As usual, I have only a limited amount of time to write this blog. Today I have been particularly mindful of the many myriad of ways that through his illness and final years, my father had an incredible influence on my life.
I have been really struggling since his death and needed to write this list in order to begin a journey of regrouping my strengths. At the moment I'm suffering a loss that belies the frail old man who was dependent on others. These are seven of the reasons why my loss is so great, just some of the ways he improved my life:
1. Gratitude - witnessing Dad living in a nursing home, reliant on the courtesy (or lack of it) from other people, relying on their gentleness (or lack thereof), and dependent on them wholly due to his dementia in ways that we can only be horrified at was exhausting emotionally. In order to cope with the sadness of bearing witness to the circumstances it was absolutely necessary to become grateful. Grateful every day that I could help him, give him dignity or something to look forward to; grateful for every day that a 'good' carer was on that he was receiving better treatment that day; grateful that the 'bad' staff were only on for a shift and then would be gone again. Gratitude improves longevity, so learning the lesson of daily gratitude through Dad was incredible.
2. Acceptance - As Dad declined in health both mentally and physically, he never ever lost his will to live or his enjoyment of what life he had left in him. As each new indignity of ageing took over his daily life, he accepted it with grace (mostly) and continued to turn instead towards that which made him happy. He lived for his grandchildren's visits, for my visits, to see the sunshine and flowers, and to kiss the hand of his caring staff. He lived for sausages, and other enjoyed foods, and for the smile of a warm person. He taught me that life is about flowers and family and if you can't have either, just find something and enjoy whatever you can. Bless him for that incredible lifelong lesson I hope to pass along to my children.
3. Strength of mind - nothing creates a need for strength of mind like having to find a way to overcome the gulf between wishing to provide total assistance and dignified care to your loved one, and the reality of there being very little you can actually control. Dad's situation taught me to create my own boundaries around my expectations and actions. He taught me that if I could only help him once a week, that was better than not helping. Acceptance is a key part of having the strength of mind to decisively think positive instead of despairing, I had to learn to accept that what I did had to be enough simply by telling myself that it was.
4. Boundaries - When someone is in a nursing home or hospital, they are in 'their' world, swallowed up within the systems and rules created by those large institutions. Learning to navigate the systems first step was to follow the unwritten rules and boundaries. I now know how to look for these in so many areas of life.
5. Communication - Dad's illness taught me so much about humanity. How to get onto his level and communicate with him, as well as how to negotiate and advocate for him. I had plenty of help from some of the kind people in the system, but without Dad I would never have persevered with learning so much about communication, how to find one key point and focus on that, how to not bombard people with everything you want to say, so many things.
6. Patience - waiting for a doctor for 3 hours is a very effective way to build up a head of steam, however it doesn't help anything. Likewise if a nurse isn't coming to a buzzer call fast enough. It helps to simply apply patience to them and get on with something else while you wait. In the case of more than one buzzer call I simply got on with fixing the problem as best I could myself, knowing they'd turn up eventually.
7. Determination - of the quiet kind. Dad simply didn't give up on walking, regardless of who gave up on him. If people unthinkingly were stupid enough to place him in a position from where walking proved impossible, he would simply get around by any other means he could muster, most of which were so ingenious that carers simply didn't believe his determination or intention. Many people under estimated my father, sadly to his detriment, however the determination he showed, right up until the end of his days will stay with me forever.
Thank you Dad for all you did for me, perhaps without knowing it. I believe though that you did know, and I hope you know how grateful I am for your amazing gifts. Without a father like you, determined and unwavering in your last years I would be poorer for the lack of experience. Love you Dad.
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Monday, November 17, 2014
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Learning curve - communication under pressure!
I've learnt so much from looking after my Dad about people. So so much. I just hope I am able to retain it all, because it takes superhuman patience and a whole shift of attitude / head zone to undertake the delicacy of communication I am managing with 3 different levels of care staff (4 if you count management); doctors, multiplied by the same in the hospital and then random extras like physio and nurse practitioners. By the time I'm done balancing and juggling all of that I'm buggered on a daily basis. Not to mention keeping a lid on wanting to blow my steam when there are not wet wipes or spare underwear in Dads bathroom FFS and I'm helping him by myself!
I'll revisit the details of this another time.
I'll revisit the details of this another time.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Unfinished Business
As I pulled up in my driveway tonight, the strange uneven bent of the Grevillea tree caught my eye. It is leaning dangerously close to the power line to the house, a remnant branch from a poorly finished job of tree lopping done over 12 months ago.
Which of course leads me straight into the flyaway thoughts of 'why me?' "why do I have these bodgy tradies come here who don't finish work?" "Why do I always end up 'making do' with someone else's incompetence, that I have paid for?"
