get into extra projects or washing up, whichever is needing doing more.  This is how I managed to get the floor scrubbed on Monday night, determination!

I need to refresh and revisit the concepts of this post about Working Smart. That's the essence of what is going on here, an attempt to make the obvious easier!

There is something else I'm realising as I go over all this while listening to Bruce Springsteen's Darkness on the Edge of Town album.  It's that I need to find a way to really ENJOY getting more prepared!  I remember when I was in Girl Guides, that my Guide Leader instilled in me, for the shortest moment, a flame of inspiration of REALLY wanting to 'Be Prepared" and obtain my Baden-Powell emblem, the highest achievement for a Girl Guide.  Years later, I feel I'm finally getting the point of all those badges and things. A sense of purpose about how I am going about this domestic life, to relish and delight in what is necessary.

I think I'd much rather relish and delight in more Bruce Springsteen concerts, but in order to do that I need my house to be respectable and presentable for house-sitters, so it's delighting in house cleaning for me in the interim.

Hang in there Bruce, I'm coming to a concert soon!