The very first answer is that I rely on my husband. I do not take sole responsibility, and yes, though he perhaps ought to be able to manage this kind of thing, the fact is, if he can't or won't, that's the point at which *I* end up dealing with the consequences.
Now I know this. And therefore why do I continue to leave things in his hands, when I really should have learnt by now? Habit? Perhaps so. But no doubt there is something in me or him that motivates me to accept pathetically low standards.
Is his fear of confrontation so strong that he resorts to dishonestly tricking me into trusting him to deal with it? Possibly it is, however again, by now, you'd think I'd learn.
In fact as I write, I begin to wonder if there isn't some way for me to improve my future record by somehow going back into the past and doing something to right the wrongs. These are not small things, for the most part, and off the top of my head, I can list the following areas where I've been done over by folk I've paid for 'helping' me.
It occurs to me tonight that to write a simple letter to these businesses outlining the problem and the lack of response to our complaint (we have always pointed out the problem at the time, but only once and never followed through), and that we would welcome whatever form of amends they wish to make would be warmly welcomed.
In the future how to prevent this? I am not sure. I know that when it comes to my father's health and care, I have learnt a very great deal about negotiation, and about getting what you want from people, with persistence and careful advocacy. I know it is tiring, and that it is much easier with the motivation of advocating to keep someone alive and with dignity than it is to negotiate for a job site to be tidied up, when it is about things not health, I find it more difficult to advocate, both for my Dad and for myself. It is certainly easier for me to advocate for him, as a third person, than I manage to advocate for my own self-interest. Self-advocacy is certainly the topic I believe I need to strengthen.
Which of course leads me straight into the flyaway thoughts of 'why me?' "why do I have these bodgy tradies come here who don't finish work?" "Why do I always end up 'making do' with someone else's incompetence, that I have paid for?"
The very first answer is that I rely on my husband. I do not take sole responsibility, and yes, though he perhaps ought to be able to manage this kind of thing, the fact is, if he can't or won't, that's the point at which *I* end up dealing with the consequences.
Now I know this. And therefore why do I continue to leave things in his hands, when I really should have learnt by now? Habit? Perhaps so. But no doubt there is something in me or him that motivates me to accept pathetically low standards.
Is his fear of confrontation so strong that he resorts to dishonestly tricking me into trusting him to deal with it? Possibly it is, however again, by now, you'd think I'd learn.
In fact as I write, I begin to wonder if there isn't some way for me to improve my future record by somehow going back into the past and doing something to right the wrongs. These are not small things, for the most part, and off the top of my head, I can list the following areas where I've been done over by folk I've paid for 'helping' me.
- Many years ago we got cleaners in to help us for 2 hours. They swept dirt out the front door and onto the ornamental rocks immediately outside the door, making the garden dirty.
- Last year when doing pest control, the pest control agency dug up flowers in the same garden and did not replace them.
- we once had our car 'detailed' with instructions about not using perfumes. The car still stinks today and this happened over 2 years ago.
- We had about 7 trees lopped for safety at a cost of over $1000. The trees at the front of the property were left lop-sided and not tidy
- Recently we had a laundry converted to a bathroom. The builder left the room in a mess, did not reinstall curtains, grab rails in the toilet for my elderly father or a number of other things.
- A long list of dodgy plumbing capers; including leaving ceramic sewage pipe fragments in the backyard, messy pipework, poor joining of old and new work.
- We had our entire roof replaced at a cost of $25,000. You'd expect this to go well but no. We did not have a contract, and work that was told to us would be completed never was, including the raising of a section of floor & walls to the same height as the remainder of the house, and the levelling of the ceiling. They also installed insulation over existing insulation, rendering all insulation useless as there is no roof cavity for air circulation.
It occurs to me tonight that to write a simple letter to these businesses outlining the problem and the lack of response to our complaint (we have always pointed out the problem at the time, but only once and never followed through), and that we would welcome whatever form of amends they wish to make would be warmly welcomed.
In the future how to prevent this? I am not sure. I know that when it comes to my father's health and care, I have learnt a very great deal about negotiation, and about getting what you want from people, with persistence and careful advocacy. I know it is tiring, and that it is much easier with the motivation of advocating to keep someone alive and with dignity than it is to negotiate for a job site to be tidied up, when it is about things not health, I find it more difficult to advocate, both for my Dad and for myself. It is certainly easier for me to advocate for him, as a third person, than I manage to advocate for my own self-interest. Self-advocacy is certainly the topic I believe I need to strengthen.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Juggling all the balls
I've had my eldest child back for nearly a week now, and survived the transition after bringing her home Monday night and having a blood pressure spike on the same night.
What have I learnt during this past week of chaos, mayhem, stress, fun and frustration? Not a lot I'm afraid. I've learnt that I feel like a hamster in a wheel, spinning round and round and achieving only a bad headache and temper to match.
In contrast I've also enjoyed the small things. Because as so many times we are reminded by little inspirational memes, they ARE the big things.
I've hugged my boy so tight, I've giggled with my baby. I've heard my elder girl explain to me her economic theories of life. I've enjoyed a visit with Dad where we held a normal conversation about his living arrangements, and how we would both prefer he be somewhere else.
I've felt blessed by all my family this week, as well as infuriated!
And I have no answers. Not one. All my blogging, and theorising and mantras continue to boil down to the fact that I have to make a huge effort for happiness, that it doesn't just 'come' and that order in my life similarly doesn't come easily.
Interestingly I did see this YouTube clip about how as we get older, we see time as speeding up; and that if we increase our new, novel experiences, we improve our memory making, and our sense of time going more slowly, with more meaning.
This inspired me to stop complaining and to start moving. At the moment that means working a little more towards some travelling, and also to look at seeing more live music, getting ready for 2 birthday parties and doing something meaningful with this last week of school holidays.
Seems like a lot doesn't it? It IS a lot. No wonder I'm tired just thinking about that, plus all the other details! Maybe that's what I need to work on next / most of all - how to make everything SEEM simpler! Get the 'clutter' out of my mind!
What have I learnt during this past week of chaos, mayhem, stress, fun and frustration? Not a lot I'm afraid. I've learnt that I feel like a hamster in a wheel, spinning round and round and achieving only a bad headache and temper to match.
In contrast I've also enjoyed the small things. Because as so many times we are reminded by little inspirational memes, they ARE the big things.
I've hugged my boy so tight, I've giggled with my baby. I've heard my elder girl explain to me her economic theories of life. I've enjoyed a visit with Dad where we held a normal conversation about his living arrangements, and how we would both prefer he be somewhere else.
I've felt blessed by all my family this week, as well as infuriated!
And I have no answers. Not one. All my blogging, and theorising and mantras continue to boil down to the fact that I have to make a huge effort for happiness, that it doesn't just 'come' and that order in my life similarly doesn't come easily.
This inspired me to stop complaining and to start moving. At the moment that means working a little more towards some travelling, and also to look at seeing more live music, getting ready for 2 birthday parties and doing something meaningful with this last week of school holidays.
Seems like a lot doesn't it? It IS a lot. No wonder I'm tired just thinking about that, plus all the other details! Maybe that's what I need to work on next / most of all - how to make everything SEEM simpler! Get the 'clutter' out of my mind!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Regaining Happiness, starting good habits over again - Gratitude
It has been a challenge fitting in the new routine again since the great week of illness and gastro. Most of the family have come down with a bad cold that is lingering this week also. Money is not where we were expecting it to be and we've been looking with alarm at our budget for next year. This past week I would have to say I've reverted almost wholly to the way I was before Bruce Springsteen. Which, by comparison to the interim period, isn't a great place, and certainly not where I want to be.
A chat this week with my concert going friend revealed that she was also losing the effect of the excitement, she's been sick too, so who knows whether it's a post-concert high wearing off or it's just about how unwell we're feeling. Regardless, between us we came up with the solution.
Get back to the basics. What made me so happy in the first place? What was I doing when I was happy? How was I thinking about things, and what things was I thinking about?
The strategy I've used for the past couple of days has four elements. Bruce, Blogging, Gratitude and Exercise. Between those three things at the forefront, other factors such as being solutions focused, improving my eating habits and sleeping seem to be falling into place as a natural consequence.
Gratitude and Exercise are known to improve life expectancy and quality. I'd love to see links you come up with about this research, but in the meantime, here is my perspective.
Gratitude
"Being grateful is also associated with improved immune system function, fewer aches and pains, and lower blood pressure"
Wise words to listen to for someone with an autoimmune disease, arthritis and high blood pressure!!!!
Although it seems like such an insignificant thing, being grateful appears to have an uplifting and soothing affect. Simply finding one thing to be glad about this morning seemed to be the salve that calmed my entire day. The more gratitude, the more excitingly happy I was. I remember when I was at the dizzy peak of my happiness post-Springsteen and I found joy in every part of the day. I was positively buzzing with gratefulness. Being thankful seems to be the first step to being very happy indeed.
Plus I think it turns around a bad attitude! I found this link about how to develop an attitude of gratitude.
I know that today I've been calmer and less bad-tempered since being sent a text first thing this morning with my friend's list of gratefulness, and replying to her with mine. I only had one thing to begin with, I sent her this "I'm grateful that hubby has taken the time to get the boy off to school today"
The rest of my day was calm.
A chat this week with my concert going friend revealed that she was also losing the effect of the excitement, she's been sick too, so who knows whether it's a post-concert high wearing off or it's just about how unwell we're feeling. Regardless, between us we came up with the solution.
Get back to the basics. What made me so happy in the first place? What was I doing when I was happy? How was I thinking about things, and what things was I thinking about?
The strategy I've used for the past couple of days has four elements. Bruce, Blogging, Gratitude and Exercise. Between those three things at the forefront, other factors such as being solutions focused, improving my eating habits and sleeping seem to be falling into place as a natural consequence.
Gratitude and Exercise are known to improve life expectancy and quality. I'd love to see links you come up with about this research, but in the meantime, here is my perspective.
Gratitude
"Being grateful is also associated with improved immune system function, fewer aches and pains, and lower blood pressure"
Wise words to listen to for someone with an autoimmune disease, arthritis and high blood pressure!!!!
Although it seems like such an insignificant thing, being grateful appears to have an uplifting and soothing affect. Simply finding one thing to be glad about this morning seemed to be the salve that calmed my entire day. The more gratitude, the more excitingly happy I was. I remember when I was at the dizzy peak of my happiness post-Springsteen and I found joy in every part of the day. I was positively buzzing with gratefulness. Being thankful seems to be the first step to being very happy indeed.
Plus I think it turns around a bad attitude! I found this link about how to develop an attitude of gratitude.
I know that today I've been calmer and less bad-tempered since being sent a text first thing this morning with my friend's list of gratefulness, and replying to her with mine. I only had one thing to begin with, I sent her this "I'm grateful that hubby has taken the time to get the boy off to school today"
The rest of my day was calm.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Pulling together and Being Prepared!
One of the most significant concepts for me since I began blogging is that of being prepared. It was the subject of one of my very early posts as I reflected on my mother in law's incredible pre-preparation for just about anything.
Particularly now, as I am feeling more positive, happy, upbeat and capable than I have in years, I find myself reflecting on this concept of preparation.
Recently (during that quiet time when no blog posts appeared) my husband travelled away for work. He was driving to a major regional town, about five hours away. When he'd been gone 4 hours already, and I was mid-breakfast, mid-getting children to school, the whole trip hit a terrible snag in the form of my coming down with a very severe case of gastro. I couldn't move, and he was 4 hours away. I am so grateful for his boss, who immediately drove him home again to look after the children, as I was so incapable. I spent the next several days feeling quite off, but the worst passed that first day, and along with the sickness came some pretty significant realisations for me.
The first one was that there was no way that hubby could travel for work again, at least not until our youngest is a little more independent. We simply don't have a 'backup' network to call on, other than each other. This didn't take much contemplation, after the horrible hours waiting for him to arrive home, I'm not doing that again with such small children.
The other realisations however came hot on each others heels and do require a bit more contemplation and change. After a very upset week, I realised that not only have I established a solid family routine since returning to working, but that this routine was hanging on by a thread. We simply aren't that used to it, haven't settled into it, or gotten comfortable enough with it that it tolerates much battering. The week I was at home sick threw the entire concept of 'calm', 'organised', and 'routine' out the proverbial window, it seemed at the time as though never to be seen again! (luckily I'm more resilient than that and this week is going OK)
Hand in hand with how precariously our little family is balancing its 'routine' is the entire concept of being prepared! After all, if we are more 'prepared' then by extension our balancing act is more stable, and less likely to topple at the slightest adjustment required.
Which leads me to my focus for the moment. I am still determined to lose weight, keep exercising with the same intensity as in the last month or so, and still quite keen to keep my positive attitude, however I feel a little like the tough work of beginning those changes has been accomplished and I need to consider how being prepared will accentuate the positive attitude and exercise transformations.
Firstly, simply being more prepared in the meals department will provide me with an even better daily diet to get the best nourishment without any excess sugary carbohydrates!
Being a step ahead of where I am now would mean having an idea of tomorrow's food, and it being in the fridge (its been a lean food prep week this week!); not running out of cat food; having photos uploaded every week; having activities ready for the children when they get home (OK that one is only if I turn into super-Mum!). It would also mean being on top of the mountains of paperwork for myself and my Dad. I feel like I'm drowning under papers at the moment, but will leave that conundrum for another day! I like the sound of being a step ahead, however for now, the tiniest fraction of being prepared that I see now is a bit less dramatic, but might give me a few hints about how to operate in a prepared way. I've already noticed that the better my communication, the more we are able to negotiate through things as they crop up. Put another way, two grumpy snappy adults don't make great decisions!
Since the returning to all hands on deck working, we've established some routines that sort of work. Hubby does early mornings (when my arthritis still makes me a slow turtle) and drops big children at school before work; I take our little one to her various morning activities; we come home and she naps while I get housework done; the almost 2 hour pickup of big children happens at the end of nap-time; we have a very early tea when we get home; then homework after Daddy gets home and a bit of chaotic energy, then bedtime. This is what is working for us.
Two times I am focusing on improving is the activities I get done while little miss takes her nap, and what I get done after hubby is home at night.
At the moment, I am happy that at nap time daily I seem to be managing to completely clean the floor off in the entry and kitchen as well as downstairs toys. This is a bit of an extension of what I've achieved in the past, and this week I'm trying to work out how to extend past that point into uncharted cleaning territory. I'm still not sure, but some experimenting is on the horizon to find the balance that will fit in my 2 hour time frame.
In the evenings I am juggling between walking (its not practical at 9pm any longer due to the cold!); school homework; and cleaning! I am using the early evening time to get into extra projects or washing up, whichever is needing doing more. This is how I managed to get the floor scrubbed on Monday night, determination!
I need to refresh and revisit the concepts of this post about Working Smart. That's the essence of what is going on here, an attempt to make the obvious easier!
There is something else I'm realising as I go over all this while listening to Bruce Springsteen's Darkness on the Edge of Town album. It's that I need to find a way to really ENJOY getting more prepared! I remember when I was in Girl Guides, that my Guide Leader instilled in me, for the shortest moment, a flame of inspiration of REALLY wanting to 'Be Prepared" and obtain my Baden-Powell emblem, the highest achievement for a Girl Guide. Years later, I feel I'm finally getting the point of all those badges and things. A sense of purpose about how I am going about this domestic life, to relish and delight in what is necessary.
I think I'd much rather relish and delight in more Bruce Springsteen concerts, but in order to do that I need my house to be respectable and presentable for house-sitters, so it's delighting in house cleaning for me in the interim.
Hang in there Bruce, I'm coming to a concert soon!
Particularly now, as I am feeling more positive, happy, upbeat and capable than I have in years, I find myself reflecting on this concept of preparation.
Recently (during that quiet time when no blog posts appeared) my husband travelled away for work. He was driving to a major regional town, about five hours away. When he'd been gone 4 hours already, and I was mid-breakfast, mid-getting children to school, the whole trip hit a terrible snag in the form of my coming down with a very severe case of gastro. I couldn't move, and he was 4 hours away. I am so grateful for his boss, who immediately drove him home again to look after the children, as I was so incapable. I spent the next several days feeling quite off, but the worst passed that first day, and along with the sickness came some pretty significant realisations for me.
The first one was that there was no way that hubby could travel for work again, at least not until our youngest is a little more independent. We simply don't have a 'backup' network to call on, other than each other. This didn't take much contemplation, after the horrible hours waiting for him to arrive home, I'm not doing that again with such small children.
The other realisations however came hot on each others heels and do require a bit more contemplation and change. After a very upset week, I realised that not only have I established a solid family routine since returning to working, but that this routine was hanging on by a thread. We simply aren't that used to it, haven't settled into it, or gotten comfortable enough with it that it tolerates much battering. The week I was at home sick threw the entire concept of 'calm', 'organised', and 'routine' out the proverbial window, it seemed at the time as though never to be seen again! (luckily I'm more resilient than that and this week is going OK)
Hand in hand with how precariously our little family is balancing its 'routine' is the entire concept of being prepared! After all, if we are more 'prepared' then by extension our balancing act is more stable, and less likely to topple at the slightest adjustment required.
Which leads me to my focus for the moment. I am still determined to lose weight, keep exercising with the same intensity as in the last month or so, and still quite keen to keep my positive attitude, however I feel a little like the tough work of beginning those changes has been accomplished and I need to consider how being prepared will accentuate the positive attitude and exercise transformations.
Firstly, simply being more prepared in the meals department will provide me with an even better daily diet to get the best nourishment without any excess sugary carbohydrates!
Being a step ahead of where I am now would mean having an idea of tomorrow's food, and it being in the fridge (its been a lean food prep week this week!); not running out of cat food; having photos uploaded every week; having activities ready for the children when they get home (OK that one is only if I turn into super-Mum!). It would also mean being on top of the mountains of paperwork for myself and my Dad. I feel like I'm drowning under papers at the moment, but will leave that conundrum for another day! I like the sound of being a step ahead, however for now, the tiniest fraction of being prepared that I see now is a bit less dramatic, but might give me a few hints about how to operate in a prepared way. I've already noticed that the better my communication, the more we are able to negotiate through things as they crop up. Put another way, two grumpy snappy adults don't make great decisions!
Since the returning to all hands on deck working, we've established some routines that sort of work. Hubby does early mornings (when my arthritis still makes me a slow turtle) and drops big children at school before work; I take our little one to her various morning activities; we come home and she naps while I get housework done; the almost 2 hour pickup of big children happens at the end of nap-time; we have a very early tea when we get home; then homework after Daddy gets home and a bit of chaotic energy, then bedtime. This is what is working for us.
Two times I am focusing on improving is the activities I get done while little miss takes her nap, and what I get done after hubby is home at night.
At the moment, I am happy that at nap time daily I seem to be managing to completely clean the floor off in the entry and kitchen as well as downstairs toys. This is a bit of an extension of what I've achieved in the past, and this week I'm trying to work out how to extend past that point into uncharted cleaning territory. I'm still not sure, but some experimenting is on the horizon to find the balance that will fit in my 2 hour time frame.
In the evenings I am juggling between walking (its not practical at 9pm any longer due to the cold!); school homework; and cleaning! I am using the early evening time to get into extra projects or washing up, whichever is needing doing more. This is how I managed to get the floor scrubbed on Monday night, determination!
I need to refresh and revisit the concepts of this post about Working Smart. That's the essence of what is going on here, an attempt to make the obvious easier!
There is something else I'm realising as I go over all this while listening to Bruce Springsteen's Darkness on the Edge of Town album. It's that I need to find a way to really ENJOY getting more prepared! I remember when I was in Girl Guides, that my Guide Leader instilled in me, for the shortest moment, a flame of inspiration of REALLY wanting to 'Be Prepared" and obtain my Baden-Powell emblem, the highest achievement for a Girl Guide. Years later, I feel I'm finally getting the point of all those badges and things. A sense of purpose about how I am going about this domestic life, to relish and delight in what is necessary.
I think I'd much rather relish and delight in more Bruce Springsteen concerts, but in order to do that I need my house to be respectable and presentable for house-sitters, so it's delighting in house cleaning for me in the interim.
Hang in there Bruce, I'm coming to a concert soon!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The Jedi art of Under-reacting
I realised the other day that one of the biggest contributors to my stress level was my own reaction to potentially stressful events and news. Confronted with any hint of bad news I tend to immediately and unknowingly spend quite a few moments dramatising the problem. By dramatising I mean focussing on it, extrapolating the first information out into the future implications as though all possible negative outcomes were absolutely going to come to pass. After that I have even developed the habit of laying blame for the problem, wasting time identifying how and why the problem even occurred.
For example when my husband recently came home from a job interview with the news that he was starting work next week; my immediate reaction was dismay that his first day of work was going to be the very day after my own first day back in 2 years. I wasted valuable time and energy worrying about how I'd cope looking after our young toddler after a long day at work, and then doing it again all week, as well as doing all the school drop offs and pick ups. What I said to my husband wasn't 'oh great you managed to get my workday off'; but 'why did you arrange to start the day after me?' I turned his good news into a negative, and triggered off panic-hormones that have serious consequences for my autoimmune disease.
It might seem simple to you reading that this wasn't the perfect or even a moderately reasonable way to react to his good news, but it is a terrific example of being stuck in the rut of negativity!
How did I change this? I wanted to be all Jedi like, and not flapping around in a panic. You know, like Yoda, with all that little Jedi dude Hmm Hmm'ing? I especially like this quote too:
Well, I realised that the way to Jedi under-reacting enlightenment was to IMMEDIATELY look to the solutions and waste not a moment on the problem. Or, turn away from the fears and focus on the hope. I've been trying this for a few days and seeing a remarkable difference!!
When it came to the potential exhaustion of working all week between us, as soon as I began to think positively about the solutions I realised that this week is not a full working week, as in Australia we have a public holiday on April 25th, for ANZAC day, which means that despite potential tiredness on Tuesday and Wednesday, I will get a 'holiday' on Thursday, an extra day of not worrying about school runs, lunches and early mornings. I was so happy to apologise for my negativity and to let my husband know that it was all going to turn out fine this week,with an extra day off for our first week! The change in how I physically felt when thinking positive was obvious, I was smiling, I felt taller and less hunched, I believed in myself more, I didn't have chest pains from tensing up, and I've had so much more energy since taking this 'solution focus' on board.
One positive thought led to another, and I've made plans to have my friend look after the small person so that I can still do my Tai Chi class on Tuesday; again giving me a bit of a break and a chance to catch up for a cuppa as well!
So my newest lesson is that of focussing on the solution, not the problem. It is amazing how this simple change of focus can make such a huge difference emotionally and physically. I also hope to be re-teaching my children a new way to look at problems, to worry less and enjoy the moment, including all the little hurdles that cross our paths.
Perhaps, if I'm lucky, the new attitude and way of working will rub off on my husband, who tonight gave a brilliant demonstration of 'problem focus' - I was very happy to be able to stay calm and centred and quietly point out the communication misunderstanding when he was ready to think about solutions :)
For example when my husband recently came home from a job interview with the news that he was starting work next week; my immediate reaction was dismay that his first day of work was going to be the very day after my own first day back in 2 years. I wasted valuable time and energy worrying about how I'd cope looking after our young toddler after a long day at work, and then doing it again all week, as well as doing all the school drop offs and pick ups. What I said to my husband wasn't 'oh great you managed to get my workday off'; but 'why did you arrange to start the day after me?' I turned his good news into a negative, and triggered off panic-hormones that have serious consequences for my autoimmune disease.
It might seem simple to you reading that this wasn't the perfect or even a moderately reasonable way to react to his good news, but it is a terrific example of being stuck in the rut of negativity!
How did I change this? I wanted to be all Jedi like, and not flapping around in a panic. You know, like Yoda, with all that little Jedi dude Hmm Hmm'ing? I especially like this quote too:
Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger,
anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.
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When it came to the potential exhaustion of working all week between us, as soon as I began to think positively about the solutions I realised that this week is not a full working week, as in Australia we have a public holiday on April 25th, for ANZAC day, which means that despite potential tiredness on Tuesday and Wednesday, I will get a 'holiday' on Thursday, an extra day of not worrying about school runs, lunches and early mornings. I was so happy to apologise for my negativity and to let my husband know that it was all going to turn out fine this week,with an extra day off for our first week! The change in how I physically felt when thinking positive was obvious, I was smiling, I felt taller and less hunched, I believed in myself more, I didn't have chest pains from tensing up, and I've had so much more energy since taking this 'solution focus' on board.
One positive thought led to another, and I've made plans to have my friend look after the small person so that I can still do my Tai Chi class on Tuesday; again giving me a bit of a break and a chance to catch up for a cuppa as well!
So my newest lesson is that of focussing on the solution, not the problem. It is amazing how this simple change of focus can make such a huge difference emotionally and physically. I also hope to be re-teaching my children a new way to look at problems, to worry less and enjoy the moment, including all the little hurdles that cross our paths.
Perhaps, if I'm lucky, the new attitude and way of working will rub off on my husband, who tonight gave a brilliant demonstration of 'problem focus' - I was very happy to be able to stay calm and centred and quietly point out the communication misunderstanding when he was ready to think about solutions :)
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Keeping up the positive Energy - Day 2
Today was again very taxing in terms of assisting and advocating for Dad in hospital. It was also the last day of the school holidays, and neither of my schoolchildren are fans of school. So an important day to get right for the family.
And fortunately it turned out well. A good night's sleep went a long way to keep me functioning today, as did the excellent meals my hubby provided. After that it was all about emotional energy, knowing when to push myself and knowing when I needed to just stop.
In terms of overall inspiration / working out a strategy to use in the future, I haven't had much time or opportunity to contemplate how to improve my emotional resilience, but today I did get it mostly right. I also found this extremely apt link in my facebook feed tonight, about how to assist someone through illness or crisis. The premise of which is to send only comfort in the direction of the people in the midst of the problem. I'm close to the middle of my Dad's health concerns, so its a warning message to me to avoid people who can't help but throw their issues in my face when it isn't an appropriate time. I think that concept goes into the 'think about it later' basket as its a very important concern and relevant to how I cope emotionally when under pressure.
If there was a big lesson I feel I learnt today, it would be to let the emotions out, the raw emotions, the tears. I was only able to do that with the help of some incredibly enthusiastic people on Facebook. I asked the Bruce Springsteen fans group page this question:
so I need some info.. whats your favourite uplifting Springsteensong for ultra stressed days?
The replies are still coming in, but the very first, lightning fast response was "Trapped" I'm sure Trapped is about a relationship, but the concept of being utterly trapped is relevant here. There is no way I'd leave Dad to face the haphazard care of random doctors without a voice to explain to them all the things that need explaining in ways that he can no longer articulate. Trapped brought tears to my eyes, and a melancholy relief that it was a temporary situation.
And then there were more replies, and I felt surrounded by the helpfulness and friendliness as well as some terrific music. Soon my hubby was playing the Jethro Tull song, "loccomotive breath" that he felt suited his mood. And my family were ready and out the door to visit the beach, with all of us feeling happy and light, despite the circumstances. Sometimes its about letting the feelings feel.
Hubby has really done his bit with juggling the caring for children, also advocating for Dad, and thinking ahead (normally not his strong suit!). He'd picked a beachside waterpark for our afternoon adventure and soon everyone was having a great time!
I had three walks along the beach and foreshore with family in tow. One evening walk where the big children had fun being 'ghosts' and saying "boo" from behind trees. We all relaxed and enjoyed our last day of holidays, even though the outing started late, it was thoroughly enjoyed and we did not miss out entirely on the beautiful sunshine today.
Sunset listening to the ocean was a welcome relaxation and we arrived home with sleeping children to find that Dad's condition has improved marginally. Which leaves us at least relaxed and ready to organise ourselves for the big school adventure to start again tomorrow.
And fortunately it turned out well. A good night's sleep went a long way to keep me functioning today, as did the excellent meals my hubby provided. After that it was all about emotional energy, knowing when to push myself and knowing when I needed to just stop.
In terms of overall inspiration / working out a strategy to use in the future, I haven't had much time or opportunity to contemplate how to improve my emotional resilience, but today I did get it mostly right. I also found this extremely apt link in my facebook feed tonight, about how to assist someone through illness or crisis. The premise of which is to send only comfort in the direction of the people in the midst of the problem. I'm close to the middle of my Dad's health concerns, so its a warning message to me to avoid people who can't help but throw their issues in my face when it isn't an appropriate time. I think that concept goes into the 'think about it later' basket as its a very important concern and relevant to how I cope emotionally when under pressure.
If there was a big lesson I feel I learnt today, it would be to let the emotions out, the raw emotions, the tears. I was only able to do that with the help of some incredibly enthusiastic people on Facebook. I asked the Bruce Springsteen fans group page this question:
so I need some info.. whats your favourite uplifting Springsteensong for ultra stressed days?
The replies are still coming in, but the very first, lightning fast response was "Trapped" I'm sure Trapped is about a relationship, but the concept of being utterly trapped is relevant here. There is no way I'd leave Dad to face the haphazard care of random doctors without a voice to explain to them all the things that need explaining in ways that he can no longer articulate. Trapped brought tears to my eyes, and a melancholy relief that it was a temporary situation.
And then there were more replies, and I felt surrounded by the helpfulness and friendliness as well as some terrific music. Soon my hubby was playing the Jethro Tull song, "loccomotive breath" that he felt suited his mood. And my family were ready and out the door to visit the beach, with all of us feeling happy and light, despite the circumstances. Sometimes its about letting the feelings feel.
Hubby has really done his bit with juggling the caring for children, also advocating for Dad, and thinking ahead (normally not his strong suit!). He'd picked a beachside waterpark for our afternoon adventure and soon everyone was having a great time!
I had three walks along the beach and foreshore with family in tow. One evening walk where the big children had fun being 'ghosts' and saying "boo" from behind trees. We all relaxed and enjoyed our last day of holidays, even though the outing started late, it was thoroughly enjoyed and we did not miss out entirely on the beautiful sunshine today.
Sunset listening to the ocean was a welcome relaxation and we arrived home with sleeping children to find that Dad's condition has improved marginally. Which leaves us at least relaxed and ready to organise ourselves for the big school adventure to start again tomorrow.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Notes to self about life, the universe and Bruce
Before it all fades totally I am writing up some notes before I start gathering my thoughts all over again to dig deeper into the strange week that has been.
What I have learnt:
* to practice and seek feedback
* to not make excuses
* that a massage after a day at work would be good (musing on how nice that must be after hearing about Bruce Springsteen's post-concert routine)
* to let go and grab hold of what I have
Hopefully there will be and some other insights to follow. Thus far, the 'Bruce Springsteen Holiday" has left our little family with the following:
* no more milk drinks in the car - everyone drinks more water!
* no more excuses for not exercising and for eating poorly, I'm getting this weight and tossing it
* less swearing
* both my husband and myself are more aware of our tendency to call "poor me" like victims
* for me, letting go of whats gone, and grabbing hold of what is <- font="" important="" more="" nbsp="">
* strangely higher blood pressure for me!
* a LOT of motivation now that we are home, particularly for me
I'm sure there is more, but thats it from me for now. A more thorough post, including the update from our entry clean-up from a week ago will follow. Its all on the way!
Oh and I have a new goal - I want to meet someone who inspires me. By this I mean I want to get the inspired feeling, then meet said person. I suppose a second goal that is more noteworthy is to find something in everyone that inspires me. Plenty of people inspire me and perhaps I don't appreciate it or reflect on it sufficiently because its not as 'in your face' as a 3 hour rock and soul concert.
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